Apples Don’t Do Jack!
Last night I dreamed that I had to miss an event because I was sick. This morning, I woke up late for work feeling like crap. I hope the word “crap” doesn’t offend people who read my blog… but I am who I am. And this morning I felt like crap. The weight around my abdomen felt heavier than normal. Wrong time of the month for fibroids. It always hurts more around the start and during my cycle. My headache was back and my sinuses were clogged. I could have gone in to work but by mid-day I would have felt worse than I did yesterday. Wisdom won out. I called in sick. They had to get a sub for the sub. Does that count as irony?
I decided to read chapters 3-4 in the book of John. I could have chosen to go back to sleep. As I read I felt led to do my usual google searches. People with Asperger’s all have their “thing.” That quirky tendency that sets them just a little bit out there. For some it’s math and numbers. I suck at math and numbers. I flunked math three times at Berkeley. One of my former students with AS had a thing for dinosaurs. I am a word person and an information junkie. I cannot read something or watch anything on my laptop without getting side tracked trying to check the facts or research something I didn’t know. It’s compulsive. I can’t help myself. So whether I wanted to or not, I now know a lot more about the history of the New Living Translation Bible. I also know that as of 2007 there were 712 Samaritans left in the world. And that I was supposed to stay home so I could register with HysterSister.com — a website for women experiencing hysterectomy.
I’ve been lurking on that site for a few days now trying to glean information without committing myself. I am not a joiner. I hate registering for things and I hate being asked to take surveys. The fact that the name for that site is so lame made me less likely to want to join. Worthy cause? Most definitely? But who thought up the name?? After reading in John I felt like I needed to register on the site because members have access to portions of the site that lurkers do not. What in John convinced me to register, I do not know… but when I did register this wave of grief slammed into me and I just started crying. It didn’t help that the first thing they ask new members to do is fill out a survey. As I cried, I prayed. Good thing Jesus looks past all the snot and the raccoon eyes.
They have a term on HS. From now on I will refer to the site as HS because that seems less ridiculous to me. On HS they have a term, “Grieving the loss of a womb.” That too sounds ridiculous until it happens to you. I don’t even want kids and I’m grieving. I realized that as the tears wouldn’t stop. The resulting coughing hasn’t helped my exertion headache. I researched those too. Evidently I’m not the only one who gets headaches when I sneeze or cough. Same place. Blinding headache. Sigh.
Feeling the way I did this morning, I decided to lay low as far as breakfast was concerned. Big meals don’t agree with my giant uterus. I end up feel really bad so I opted for an apple. Then the saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” crossed my mind and I thought how ridiculous that saying was. I could through a whole mountain of apples at my doctor and not make the fibroids or the GU (giant uterus) go away. At which point I started laughing because the visual was just too funny. I have to face this surgery and I need those doctors. I’m also going to need HS because most of my friends have never walked this path. The love me, but they don’t get it. I can’t expect them to get it. None of them have ever really understood the whole Bipolar thing or the Asperger’s thing. The hysterectomy thing is just one more thing for them not to understand. So praying helps and so does blogging. Getting my thoughts out of my head makes my head hurt just a little bit less. I feel better for having posted this even though it’s just a bunch of rambling thoughts. I wasn’t able to face my morning… but I’m ready to face my day.
It is good to talk to a close friend or even get the words out onto paper. If you just bottle them up sometimes you feel as though your head is going to explode. My mental health advisor Rachel used to call our sessions the “talking therapy”
I think you did the right think not going to work, sometimes we just need the day to ourselves. I hope you manage to get some comfort out of the HS site, if you are going through a bad phase there is nothing like holding the hand of someone who is travelling the same road.
I could try and empathise and say I know how you feel but to be honest I can only imagine how you feel. It is really hard to try and put yourself in anothers shoes when you have not experienced what they are going through. But I have to say I think you are handling it better than I would and although you may not always feel strong that is how you come across to me.
Sometimes all the advice in the world will not help but I always found comfort in something I read “All You Have To Do Is Breath And Let Time Pass” I don’t know why but it helped me. Of course screaming into a pillow works wonders too
I hope your day got better and remember to keep an eye open for that little pony of yours, I am sure he is not too far away.
Take care my friend and I send you all of my best wishes.
Angel
I have always hated when people tell me that they know how I feel since the majority of the people I know don’t have to take meds in order to function like the rest of the world. I’ve found online support for people who struggle with sexual addiction. So why should HS be so hard for me? I do not know. At some point I’m going to be glad that I found that site, but right now I’m just not there. Thank you for not even pretending to get what I’m going through. You’d think that would make me feel more alone, but it doesn’t. Empathy is its own type of solidarity.