Completely Random Post #978: Bipolar and Botulism

This post is coming from so far out in left field, you shouldn’t even try to find any spiritual connotations in it. Back in the day when Bipolar Girl used to blog every ten minutes, stuff like this would have been a given. Now it’s an exception, so please bear with me:

 

Ever the teacher, I can turn just about anything into a learning experience. So today  when I was teaching a lesson on drawing conclusions I used the totally true story about last night’s dinner. Having skipped lunch because I didn’t like what I’d packed, I was starving by the time I got home. I made my famous Chicken Marsala… or should I say infamous. I hadn’t gone shopping on the weekend so my ingredients were a bit on the “suspect” side. I gave the longer version of the story to my students…. and they  found it positively hysterical. Short version? I ended up throwing up. Unfortunately, I’d made enough for lunch today and froze some to eat post-op, but even that was part of my teachable moment.

 

I’m telling the story to my students and they are laughing their heads off. Then we make this really detailed chart on the board that looked like this:

 

Stated Facts + Implied Facts + Personal Experience/Knowledge = CONCLUSION

 

We filled in all the stated and implied facts… etc using bright colored Expo pens all the while laughing at my expense. As one of the Implied Facts, one cheeky student wrote, “Old ingredients = a Recipe for Diarrhea.” She couldn’t understand why I’d gotten off with just throwing up. As if “just throwing up” wasn’t enough. Go figure. Once they were done, I had them draw some conclusions. The conclusions that most of them drew were the following:

1. I should have eaten my lunch.
2. I should throw out the rest of the food.
3. The chicken (which had been defrosting in the fridge for about a week) was probably what made me sick.

They all thought that I was crazy when I said that I was going to actually try some of the leftovers to see if maybe I was wrong. Maybe I hadn’t given myself food poisoning and the Marsala was still edible. Remember… I haven’t gone grocery shopping. It’s slim pickins in my house right now. Just to make sure I hadn’t botulised myself I googled “botulism.” It’s safe to say that I am not a victim of botulism since that actually has to do with canned food gone wrong.

When I go to school tomorrow I’m going to ask my students to draw conclusions about what I ate for dinner tonight… I can bet that when they find out the answer, some of them are going to conclude that I’m crazy. Not crazy… just hungry. I guess the spiritual slant to this post could be: PRAISE GOD I don’t have food poisoning OR don’t forget to pray for your food especially if you’re using old ingredients.

10, 9, 8, 7…

One too many of my buttons got pushed today.
I came home and cried.
Correction: I got angry first.
So it’s safe to assume
that my tears
were not a sign of
sadness.

I’m not sad.
I’m angry.
I’m frustrated.
I’m annoyed.
But in In my anger
I did not sin.
I cried.
And then I blogged.
Why didn’t I stop and pray?

Once I cried
I remembered that
NONE
of my problems
equal the end of the world,
mine
or anybody
else’s.

In a month
none of this will matter
so WHY does it all seem
so all flamin’
important
NOW??

Oddly, enough,
this morning, I did pray.
(That’s not the odd part. )

I prayed and told God that
no matter how much stuff
presses in on me
I didn’t want him
to make it all just
go away.

I wanted him to walk me through it.

So this is what “walking through” feels looks like?
Honestly?
It sucks.

But no matter how badly it sucks…

I still stand by that prayer.

Thanksgiving in Bipolar World

One thing I learned last year when I had my hysterectomy was the power of being thankful. A simple “thank you” could make a huge difference in somebody else’s day and in my own personal attitude and outlook. I’d read on a website (hystersisters.com) that when going into the hospital to have your girlie parts removed one should take Thank You cards and a dish of candy. Sounded rather odd, but I decided to do it. I left the dish of candy on  my meal table that was adjacent to my bed with a note on it telling my nurses that the candy was for them –  They free to help themselves even if I was asleep. Who knew that such a small gesture would create a bond??

You hear horror stories about hospitals and nurses. My nurses were really nice to me. I’m sure they were really nice and efficient with everybody else too… but their kindness and gratitude over my little gift warmed me. I know it had to be God who reminded me to write the first thank you note. I can’t even remember the name of the first nurse I wrote it to, but I remember why I wrote it. My roommate the first night was an elderly dementia patient. She kept screaming, crying, and shouting obscenities at the nurses. I’d just had surgery and I was pretty doped up, but her screaming was grating on my nerves. Since I couldn’t move. I felt trapped and helpless. Then this wonderful nurse came to my rescue in the middle of the night. I didn’t think to pray for her beyond begging God to make her shut up.

Then all of a sudden in swoops Super Nurse. All I remember was a flurry of movement as she unhooked all my medical paraphanalia and quickly wheeled my bed to another room at the end of the hall. Peace and quiet. PRAISE GOD! Definitely cause for a thank you.  I wrote out the card with more gratitude than I’d felt in a long while and had another nurse give it to her. She came back to see me when it was her shift and she thanked me profusely. Why? It was definitely I who should have been giving the thanks. I ended up having a private room for the rest of my stay in the hospital. Time I spent praying and walking around in the room singing praise to God.

I wrote another thank you note to this shy young nurse with tender eyes and a gentle smile. I can’t even remember why I wrote the card now, but I  made it a point then to be sincere when I wrote the cards. It wasn’t just some vague sentiment to earn brownie points. I meant every word. Whatever it was that she’d done really touched me. That, however, couldn’t compare to how I felt when she came back on shift with my card in her hand and tears in her eyes. She asked if she could hug me. I was on another island for my surgery. I was all alone with no friends to visit and definitely nobody to hug me. I said, “Yes” and when she hugged me,  we both cried. I wish I’d brought a bigger box of thank you cards because there were so many people to thank for so many different things. Who knew that when I was at  my all time lowest point physically, God would give me so many reasons to thank him and other people so that I would be at my highest point emotionally and spiritually? There is much power in the words “Thank You.”

I’ve tried to continue in that tradition this year letting people know, with a card or a note, that I really appreciate their efforts whatever they might be.

So today… the official government sanctioned day to give thanks, I’d like to thank all the folks who have been reading my blog and especially send out a big thanks to those who have left me comments. Sometimes life in Bipolar World gets a bit lonely and it’s nice to know that people are reading and caring. If you are reading this post today may you have a very very Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you.

 

 

 

Streams in the Desert (A Devotional)

Sometimes the words of other people say more about how I’m feeling than my own… I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the prep that goes into surgery and sick leave for a month. If I were physically able to move faster I could get more stuff done without having to ask anybody for help, but God has a different plan. Before he wants me to ask people for help, he wants me to first come to him. I read this poem online just now on the Streams in the Desert website. It gave me comfort.  At your wit’s end? The way OUT is found by looking UP!

At Wit’s End

“At their wit’s end, they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out” (Ps. 107:27, 28).

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”

Christian, with troubled brow?

Are you thinking of what is before you,

And all you are bearing now?

Does all the world seem against you,

And you in the battle alone?

Remember–at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is just where God’s power is shown.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”

Blinded with wearying pain,

Feeling you cannot endure it,

You cannot bear the strain,

Bruised through the constant suffering,

Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?

Remember–at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?

Your work before you spread,

All lying begun, unfinished,

And pressing on heart and head,

Longing for strength to do it,

Stretching out trembling hands?

Remember–at. “Wit’s End Corner”

The Burden-bearer stands.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?

Then you’re just in the very spot

To learn the wondrous resources

Of Him who faileth not:

No doubt to a brighter pathway

Your footsteps will soon be moved,

But only at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is the “God who is able” proved.

–Antoinette Wilson

Do not get discouraged; it may be the last key in the bunch that opens the door. –Stansifer

Who of You…?

Worrying never helped a baby
being born
or comforted someone
on their death bed.

It never helped anyone get a job
or a date…
or an answer
to a really burning question.

It never stopped a war
or a train speeding out of control
or any number of natural disasters
large or small.

Worry never stopped a robbery in progress
or a plane from being late
or fixed a flat tire
or ended a religious debate.

It doesn’t keep the Earth spinning on its axis
or give the moon its light.
It never helped the whales migrate
or the blooming jasmine release its scent at night.

When last I looked
worry only accomplished
a whole lot of nothing.

So…

Who of you, by worrying…?
what and why have you, by worrying…?
Where and when have you, by worrying…?

…ever accomplished a single important thing in this life?

Matthew 6:27

Weak Too

From start to finish my day was unbelievable. Despite my whining and grumbling, God blessed my day anyway. If it hadn’t happened to me I wouldn’t have believed it. At every point where I had expected to face drama and opposition God seemed to make a point of sending the complete opposite my way. Subbing for the other teacher? Actually turned out to be better than being in my own class. I didn’t have to stand or teach anything and the instructor has organized everything so well in his class that I was basically just a warm body in the room for supervision’s sake. He even had a student TA who pretty much ran the whole class. I ended up being able to catch up on some of my computer work that I have to do. God? I am SO sorry for being such a punk.

When I got back to my own class I was expecting drama because my second class is my largest class and if I don’t stay on them they will slack off. So how does God respond to this concern??? He had half of my class pulled out to go take care of projects on campus. I only had about 6 students and even that didn’t last. Student were called out for various reasons. At one point I only had three students. I was even able to finish up all those time consuming papers from HR. I was able to make copies of everything and then send the whole packet off in the mail. God? Why do I waste precious mental energy grumbling? Sometimes I just have to dig in and get stuff done. Then, once it’s done, it loses it’s power to stress me out.

Another unexpected surprise: God completely changed the agenda for my third class, but by then I had stopped questioning his plan for my day. Expect the unexpected. I got a whole new lesson thrown at me by my supervisor that I had to deliver… but rather than the dry, snooze cruise that I’d been given, I used prior knowledge of the subject to really make it come alive for my students. They had run. I had fun. We laughed so hard my stomach hurt. And my last class? It can be a bit challenging… but God knew.

Today was awards day and my class was cut short to accommodate the ceremony. I love my job, but I will always enjoy our early days. Today I got to present two really deserving students awards. Just looking at all of the students who got awards today made me feel good. Our students are not the privileged overachiever types. Our kids did not do well in the regular school system. They come to us with a lot of baggage that sometimes explodes all over us… but once a month we acknowledge the ones who have done something to stand out. We are acknowledging the success of kids who may never have had any kind of recognition in their lives. Hearing them cheer each other on was infectious. Focusing on the good… what a novel way to end the day. God? Weren’t you telling me earlier in the week to focus on the good and lovely and all that other positive stuff?? I should really do that more often.

Of course, all the extra stairs that I had to take and all that laughing took their toll on me. I was sore and could barely walk by the end of the day. My inner crank was starting to come out towards the end of awards ceremony… but I was able to get in my car and drive home. I acknowledged the jet skis without getting mad and I came in and took some extra strength Tylenol. Today was totally a day where I saw God at work on my behalf. Midday I felt totally weak… but I had all all the power I needed to do the things he was calling me to do with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. That’s how I know God was really working through me today…How can I possibly take any credit for today when his fingerprints are so clearly all over it?

 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12

Weak One/Week Won

 

*WARNING: RANTING IN PROGRESS

This first week back to work after my surgery has not been bad. Physically taxing? Yes. Bad? No. I think I posted that the first day was a bit wearing on the nerves. Finding out that a coworker had died while I was gone was, and still is, hard to cope with. There has been a ton of paper work that I’ve needed to sift through from the substitute. She didn’t quite understand/follow my directions, so there is a ton of paper that she left that she didn’t need to. I have to sift through it to make sure some of it isn’t important but I haven’t had time. There’s also been a ton of papers to fill out for the HR department in preparation for my next surgery. I’ve had to sit in three long meetings at the end of long days when I would have preferred to be catching up on what I missed while I was out. And yesterday from the last four class periods to the end of the day, everything just seemed to be mashing my buttons. Since the doctor didn’t actually remove anything during my last surgery, I have all the original pains plus new ones from the surgery. The pain meds still aren’t helping very much, so I’ve ended my days exhausted and sore. I’ve also ended the past two days  angry and annoyed. Only to get home and see the jet skis parked in my yard and my anger would clock in at around 75. And to top it all off, today I have to sub for another absent teacher which chucks all my plans for my own class out the window. It also adds additional stairs that I have to climb and more walking that I have to do both of which equal more physical pain for me.

If I focused on all of that stuff this week actually looks worse than I thought when I started this post. In fact, as the week ends I feel like I am the weak one because I’m not ending my first week back standing on a mountain top singing “Kumbya” with Jesus. I cannot wait until the weekend and I’m counting the days until next Wed. because it kicks off our four day weekend. Grumbling much???

It’s a good thing I’m not just focusing on all of that stuff. Despite, or maybe because of, all of those things I’ve made it a point to spend time thanking God for everything he’s allowing in my life. The surgery created new pain? PRAISE GOD! They did the surgery and I now know what’s causing the pain. All the stupid paper sitting on my desk? PRAISE GOD that I have a desk and job. I remember well the stress of my unemployed days. All the confusing and time consuming HR papers getting me down? PRAISE GOD there’s a way to get paid while I’m temporarily disabled and ways to safe guard my job while I’m gone. The papers will be mailed out today and hopefully I’ve done them all correctly. All the things that have been making me angry? I haven’t been as angry as I would have been say… a month ago plus my stress and anger are not debilitating me. I’m still functioning at an extremely high level. I don’t just come home and blog or veg out watching tv eps on my laptop. I have been doing some really meaningful things in my evening hours. I know that the current stressors will pass.

Looking exclusively at all the things that are stressful or pushing my buttons is SO counter productive. Bipolar Girl might not have been able to wrap her mind around that concept… but I can. If I let it, all of this stuff could really depress and overwhelm me, but I’m tired of walking down that street. There are healthier and better ways of coping with stress and I’m practicing many of those ways. I’m also leaning pretty heavily on Jesus. In doing so I don’t lose sight of all the many ways God has blessed me or enabled me to bless others. So as my week ends… I shouldn’t focus on how I’ve been the weak one. I should focus on what God has done for me through it all. I should also focus on the fact that I’ll spend my Friday night at my church serving others in Jesus name… and when I look at it that way… I can definitely count it all a week won!

Another Unexpected Surprise

I can get so caught up in my own world that I forget that the planet is still rotating on its axis. There I was so concerned about being able to work today that being able to return to work became the focus of my little world. Finding out that a colleague died makes my world seem rather petty. He died on Thursday. Totally unexpected. When I found out, I cried. Then I had to pull myself together and be professional.

Rather than give my students enough rope to hang themselves, I decided that sticking to our schedule would be a comfort to them and to me. I’ve worked really  hard to imbed an infrastructure in my class that is rock solid. It got tested during my two week absence. The students pretty much ran the class. I was pleased to hear that because it means I’ve taught them well. SO… if the face of this tragedy, we did what we always do and the students seemed to doing leagues better than they would have if we’d made the morning all about mourning.

A scripture came to mind… the one about focusing on all the good stuff and that gave me an idea. Each class we do a warm up activity as soon as the students come into the room. It’s usually interview related. Today I made it simple. Knowing that their minds would want to focus on the death I chose to have them celebrate life. I had each one of them write down their 10 favorite things. It could be anything…favorite song, sport, person, food. It was open to pretty much everything. It was good to hear them celebrating the things that make their lives worth living. This brought a levity to the class that I think we all needed.

By the end of the day I knew that God has working through that scripture. We focused on things that we like… things that are good and by the end of they day things really had been good. It wasn’t until  got home and opened an unexpected email that my buttons got mashed, but I guess all that celebrating life had gotten to me. I’m literally falling asleep as I type this and it’s not even 8:30. No time for editing or any cute pictures … and did I mention that I was too tired to edit?

Anger

Majorly interesting parking drama this morning as I tried to maneuver around the jet skills, the rain gutter that dumps buckets of rain on my car; and the huge mud puddles that live where I now have to park.

Is THIS the test? Bad parking and standing muddy water?

Then I count myself lucky. My trials are so trivial. I will get over petty parking drama. It’s just a problem waiting for God to show me a solution. I’m not angry. Why should I waste the emotion? I was annoyed as I tried over and over again to find a spot to park where I wasn’t going to end up ankle deep in mud… but I’m not angry. Good thing. I had one of my students here working for the morning. She’s not a believer, but she knows that I am. If I’d gone all psycho angry chick it would pretty much be the same as me throwing mud on Jesus with an audience. As is, I think she was surprised and impressed by the fact that I wasn’t angry. She said she would be. It got cooler… after she’d been here for a while she asked if she could ask me a personal question. Not sure where she was going, I asked what she wanted to know. Turns out it was a personal question for her. She wanted my advice on something pretty major. That was a surprise of the pleasant variety. I told her that I couldn’t just give her an off the cuff answer and that I would pray about it and get back to her on Monday.

It became clear that this was not the answer she wanted when she pressed the issue. Good thing I’ve become an expert on praying on the move. I asked God for wisdom and proceeded to talk to her and she heard me. I also told her that she should pray herself for the next few weeks until she has to make her decision. I figure that if somebody is going to spend weeks sincerely calling Jesus… he’s going to pick up the phone. She seemed to like that and was happy when I dropped her back off at school. I had to come home and look at the jet skis taking up my paid parking spot… but I still wasn’t angry. I told the jet ski owner Guy that he had to figure out a solution for the swamp pits where my wheels should be and left it at that.

In 14 minutes I have to leave for my anger class. Where was this class five years ago when I was drowning in anger? I feel like Jesus has come in when I least expected it and worked a mojo on my anger. Ok. It was the Christian prayer counseling. I know it. And now I’m taking the anger class because I know Jesus is going to call me to use the information at some point while I minister to other people. Of course, I’ll also be better equipped if my own anger rears its ugly head, so now I need to head off to said class. Where was the class when I “needed” it? Better late than never.

Bipolar Girl, Bipolar Girl where have you gone?

I’ve been to the mountain top to visit the King.

 

And he’s changed, is changing, will change my life forever and ever

Amen.

Unpleasant Surprise part II

I went to sleep thinking my poor old ex-dentist was dead. I woke up thinking about my poor old dead ex-dentist. Then, I flipped on my laptop and the very first thing I see is an email from my not-dead-ex-dentist! Turns out he wasn’t the victim of foul play… a family emergency called him back to the mainland. Why they couldn’t have just said that is beyond me. But I will not waste time being put out — I’m just glad Dr. G is alive.

When I think of all the needless drama I put myself through because I listened to a lie told to me by my overactive imagination I feel rather stupid. But if I also factor in the depth of concern that I felt for somebody I barely know, I have to count that as a win. The girl who used to say that she “didn’t have any warm fuzzies” and that she “wasn’t wired to care about other people” cared yesterday. A lot.

All of this brings to the forefront one important thing that we should never lose sight of, but generally do: nothing surprises God. While I was running around chasing my own tail last night, God knew that my dentist was safe in the bosom of his family. What was an unpleasant surprise to me, was old news to Jesus. And when I woke up and got that email I was happy as all get out… but, again, not news to Jesus. Nothing surprises him. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the indifferent… none of it surprises Jesus. Not even my reaction to it.

SO, it was no surprise to him when my friend came over for our prayer meeting. She comes every Friday, so it wasn’t even a surprise to me. Tonight was different though. When she came in a wave of anger came in with her that was so strong it almost knocked me over. I could feel it rolling off of her as she prayed. Every time she finished praying I’d pick up my Bible and pray for the Word because nothing coming out of my mouth would have made a dent in the rage and anger coming off of her. I could feel her pain without taking it on myself, but it was kinda scary. I can share this comfortably because it had a happy ending. For her. By the time we were done praying she had a peace that could only have come from God showing up.

Too bad God wasn’t the only one to show up at my house. My landlady is out of the country right now. She told me that while she was away the house would be empty. Well, it hasn’t been empty and the inhabitants have parked a bunch of cars and a huge trailer with two jet skis in the front yard bringing a whole new meaning to the term “ghetto”, but since the people haven’t disturbed me I haven’t said anything. Tonight they disturbed me.  It was just after 7:30 when I get a knock on the door. This wild eyed guy is telling me that my friend and I have to move our cars because he’s going to park his jet skis in my back yard there for a few weeks. I’d noticed the huge jet skis in the front yard because they’re kinda hard to miss. Now this complete stranger was insisting that I had to lose my parking spot in my yard — the yard that I’ve pumped several hundred dollars landscaping — so he could park his stupid skis.

My anger level went from 0 to ballistic in 0.3 seconds. Here I’d been counseling my friend about anger only to be facing the snarling, drooling beast head on (Anger, not the guy). He wasn’t snarling or drooling. He just was not very nice about it. If I’d responded in anger it would have gotten ugly. Instead of making a scene I gave in. I’d take it up with my landlady when she got back. Before I went out to move the car I confessed my anger to my friend and asked her to pray for me. I was grumbling when I moved my car. When he almost backed his trailer over my nice little fence protecting my cute little trees I was seeing several shades of red. Talk about unpleasant surprise! If it’d happened two weeks ago I wouldn’t have cared. I couldn’t drive then. He could have just parked it behind my car. Now that I can drive I need to be able to get in and out of my car without hurting myself.

Then out of nowhere… Jesus reminds me that this was not a surprise to him.  If I acted on my anger I would be a big old flamin’  hypocrite to my friend and to the three people moving the jet skis who had no doubt heard us praying through the paper thin walls.  If Jesus wanted a couple of jet skis parked in his yard, who was I to argue? My anger was dialing down a few notches. I asked the guy’s name. Turns out it’s Guy. I shook the guy’s hand which had to have surprised him and then wished them a good night. Does it bother me that there are two jet skis parked where my car is supposed to be? Yes. Does it bother me that they could have done this during the day instead of at night  during my prayer group? Yep. I don’t want to add lying on top of my selfish anger… but the main thing I got out of tonight is that  if I argue for my right to be angry then it’s going to own me.

I don’t like surprises. Especially the unpleasant variety, but Jesus knew every link in the chain of tonight’s events and nothing surprises him. Not even the godly way I decided to deal with my anger: after my friend left I did my dishes and sang worship songs and by the time I was done I didn’t even feel angry anymore. The tightness in my chest was gone and I really did feel peaceful. Honestly? I’m not mad… annoyed, miffed, bothered… but definitely not mad and that surprises me.

Not the actual jet skis... but you get the idea.