If the Postman Knocks Twice…

Have you ever noticed that people will send stuff through email that they wouldn’t be caught DEAD sending if they had to put it in an envelop and attach a stamp to it… followed by a walk to the post office??

A former student sent me porn today. At work.

And before you start thinking that it was a hijack job, I do not think that her email was hacked. She sent it to my work email… which is federal government property. It now looks like I tried to access porn at work.

As if.

Given that I have had a long history of struggling with an addiction to porn, it’s not so far fetched that I might look... it’s just that if I did... I’m not so stupid as to look at it from my work computer. Not sure how to respond. She’s troubled. She’s lesbian. She has mental health issues. This might be her weird way of reaching out…. but if it is, surely she knows that  I don’t swing that way.

Interestingly enough I’m having the bible study in my class tonight. I couldn’t open the email at work so I sent it to my home computer. I thought it was to her blog, so I wasn’t expecting the unpleasant surprise. With such a visual reminder of all of the muck I’ve waded through in my past as a sex addict so fresh in my mind, one might think I’d take myself out of the running for the study tonight. How DARE I try to set myself up as a righteous person after all the things I’ve done, right? Again I say, “AS IF.”

Maybe I might have thought that a few years ago… but I now believe without doubt that it is for people like me, with murky pasts and questionable presents that Jesus came to save. I’m forgiven. I’m not perfect and I never profess to be. If my students are turning out expecting to see two perfect people leading a bible study then they’ll be in the wrong place.

If they come expecting to hear more about a man named Jesus who came to forgive messy people like me... then they will have found what they were looking for. My former student? She’s former because she was kicked out. I didn’t get a chance to share the truth about Jesus with her before she got kicked out. I actually don’t have regrets about that because I’m not an evangelist. I don’t try to convert every person I meet.

I have a passion for reaching people who are struggling in their faith because of mental illness or addiction or whatever dysfunction or spiritual challenge they might be facing. They already know Jesus… they just don’t know how to live for him. I’m hoping a bunch of confused wannabe Christians end up showing up for this study as the weeks and months go by. People who can’t figure out why God didn’t just work some mojo on them when they became believers and magically make their problems go away. I can understand those kind of people. I used to be one of them.

Of course, if the cyber postman brings me another email from this girl… I probably will respond. First, I’ll tell her that I forgive her for sending me inappropriate email. Then I might just tell her enough about my own struggles with purity to let her know that I understand where’s she’s at and that there is a better way. What she does with what I share will be up to her. Remember, I’m not trying to convert her. I actually need to put her and her email out of my mind because tonight my mind needs to be on the study and what I hope Jesus will do through it. Even if only one person shows up and we shine some truth into their ignorance that will be enough for a beginning.

Commercial #968

My mind is still on overload… so it’s time for yet ANOTHER commercial. There’s no “Christian” content in it… but there’s a whole lot of wisdom to be found!

Enjoy “Things NOT to Say to Your Wife”....

 

 

Laughter… right up there with prayer as being the best medicine of all.

Say Say Say

If you’ve been following my latest series of posts (before all the commercials)… you know I’ve been on a “Say What You Need to Say” kick. Tons of stuff has been pushing my buttons and I think God’s been telling me to communicate for my own good as well as the good of the other person. I think all those years of stuffing my feelings added “crazy” on top of mentally ill.

God gave us emotions and they are meant to be felt and, when appropriate, expressed. But we don’t express them. We bottle them up and think we’re being “good Christians” when nothing could be further from the truth. I know in my own life I’ve put on a mask and tried to act like I was okay… when what I really needed to do was open my mouth and speak up. God’s been telling me to “speak the truth in love” but remaining silent just seemed easier. Now I feel the need to sing like a canary. The only problem is, if I just go running off at the mouth when I’m mad I’m likely to say stuff that should NEVER be said. That’s when I need to speak to the One who counts most.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer. I think praying to Jesus is the first step on the “SWYNTS train.” Before a single word leaves the building, I need to check it with God. With all the stressors that have been pushing my buttons lately, I’ve been doing a lot of prayer. I’ve also been praying a lot with other people. Me — The “Girl in the Plastic Bipolar Bubble” is actually reaching out to even more people to pray about something other than myself. *Gasp*

After praying with somebody the other day I was surprised when the she told me that she struggled with prayer going as far as to actually resisting  it. Since I wake up talking to Jesus and keep up a steady stream of conversation all day long I can’t imagine NOT wanting to talk to him. He’s the only person in the world obligated to love me and listen to everything I say. Jesus reads my blog every day and always has a comment. Why wouldn’t I want to talk to him?? Jesus also knows how I feel all the time. She said that she felt like she was always grumbling and complaining to God. That surprised me too… because many (most) of my prayers to Jesus are loaded with grumbling and complaining. If I can’t unload to him, who should I go to when I’m heavy laden with worry or when the guy in the minivan just cut me off. “Yes, Jesus, I did just call him a @!#??”

I told her my theories on King David, writer of lots of the Psalms. If ever there was a biblical figure who had Bipolar Polar, I put my money on that guy. Many of his psalms start out all depressed and overwhelmed. He might even ask God to smite somebody who was pissing him off… everything looked bleak for a few versus… and the TA DA! He’s all rejoicing in God’s majorly divine goodness… like a ball outta left field or… right field. I don’t play sports, so his joy seemed to come out of whichever field is the really weird one. But his bipolar psalms make my point for me.

David laid it on the line. He didn’t hold anything back  from God whether he was being wronged or in the wrong. He was transparent which, I think, explains in part why he’s called a “man after God’s own heart.” It’s not like he was sinless. If CNN had been around when King David ruled, there would have been a Bill Clintonesque scandal involving a young intern named Bathsheba. David, like me, had issues. He screwed up, made bad choices, and often  got mad at people. When he was down he cried out to the Lord who was faithful to lift him up. God didn’t always make all of David’s problems go away, but he always gave David perspective enough to keep moving forward in faith.

Before I talk to anybody I have to talk to Jesus about that person, the situation, and whatever’s going on in my heart. I have to be transparent because the God who made me is also the God who knows me. If I’m harboring dark thoughts about somebody… he knows it before I do. I know some people think you should never complain to God. I think you should never complain about God. BIG DIFFERENCE. When I complain to God I admit that I’m wrong to complain, but I’m not going to make things worse by denying my feelings. He knows what I feel and forgives me for being such a pessimistic whiner. Once I get all of that garbage out of the way and repent… then I can be still enough to hear him. Complaining about God makes it seem like you can do the job better than he can. The Old Testament has some gnarly stories about what happened when people complained about God. People who think that they’d make a better god than God... and who presume to tell God that he’s wrong are stupid. I might be many things, but I’m not stupid. I learned my lesson about complaining about God.

Another thought I’ve had on prayer?? Some people think that God only speaks King James English and like to pepper their prayers with lots of “Thees” and “Thous” as if Jesus talked like that when he walked the Earth. If that’s how they want to talk to their Father, their friend, their Counselor… to each his own. Me? I’m more informal. That’s not to say that there aren’t times that I offer reverent, almost formal, prayers, because I do… but, in general, I think about how Jesus walked and talked with his 12 disciples. He spent three years with the guys 24/7. You can’t keep up the thee and thou stuff that long.  It had to be very real, present, and personal. That’s how I talk to Jesus — as if he’s real, present, and personal.

So it was with much joy that I had my prayer group tonight. Honestly, I wanted to cancel it. I was exhausted from a busy week and I just wanted to eat my pork chops and rice then go to bed. It was  5:59 and I could barely keep my eyes open. But when the others got here at 6:00 and we were all sitting around my kitchen table, I entered in to a place that only happens when I’m with other people who talk to Jesus like he’s real, present, and personal. My fatigue rolled away like drop of water on a hot skillet. Our prayers bounced off each others as we sought God. It was amazing. It always IS amazing. Now  more than ever I am convinced that the body of Christ needs to take off the masks so that they can pray in spirit and in truth.

Before we speak …before I speak…any truths “in love” to other people, we need… I need… to be speaking the truth to the One who loves us most.  If I could only pray one thing for the people who have been pushing my buttons lately, it would be this, “Help me forgive them as you have forgiven me.”

IF

If the only thing I was allowed to  say today was, “Jesus died for you because he loves you.”

THAT would be more than enough said.

If You CAN’T “SWYNTS” – RUN!

Growing up in a large black family I heard lots of colorful idioms that really make me wonder how I understood my family growing up. My mom used to always say that you couldn’t hit so-and-so in the “butt with a red hot apple.” If you can figure out what that one meant, send me a message. Others were less cryptic, but still hard to really wrap your mind around… like how my momma always used to say that I was “running off at the mouth”  whenever I talked too much. To this day, the visual for that is still confusing.

As a young child you couldn’t shut me up… until… well… something did. A combination of somethings effectively silenced me and I went from “running off at the mouth” to talking in a secret code language to my dog, Whiskey. It was just a lot easier not to say anything to anybody in my family when I was upset because tears were a sign of weakness and I was a crier. My dog would listen and nod in all the right places.

Fast forward to now and I’m on a “say what you need to say” kick. Remember the emphasis is on “need” not “want.” If I went back to the mainland and told my family all that I wanted to say… then I really would need to run and it wouldn’t be “off at the mouth.” It’d be for the nearest airport because at least two my sisters would draw straws to see who could kill me first. Fast forward to right now…

Over the years I’ve blogged at length about all the unhealthy ways I’ve handled anger, stress, pain, and bitterness in the in an attempt to become spiritually and mentally healthy. This post isn’t about that. A few posts back I asked the question “What should I do if I can’t “say what I need to say” and suggested that prayer is the best answer. I still believe that because it is.  But it’s not the only answer.

What if the person you need to say something to is dead? Or too young to fully understand all the words pouring from your mouth?? Or worse, old enough to understand and yet doesn’t care?? You’ve told them what you needed to say and they didn’t give a rat’s beady little eye ball. Or  what if you have so much bouncing around in your head that you’re having a hard time sifting through all of it to find the nugget of truth that really needs to see the light of day.

I used to turn to tv when I was stressed about talking to somebody about something sensitive. I can sit and channel surf with the best of them. FOR HOURS. If they made channel surfing an Olympic event, I’d take the gold. I could lose entire days channel surfing to avoid dealing with life. And if I wasn’t channel surfing I was eating. At my heaviest I was 215lbs, but that was in my early days of bipolar meds when my weight ballooned from 138lbs to 215. I could go on listing all the unhealthy things that I’ve done to deal with my stress, but why? There are healthier ways and in these past few weeks I’ve been trying one.

Stress has been choking my neck since I went back to work and I’ve gotten folks to pray for me. I’ve been praying a ton, but still the tense tightness in my chest, neck, and shoulders would not go away. I’ve been grinding my teeth so badly at night it’s amazing that I still have any. Since I’m not depressed, I’d say that my mind is coping with the stress fairly well, but my body isn’t. I’d come home from work tense and full of this nervous angry energy. Not the kind that leads to depression. I wasn’t reaching for the pint of Ben and Jerry’s. And since I don’t even own a tv, channel surfing into oblivion isn’t an option.

Every day that I’ve been physically able I’ve come home, popped in my Jenny Craig walking dvd and I’ve walked a mile and a half. I’ve owned this dvd for probably 4 years and never thought to really use it. I hate exercising with an intense passion.  The only reason I started doing this dvd now is because I needed some kind of physical therapy as I recovered from my surgeries. I tried walking outside, but the forward motion of it pulled my abdominal muscles too much and I hurt. I was surprised the first day that I did the dvd walk because it didn’t hurt. I could only do 10 minutes of the tape… but I felt like I’d done something. Each day I tried to do more until finally I could do the entire 1.5 miles without any pain. I don’t understand why I can do this dvd and still have problems walking around the grocery story, but I’m just happy to find a physical outlet for all this pent up energy. Once I come home from work the tape goes in and as I walk I think about what’s bothering me, but rather than feeling overwhelmed, possible solutions start coming to mind.

I realized one day last week that I have actually come to enjoy these little pt sessions. They make me feel better even though the pain isn’t gone. I’m not getting worse so that has to count for something.

Depressed people tend to isolate themselves and hygiene and exercise are two of the first things to go because who cares when you’re alone, right? Therapists used to tell me to get out an exercise, but I felt like I had a 100lb weight  strapped to my back. I might sign up for a gym membership but the rip myself to shreds when I stopped going. Why would an overweight depressed woman want to be surrounded by skinny women in workout gear?? That’s enough to make you homicidal rather than suicidal. If ONLY I knew then what I know now. That I can put in a dvd in the privacy of my own home and walk at my own pace… and actually like it.

Right now there is still so much that I think that need to say, but God hasn’t given me any clues as to how to say it, when to say it, or if I should even say it all. That is creating some stress in me, but I feel like he’s challenging me with all of this to take me to the “next level” — whatever that is. He’s stretching me and growing me and the pruning is so evident I’m surprised other people don’t see the hatchet marks. I know that in his timing he’s going to tell me what to say and when to say it or he’ll give me the grace to be silent. Right now he’s  telling me not to go “running off at the mouth.” I’m supposed to keep my words behind my lips until he tells me to open them. And since my mouth isn’t doing all the running and my body isn’t able to… I’m going to come home today and pop in the dvd. I’m going to be content with taking care of myself the best way that I know how: being still before God, but walking while I do it.

When You Don't Need Jesus

Reblogged from All For Love and Love For All:

As Christians it is our responsibility to be witnesses for Christ. We are called to go make disciples and spread the good news to all the lost and hurting people who need him. But a lot of non-christians seem to take offense to this. I have talked to many people who claim that they aren’t lost or hurting. They are doing just fine on their own and they simply don’t need Jesus.

Read more… 496 more words

When I read this post it really spoke to me. With permission from the original blogger... I continue my commercial intermissions while I attempt to gather my thoughts...

Another Word from Our Sponsor: Ps 139

Today is one of those days where less of me and more of him is best. I found another Skit Guys video on YouTube. It’s on Psalm 139  and it really spoke to me. It’s long… but it’s worth it.

 

 

¹ O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
 you have laid your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens,
you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

 ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 ¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

 ¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
   and abhor those who rise up against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

 ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
  test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Commercial Interruption: Completely Out of NOWHERE!

Or is it??

My head is still full of way more thoughts than I can sort out right now… so I’m taking another commercial break. Given what I’ve been posting about it might seem like it’s coming completely out of nowhere… but there is a connection and I will eventually get to it.

For now, here’s a  Skit Guys video called, “Romantically Challenged” that I stumbled upon on YouTube:

Hi, my name is Lori and I’m being challenged.

What If You CAN’T “Say What You Need To Say??”

Sometimes my head is so full of thoughts
that I don’t know what to say.
Oh, I know what I want to say…
but “want” and “should”
are two very different things.

So as I try to figure out
the “what”.…
the thoughts churn restlessly
in my mind
and seep into my subconscious
giving birth
to anxious dreams
and sleep deprived mornings.

What happens when I have too many
thought that defy expression?
What happens when I tire of
trying to act like everything is ok??

In the past the answer was easy.
Bipolar Girl would fall headlong
down the spiral staircase of depression.
I couldn’t express my anger outward
So I turned it inward
on myself
and the darkness
was very dark.

Praise GOD that
Suicidal thoughts are no longer
my new black.
They’re not the default button on my life.
Now I can admit that I’m angry
and really believe that anger is not a sin.
I can admit to anxious thoughts
and not feel like I’m the “bad Christian,”
the “broken Christian,” the “worthless Christian.”

I might feel like a volcano ready to blow…
but I’m not.
I won’t.
Maybe I would be if I wasn’t acknowledging my
restless, anxious, angry, and confused thoughts…
but I am because I can.
I can cast all my anxieties to God
because I know that he cares for me.
And as I give these thoughts to him
and express them the only way I
currently know how…
I feel better,
calmer,

still.

Say What You Need to Say (the prequel)

God has really been challenging me these past six years since I moved back to Maui… that I need to take off the mask and,  “say what I need to say.” Remaining silent goes hand in glove with wearing a mask and both are dangerous. What’s the quote: Bad things happen when good men do nothing?? Ok... a bad paraphrase, but you get my point.

I’ve been burned by this “good men do nothing” syndrome on more than one occasion. As a person struggling with a mental illness, I often found myself playing the role of the “weakest link” in whatever chain I happen to find myself in. When you are trying to battle the ferocious inner impulses to kill yourself, coping with injustice is generally not high on your hit parade. If conditions around me were unjust or the leaders around me were wielding their authority appropriately, I generally caved under the pressure and fell into a depressed episode. I’ve found over the year that status quo and injustice weigh about the same when they are pressing down on your neck. I needed somebody to speak up on my behalf and nobody did, so I tried. Only thing is, I wasn’t stable enough to fight  those battles and depressed morphed into suicidal.

Although I’d trained in high school and college to be an orator and a writer, mental illness leveled that playing field. I couldn’t advocate for myself. It was humbling and humiliating that I couldn’t speak up for myself without completely falling to pieces. It was humiliating and hurtful that the very same Christian people who were supposed to be guiding me in the faith were often the ones ignorantly doing the greatest amount of harm. I’ve posted before about what happens when “good people do bad things.” I guess this next series of posts will round out the trilogy, because when I was unable to credibly speak up for myself, I believe with everything in me that other Christians had an obligation to speak up, but did not. They didn’t know what to say. They didn’t “feel called” to say anything. They didn’t want to get involved.

We, Christians, have some twisty interpretations of scripture that cause us to remain silent when we should speak up and speak up when we should remain silent. Whenever I see Christians doing protest rallies about abortion or gay marriage I cringe. Not that I support those things. My views on either topic are my own unless somebody specifically chooses to ask me. If anybody actually did they’d be surprised. On this I remain silent until I am asked to give a defense for what I believe.

The message that gets sent to the non-believing world, when confronted with all these sign waving believers, is that Christians are bigots. People dismiss God because his kids thought it’d be neat idea to go out and wave signs around. They tried that here to stop the civil union law from going through. My friends went to this rally. I didn’t. The church is not called to try to legislate the behavior of the unbelieving world. We’re not called to sit in judgment over the world and try to force our belief system down its throat. We are supposed to judge the church. God will judge the world. I trust his judgment better than mine.

When I read my bible I see that we are told to correct and rebuke other believers using the word of God as our guide. We are also told to love each other, so that the world will see that we are disciples of Jesus Christ. If we, the church, were doing what we were supposed to be doing, the world would see something phenomenal going on. The world would want to know what set us apart and THEN people would want what we’re always trying to shove down their throats. And none of the contradicts, or conflicts with, the mandate we have to preach the gospel. We keep trying to tell the world how to clean its house, but when the  non-believer looks at the church they often see the bickering, corruption, division, and other gnarly stuff. They see that we need to take care of our own housekeeping before we condemn theirs.

I am a say what you need to say kinda person… but I haven’t always been. There have been two notable periods in my life where God put me in situations where nobody was speaking up about problems that needed to be addressed. The average stable person could ignore the problems. Bipolar Girl could not. The spiritual temperature of the water that God had placed me in was set to boiling and both times it triggered severe mental episodes that quite possibly would have resulted in my suicide. Both times people stood by and watched. This isn’t to say that they didn’t do anything. People did. It’s because of the people who stepped in to help me in practical ways that I am still alive. But they shouldn’t have stopped there. They should have spoken up on my behalf to the powers that be, because when the status quo is squashing the life out of somebody it becomes an injustice. After that last episode I became afraid to say anything because it was in trying to say something that all the problems began. Or so I thought. The problems began when other, stable people who had gone before me had said nothing. If even one person who had gone before me had spoken up, things might not have been so bad for me. I ended up really emotionally, mentally, and spiritually scared from both experiences.

After all the “spiritual adhesion” removal of last year I find myself in an unusual place. I am mentally stable and I’m not at the center of any conflicts. The problems that exist around me were in place LONG before I came around and I now know enough not to take on burdens that aren’t mine. I find myself in the role of exhorter. I’m encouraging OTHER people to “say what they need to say” because some battles are not mine to fight. Some battles might even be avoided if people took off the masks and opened their mouths and said what they needed to say!!!

Something God has given to me to help me in this process (and speaking truth IS a process)… might seem unusual to many but it works for me. Since I’m a writer, writing factors heavily in how I process emotion. I put on a song, “Say What You Need to Say” by John Mayer and then I type. I type until the words cannot come anymore and I pour out everything in my heart into a letter to whomever might be at the center of the conflict du jour… and once I’m done writing I save it in my “SWYNTS” file on my desktop and leave it there. I don’t keep reading it and digging it up.

I’ll explain this process more later… but for now I’m wondering if ,as you read this, you thought of somebody you need to say something to? Is there somebody who has hurt or offended you, but you can’t or won’t say anything? Out of some misguided sense of  Christian “grace” you don’t say anything, but you feel a whole lot of many things: anger, bitterness, resentment, pain… you feel all of it, so you think you haven’t forgiven the person.

Then I invite you into my process. Here’s a link to that song (ignore the ridiculous commercial). Get a piece of paper, open a Microsoft Word document, do hieroglyphics on your kitchen wall… do whatever you need to do to help you “say what you need to say.” I do not encourage you to rush off and go confront the person with your letter. Remember that ex-friend who did that to me??? That’s evil and it’s wrong. There is a difference between what you need to say and what you actually should say. God might call you to confront that person later and he’ll tell you what to say, but first, you must take off the mask, get real before God,  and look at what you really feel… and say what you need to say…