What If You CAN’T “Say What You Need To Say??”

Sometimes my head is so full of thoughts
that I don’t know what to say.
Oh, I know what I want to say…
but “want” and “should”
are two very different things.

So as I try to figure out
the “what”.…
the thoughts churn restlessly
in my mind
and seep into my subconscious
giving birth
to anxious dreams
and sleep deprived mornings.

What happens when I have too many
thought that defy expression?
What happens when I tire of
trying to act like everything is ok??

In the past the answer was easy.
Bipolar Girl would fall headlong
down the spiral staircase of depression.
I couldn’t express my anger outward
So I turned it inward
on myself
and the darkness
was very dark.

Praise GOD that
Suicidal thoughts are no longer
my new black.
They’re not the default button on my life.
Now I can admit that I’m angry
and really believe that anger is not a sin.
I can admit to anxious thoughts
and not feel like I’m the “bad Christian,”
the “broken Christian,” the “worthless Christian.”

I might feel like a volcano ready to blow…
but I’m not.
I won’t.
Maybe I would be if I wasn’t acknowledging my
restless, anxious, angry, and confused thoughts…
but I am because I can.
I can cast all my anxieties to God
because I know that he cares for me.
And as I give these thoughts to him
and express them the only way I
currently know how…
I feel better,
calmer,

still.