Say Say Say

If you’ve been following my latest series of posts (before all the commercials)… you know I’ve been on a “Say What You Need to Say” kick. Tons of stuff has been pushing my buttons and I think God’s been telling me to communicate for my own good as well as the good of the other person. I think all those years of stuffing my feelings added “crazy” on top of mentally ill.

God gave us emotions and they are meant to be felt and, when appropriate, expressed. But we don’t express them. We bottle them up and think we’re being “good Christians” when nothing could be further from the truth. I know in my own life I’ve put on a mask and tried to act like I was okay… when what I really needed to do was open my mouth and speak up. God’s been telling me to “speak the truth in love” but remaining silent just seemed easier. Now I feel the need to sing like a canary. The only problem is, if I just go running off at the mouth when I’m mad I’m likely to say stuff that should NEVER be said. That’s when I need to speak to the One who counts most.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer. I think praying to Jesus is the first step on the “SWYNTS train.” Before a single word leaves the building, I need to check it with God. With all the stressors that have been pushing my buttons lately, I’ve been doing a lot of prayer. I’ve also been praying a lot with other people. Me — The “Girl in the Plastic Bipolar Bubble” is actually reaching out to even more people to pray about something other than myself. *Gasp*

After praying with somebody the other day I was surprised when the she told me that she struggled with prayer going as far as to actually resisting  it. Since I wake up talking to Jesus and keep up a steady stream of conversation all day long I can’t imagine NOT wanting to talk to him. He’s the only person in the world obligated to love me and listen to everything I say. Jesus reads my blog every day and always has a comment. Why wouldn’t I want to talk to him?? Jesus also knows how I feel all the time. She said that she felt like she was always grumbling and complaining to God. That surprised me too… because many (most) of my prayers to Jesus are loaded with grumbling and complaining. If I can’t unload to him, who should I go to when I’m heavy laden with worry or when the guy in the minivan just cut me off. “Yes, Jesus, I did just call him a @!#??”

I told her my theories on King David, writer of lots of the Psalms. If ever there was a biblical figure who had Bipolar Polar, I put my money on that guy. Many of his psalms start out all depressed and overwhelmed. He might even ask God to smite somebody who was pissing him off… everything looked bleak for a few versus… and the TA DA! He’s all rejoicing in God’s majorly divine goodness… like a ball outta left field or… right field. I don’t play sports, so his joy seemed to come out of whichever field is the really weird one. But his bipolar psalms make my point for me.

David laid it on the line. He didn’t hold anything back  from God whether he was being wronged or in the wrong. He was transparent which, I think, explains in part why he’s called a “man after God’s own heart.” It’s not like he was sinless. If CNN had been around when King David ruled, there would have been a Bill Clintonesque scandal involving a young intern named Bathsheba. David, like me, had issues. He screwed up, made bad choices, and often  got mad at people. When he was down he cried out to the Lord who was faithful to lift him up. God didn’t always make all of David’s problems go away, but he always gave David perspective enough to keep moving forward in faith.

Before I talk to anybody I have to talk to Jesus about that person, the situation, and whatever’s going on in my heart. I have to be transparent because the God who made me is also the God who knows me. If I’m harboring dark thoughts about somebody… he knows it before I do. I know some people think you should never complain to God. I think you should never complain about God. BIG DIFFERENCE. When I complain to God I admit that I’m wrong to complain, but I’m not going to make things worse by denying my feelings. He knows what I feel and forgives me for being such a pessimistic whiner. Once I get all of that garbage out of the way and repent… then I can be still enough to hear him. Complaining about God makes it seem like you can do the job better than he can. The Old Testament has some gnarly stories about what happened when people complained about God. People who think that they’d make a better god than God... and who presume to tell God that he’s wrong are stupid. I might be many things, but I’m not stupid. I learned my lesson about complaining about God.

Another thought I’ve had on prayer?? Some people think that God only speaks King James English and like to pepper their prayers with lots of “Thees” and “Thous” as if Jesus talked like that when he walked the Earth. If that’s how they want to talk to their Father, their friend, their Counselor… to each his own. Me? I’m more informal. That’s not to say that there aren’t times that I offer reverent, almost formal, prayers, because I do… but, in general, I think about how Jesus walked and talked with his 12 disciples. He spent three years with the guys 24/7. You can’t keep up the thee and thou stuff that long.  It had to be very real, present, and personal. That’s how I talk to Jesus — as if he’s real, present, and personal.

So it was with much joy that I had my prayer group tonight. Honestly, I wanted to cancel it. I was exhausted from a busy week and I just wanted to eat my pork chops and rice then go to bed. It was  5:59 and I could barely keep my eyes open. But when the others got here at 6:00 and we were all sitting around my kitchen table, I entered in to a place that only happens when I’m with other people who talk to Jesus like he’s real, present, and personal. My fatigue rolled away like drop of water on a hot skillet. Our prayers bounced off each others as we sought God. It was amazing. It always IS amazing. Now  more than ever I am convinced that the body of Christ needs to take off the masks so that they can pray in spirit and in truth.

Before we speak …before I speak…any truths “in love” to other people, we need… I need… to be speaking the truth to the One who loves us most.  If I could only pray one thing for the people who have been pushing my buttons lately, it would be this, “Help me forgive them as you have forgiven me.”