Size Doesn’t Matter…
When I was in high school I participated in competitive oratory. I once gave a speech and brought a crowd of thousands to their feet. Heady moment for a high schooler. When I started blogging back in 2004, my original blog was the top viewed blog on the website at that time. Thousands of people viewed my blog and people actually left comments. Heady moment for a girl who was only used to journaling her thoughts in a diary where only Jesus would see them. Even when I blogged on my first non-Christian site my blog went to number three and my head went to a size 10. Heady stuff for a girl who didn’t know the meaning of humility.
Back then size was EVERYTHING to me. The size of the audience, the size of my readership… it all made me feel like I mattered. If my readership was down I felt like a failure. I still feel that way when I look at the number of views on this blog. Measuring my worth by such fickle externals is dangerous. Many a suicidal episode started out that way.
God, however, measures my worth differently. It is not the size of the audience or the number of readers… it’s where my heart is and if I’m yielded and obedient to him. Yesterday I was yielded and obedient to him. Even after getting that noxious email from my former student I still put my own agenda aside to focus on God’s: the bible study that I was starting after hours for the students. His will not mine. His will not mine. Once I dealt with my anger I had to deal with my worry. Part of me was worried that nobody would show up and we’d have a repeat of last week. Was this in God’s timing?? Should I bail on the whole bible study idea? I thought it was God’s idea… but what if I was pushing it? If nobody showed up should we call it quits??
When I ended my last post I said something like “if only one person shows up…” yada yada yada…
I meant it at the time, but if only one person had shown up I think I would have been really disappointed. I would have felt like a failure, but I would’ve persevered.
Shows how well God knows me. There were TWO people at the bible study last night and it was awesome! I’m not a large group person anymore anyway. I find that the discussions in a small group are much more meaningful and last night’s discussion did not disappoint. One of the kids asked questions that went leagues deeper than we were prepared to go the first night. The other person there asked for a bible. She will get one by next week. Two people should have made me crazy but it didn’t. I would rather deal with two sincere people than a crowd of Lookie-Lous.
My “if only one person shows up” statement didn’t get tested last night, but God was still making a point. Size DOES NOT matter. If I’m yielded to him he’s going to use that obedience towards his own ends. And his ends were WAY better than my own. By the time the study had finished I wasn’t mad about the porn. I wasn’t even mad at my student. I also wasn’t mad that all the people who said that they were coming didn’t show up. The people Jesus meant to attend were there and it was great. I can’t wait until next week. And even if the worst case scenario happens (more than two people show up) I’m absolutely positive that God will give me the grace needed to handle it.