Easter Is NOT About Me

Bipolar Girl is NOT the poster child for Christianity.

My life has been very messy in parts, embarrassing in others, and down right ridiculous most of the time. At the bible study that I helped lead on Thursday night at work, I was fairly convinced that Good Friday wasn’t about me. That’s why it was so easy to just tell them the story of the crucifixion and not feel like we had to add all kinds of beeps and whistles. If somebody does not want to hear the truth of Jesus, all the beeps and whistles in the world will not open their ears.

I guess it was the text that I received on Friday that had me thinking that somehow God had changed his natural order of things so that everything was all about me… because the minute I read the text, I took my eyes firmly off of Jesus and put them squarely back on me.What was in the text that had so much power??

A former student was in crisis and needed my help.

I learned years ago that Bipolar Girl can stress out faster than a speeding bullet; has an overactive imagination more powerful than a locomotive; and can leap to conclusions in a single bound. When I read the text begging for my help, I panicked. I started trying to figure out how I, Bipolar Girl, was going to save her.

Well, that was Friday.
PRAISE GOD, Sunday was coming.

Saturday didn’t look that much better than Friday as I wrestled with how I was going to help her. My job has very clear and present rules about staff/student fraternization. Buying her a plane ticket back to her home country would be seriously frowned upon. If I didn’t play this right I could end up out of a job. But she was crying out to me for help. What was Jesus seriously expecting me to do??

In the past, I have wrestled with telling this girl that she needs Jesus. Her life is a train wreck of epic proportions… but who am I to use my life as an example of what Jesus can do for you? This is where I have always struggled with witnessing to people. My life is not an example of shinny happy joy-filled Christianity. I feel like a hypocrite telling people that Jesus will change their life when my life is still very much undone. If I did have one of those stories of radical transformation… of if a bear had eaten off my leg and I’d triumphed over the adversity… maybe then I could tell non-believers something that they might believe.

Me? I work better with struggling believers. Perseverance is the song that I sing and I sing it in B flat. I can tell a Christian who wants to give up that they need to persevere. I don’t even know how to lead somebody to Jesus because when I became a Christian, I did not have anybody “lead” me to Jesus. I went on an eight year journey looking for truth and ended up in a church. I heard truth there and I had to decide if I believed it or not. When I figured out that they (the Christians) were right, I went to a beach on New Year’s Day and introduced myself and all my sins to Jesus. I know why I needed Jesus… but I can’t figure out what I’d say to somebody else who needs him, but doesn’t yet know him.

I walked on stage at my church holding this sign.

Today in church they did the “Cardboard Testimonies” again. Check out youtube if you haven’t seen this before. They did it two years ago when I had my first surgery. I was happy to make my cardboard sign telling the before and after story of my life on a scraggly piece of cardboard. I even came here and blogged about it. This time when I was asked to do a cardboard sign, I couldn’t. My immediate and vehement response was, “NO!” I’m still very much struggling with my sexual addiction and my anger issues even if I’m not struggling with the bipolar. My ability to love the “unlovely” has yielded a big fat nothing. I have a hard time loving the lovely. Why does Jesus make being a Christian so hard?? As much as I’ve come out of my Bipolar Bubble… it just seems like it would be so much easier if I just went back into the bubble and put out a “Do Not Disturb” sign.

I talked to my pastor today. This is the first real talk I’ve had with him since I came back in January. For once I wasn’t sitting in his office bemoaning my own drama…. but second hand drama doesn’t feel so good either. That’s when he reminded me that it’s not about me. This girl does not need me to come to her rescue. She’s an adult and she has made a series of unfortunately bad choices. In the message today the pastor said that sometimes, pain is the best teacher. Some people will not recognize their need of Jesus until they have brought down a world of pain on themselves. That’s how I was when I was her age. I made a series of seriously bad choices that brought me to the end of myself.

There wasn’t a thing anybody could do to help me until I acknowledged my need of him and asked Jesus to save me. Did making that decision change my life immediately? In many ways it did. In many other ways it did not. I still struggled with the depression and suicidal thoughts. I still had very dysfunctional relationships and the list of things that didn’t change was long. But those things are changing now. My eternity was the one thing that changed and remained changed. My need of Jesus in my life on an ongoing basis also did not change. The truth of who Jesus is and what he did for me has also not changed.

She’s supposed to call me back at 2:30 and I have no idea what I’m going to say to her. I am emotionally exhausted. Trying to save people is tiring. No wonder there was only enough room on the cross for one person. I cannot save her because only Jesus can. I can’t give her the money to go back to her home country. Through a series of unfortunately really bad choices, she burned that particular bridge. Bailing her out now would only be enabling her to make even more bad choices. It might also be standing in the way of God’s discipline. If I jump in there trying to play God, I might very well be messing up whatever God is trying to do in her life through all of this pain. My pastor pointed out that people who get in the way of God’s plans often bring down a lot of grief upon their own heads. He actually advised me to let her face the consequences of her own actions while being there to love her.

What?? No warm and fuzzy entreaties to give her “extra grace??” No insistence that I tell her that Jesus can change her life while using my own life as an example?? He pointed out that my life isn’t what she needs. She needs Jesus and that’s what I am to hold out to her. In an hour and a half she’s going to call me and I have no idea what to say. She needs a Saviour and I’m not it. What do you say to a non-believer who is in crisis and asking you for help?? I’m pretty certain God is telling me not to bail her out, but I can’t very well tell her that. I’m sure that by 2:30 Jesus is going to open my ears so that I can hear what I need to say (SWYNTS)…but right now? I’m tired and I got nuthin’.

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  1. koolgooseygramma
    April 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    God is soooo good!

  2. April 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    He is… let’s hope this student comes to believe that!

  3. April 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    You weighed all the options and I believe knew in your heart what was the right thing for you to do..Your pastor seemed to confirm that for you

    2:30 has now come and gone so I guess she has made her call and it is a faite de complis ….(spelling ??) Hope to hear what happened…

  4. April 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    I, like the Father, love your open heart. Hope all went well.
    Oz

  5. April 8, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    Actually, she DIDN’T make her call. Which makes me wonder was it all a scam to get money out of me or if she’s decided to stay and tough it out. Part of me wants to call her… but I honestly do think God is telling me to slow down. Being still and letting God do whatever God is going to do is hard. I am leaving my phone on (my phone is NEVER on) in case she calls later than agreed… I’d appreciate prayers for her and for me.

  6. April 8, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Hey Oz, you were on my mind the other day and I meant to pop by your blog to see what was up in your world then all this drama hit my fan. Thank you for thinking about me. Even if all has not been revealed, I have to believe that God intends all of it for the good of those who love him (me) and are called according to his purposes. Pray that this girl could come to count herself as one who loves him as well.

  7. April 8, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    You most definitely do have my prayers for yourself and the other girl…..Diane

  8. April 8, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Thanks Diane. She called after I posted my comment to you. It did NOT go well. I ended up feeling really defeated and I just needed to get out of my tiny two room place. I can’t drive at night so I called a friend and then went outside to breath. The walls were making me feel caged in. As I breathed I talked to Jesus. I thanked him for my job (in the event that I get fired tomorrow). I thanked him for the many blessings that he’s poured into my life as a result of my job. And I accepted his will for tomorrow, whatever that might be. I texted my boss and said we need to talk. And then I started cleaning my house. My friend never replied to my text. It’s a holiday — what was I thinking. Besides, the only person I really should run to when I’m in crisis is Christ. He’ll let me know when it’s safe to reach out to other people. I am ok now, so I know it was prayer that made the difference. Thank you for praying.

  9. April 8, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I’m up late tonight because I forgot as I do once in a while to take my nightly meds which help me rest..so I logged back on..not a coincidence… and saw your post

    You are my friend I feel…not to be presumptuous… and I do pray on a consistent basis for you and one other blog friend I have made…others I will pray for when led or asked to do so..but I am reminded regularly to pray for the many things you are dealing with

    Mainly it is for God’s will to be done in your life and that you would be aware constantly of His presence..and that you will feel a peace in your heart and spirit ..There are times I am more specific but just that you know that you know how much you are loved and that God wants the best for you

    You and I both know that God does leave us in a situation sometimes and we don’t know why..but I am consoled that as long as He does it’s okay for the time being

    If you are still up go to bed and May you have a restful sleep tonight ..”In Jesus name I ask”

  10. April 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    Diane,

    You are a real blessing to me. I have made my fair share of friends via blogs and God always seems to place certain people on my path just when our paths most needed to cross. I find your friendship encouraging and your prayers a blessing! It’s still too early to go to bed… but I talked and prayed with a local friend and I feel LEAGUES better.

    I also have a safety plan in place should I be given the boot at work tomorrow. If that DOES happen… I know I got fired for trying to do the right thing and if I had it to do differently, the only thing that I would change is that I would have been more vocal with her about her need for Christ.

  11. April 9, 2012 at 4:48 am

    I’m glad you feel better …and thanks for your lovely comment. I guess there’s a time difference between where you are an I am. I’m in Ontario Canada eastern time…and it was late when I “suggested” you go to bed lol

    My hope and prayer is that all will go well at work today. Diane

  1. April 9, 2012 at 7:33 pm

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