Home > Christians with Bipolar, Faith, God, Spiritual Health, Spiritual Journey > Before I Got Angry: Love According to Bipolar Girl

Before I Got Angry: Love According to Bipolar Girl

Before I went on that tangent that anger created I was actually thinking a lot about love.

The “L” word has popped up again to bite me on the butt like a big old angry dog. Just when I’d isolated myself from enough people to make breathing easier, God had to go and bring this subject up again. What do I know about love?? U think it’s pretty clear that Bipolar Girl is NOT the poster child for warm fuzzy “love the world/hug a tree” Christianity.

Trying to love other people generally backfires and I end up hiding out in the Bipolar Cave licking my mental scars. The anger explosion this past week was a bi-product of me  trying to reach out to a kid that didn’t want to be  reached. My reaction to his obstinance and pride was what ignited my anger. It got so mad at him I wanted to just back off from people altogether. Oddly enough, I was most mad at God. It was his idea that I reach out to this kid in the first place. Why does he send such difficult people my way?? He knows what I’m like.

When will I learn that getting mad at God doesn’t really accomplish much? Getting mad at God cuts off my ability to love others. After all, the greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength… right? 

My church is doing a book study on love. I’m not going to buy the book. I don’t like book studies. If I wanted to read a book I’d join a book club. Call me crazy, but I think if you’re going to have a bible study… you should actually be studying the Bible and not focusing on what some big name author has to say about the bible. I did commit to attend three weeks of a small group study though. Somebody specifically asked me to attend and I didn’t want to miss out on something that God might want to do, so I committed to three weeks. Long enough for me to suss things out, but not long enough for it to drive me crazy.

All this talk about love ( they’re using 40 Days of Love for the study)… made me think about a post that I’d written years ago. It isn’t lost on me that I’m not the world’s most loving person. I hate that I cannot loosen up around people enough to actually be warm and loving to them. It’s something I’ve prayed to God about it ad nauseum over the years and  I still   haven’t sprouted any warm fuzzies. God did show me something a few years back, however, that I will never forget. He showed me where love really starts.

I’m debating about whether to share that post or not. I haven’t fully learned the lesson and I’m definitely not walking in it.  If I were… I’d spend more time loving people and less time angry at them. I feel like a hypocrite talking about what love is. My last relationship was a train wreck of epic proportions. My family does not love me. My own mother doesn’t even talk to me. It has become easier to hide from people than to love them. My life is a cautionary tale – Love: What not to do.

Yet, maybe the whole point of revisiting the post isn’t to hold it up and say, “Look at me and how loving I am!” Maybe the whole point is to just look at it, acknowledge how short I fall, and then be still and let God work in me. He wants me to love people more than I want me to love people. He knows that loving them starts with loving him.

Ok... having said that, I guess I will share the post as part II to this one…

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Love According to Bipolar Girl: What IS Love??

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  1. robinjabraham
    April 28, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Interesting take…I believe all of us go through similar emotions,,,which is what I believe magnifies God’s love. The fact that we realize again and again that we are but, human and will fall. God wants us to try and as long as we are genuine in or trying, his love will get through

  2. April 28, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Hello Robinjabraham! Welcome to Bipolar World. You’re right… we all do go through similar emotions. Having Bipolar just magnifies them. In the past, my inability to love would swing me into some pretty deep depressions. The question, “What kind of Christian AM I?” Would repeat incessantly in my head. That was back when I was trying to scrounge up loved based on my own efforts. That was a long time ago and love (or lack there of) does not have the power to push the Bipolar buttons… but I am still FAR from where I’d like to be when it comes to loving others. And yes, I believe you’re right, HIS love WILL get through me to other people as long as I remain genuine.

  3. robinjabraham
    April 28, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    God bless you in your efforts to find HIM

  4. April 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    We just read the first three verses of the Beatitudes in Luke the other day so your “God bless” resonates with me because I hunger and thirst for the ability to love… and those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (and wanting to love is pretty righteous, right?) will be filled. :) He will fill me to capacity with love for him and for others. :)

  5. April 29, 2012 at 4:35 am

    God is very definitely opening up the issue of anger vs love with you and I think that you are dealing with it in a good way..I mean you’re sorting the feelings out and seeking God’s help….with regard to reading a book for Bible Study..I agree..study the Bible and bring the group’s ideas of scripture out..and talk about them!……also do publish the ‘post’ you mentioned…Diane

  6. April 29, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Thank you for giving me a different perspective on my “anger vs love” struggle. I tend to think that because I struggle with anger so much… that I’m a “bad witness” or that I have to be doing something wrong since I’m not holding hands with people and singing Kumbaya. I might be lagging behind in Kumbaya, but I’m definitely good at sorting out the acknowledging the feelings/sorting them out and seeking God’s help with them. Being anger is just so tiring and I’m so tired of being tired.

    I’m going to publish the other post this morning. I’d be interested in your thoughts.

  1. April 29, 2012 at 7:27 am

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