Bipolar and Fight or Flight

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fight or flight.
It’s a pretty basic human instinct.
We feel it all the time.
I felt it this morning at church.
Which is probably not
Where God intended us to feel it.
I felt the fighting part
BEFORE
I got to church,
I was in a bad mood,
but figured I could keep a
Lid on it.

Seems I figured wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never was any good at figurin’.
Flunked Math at Berkeley
Three times.

I didn’t even want to be in church today
And that only got worse once I actually got there.
So much was mashing my buttons this morning
That my fight or flight responses started warring amongst themselves.
I hate when that happens.
I get all crazy trying to
Withstand the internal struggle.

I found myself escaping to the bathroom
where I could wrestle with Jesus in peace.
Then Jesus and I took it outside.
I stood outside the building looking up at the mountain.
Yes, there is a mountain right outside the church with a cross on it.
Not close enough to climb.
Close enough to see.
I did not even have to make up my own metaphor
because God didn’t want me to miss it.
My mountains are nothing to Jesus.
He knows ALL about my mountains.

My car was just a few doors down.
I could just get in it and go.
I’d feel like crap if I did…
but running is ALWAYS an option.
Jesus will always let you run if you are intent on running.
Of course, he’ll always be there when you decide to turn around.

I didn’t look up at the cross on the mountain again,
But I knew it was there.
The cross is always closer than the exit.

I do not know what Jesus said to make me turn and go back in…
But I’m glad he said whatever  he said.
The message was meant for me.
Everything the speaker was saying,
I
have said.
The very “rightness” of it all…?
I know truth when I hear it.
It has way of lifting burdens you didn’t even know
That you were carrying.

I’d have missed out if I’d left.
I know it and
Jesus
Knows it.

He helped me diffuse the internal
Bomb that was me.
He deactivated the
Flight or fight response.
He reminded me that the only way
to cope with this current season
in my life
is to draw a line in the sand,
plant my feet, and stand firm
behind him.

  1. February 10, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    At least after all the feelings you had, you were glad you went back in! I know that Sundays are questionable right now for you and was wondering how this one went…Diane

  2. February 11, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Ultimately, I know that in the end, if I really want to follow Jesus I need to be a part of the body of Christ, so no matter how stressful church is for me… I need to be there. I do not say that I “have” to be there because God gives choice. I know he’d understand if I decided to stop altogether but I’d be missing out on experiencing the body life of Christ. It might feel like I’m in a desert struggling with myself… but it’s a desert God is going to help me cross. When I wasn’t going to church I KNEW that I was in a desert and I was dying of spiritual thirst.

  3. February 14, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    Hi there sister in god.. Every time I see an email of u posting a blog my heart warms up a bit. It’s been two years since I first found ure blog and one year today since my surgery and u will never understand how much u have been there for me. Every post, every sentence, every words u type has inspired me, brought me to tears, made laugh and most of all kept me going. I haven’t been doing much fighting in my life the last year lots and lots of flight responses to everything to everyone. And it’s scary cause that isn’t me.. I have a good fight or flight percentage when needed. But in the last year all I did was crawl into a ball and roll to the corner and shut down. I’m getting stronger.. But like u the lack of church and fellowship has weakened me. People who I call “stupid ignorant selfish aholes” have let me down and most of all my body continues to betray me. Why does my body hate me so? This Is at times the question of the day. I’ve learn a horrible but sad fact in the last year. I am alone I cannot count on anyone… for the expectations I have put on each person in my life are completely and utterly ridiculous and they will always let you u down. My husband included. U cannot n should rely on others to make u or allow u to feel that u will have someone to catch u each and every single time. Mental illness is a full time job. To live with someone with mental illness for that person is a full time job. Even when they seem k. U have to b vigilant and watch out for triggers, changes and so on. It’s exhausting!!! For everyone! And if u are not whiling to admit I love and live with some who had a mental illness and this is what I must do to care for them…. What happens? Does that relationship became a casualty of the disease? Maybe. All I know, and even you have said many times on post that god is the only relationship that stands the test of time when it comes to living with mental illness. Regardless all we can do is try, try to see where this life will lead is, where tomorrow will lead us, where our god will lead us. And maybe one day we will understand it and value each and every single tear we have cried for this thing that has hindered our full potential to bloom. Much love my sister

  4. February 15, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply tita… I wasn’t sure how. It pains me to know that your suffering continues and I am so sorry for all the hurt that have endured at the hands of people who were supposed to love you and be there for you. The temptation to crawl up into a ball to avoid more pain would be really high. As would be the temptation to stop trusting people. You know I struggle with the same thing, so I don’t say this lightly or ignorantly: Do not give into that temptation. Do not withdraw from life even if it’s painful. That is not what God has for either of us. The more I edge people out, the lonelier I get and that is not a good or healthy place.

    I have to continue to put myself out there even when I do not want to. I have to step out to trust somebody, knowing that they are fallible and will make mistakes. My friends don’t always get me… but they always love me. They may not be able to always help me or be there… but they are there. We need people. Yes, I stay on the fringe, but fringe is better than total isolation. People have the potential to hurt you… but they also have the potential to love you. My prayer is that God would begin to love you through the people who puts around you. ~Peace…BP

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