The World According to Bipolar Girl: In Response to a Friend pt II

This weekend I took a break from people. I’ve just been still. I believe that God is giving me wisdom to begin to navigate my way out of this angry pit I’ve fallen into.  The mediation that I’ve been waiting for at work has yet to take place, but I am ok waiting. I also know that it will not be an overnight solution. It took months for things to get this bad, it’s going to take time to restore that which never was. You can’t call it “reconciliation” if there was never a relationship to start out with, can you?

But enough of that. I’ve carefully tried to distance myself from my work related triggers the past two days. Time enough to deal with them on Tuesday. I’m going to turn my thoughts and my words back to the response I was making to comments from a friend here. I’ve already responded to her first question. Her second comment wasn’t so much a question as it was a comment that spoke to me. Here is my response to her:

I thought I could b open n b honest but the more I told of me.. The depressed me.. The bipolar me.. It’s as if everyone wants me to shut up now….I feel that part of me isn’t accepted

Sad, but true… there will be people, loved  even ones who will not understand you or accept you because of your Bipolar. That is their loss not yours. My family does not accept me… but I know I am a funny, intelligent, creative, and interesting person. It is their loss that they do not get to be in relationship with me. Yes, it grieves me that I do not have a family. But I could not continue to wear the mask for them. I could not continue to pretend to be someone I wasn’t or to pretend that everything was ok when it wasn’t.

Sadly, I’ve lost friends who tried to fix and/or save me only to get bitter when I didn’t get fixed. They cut bait on our friendship and made me feel awful and broken in the process. If only they hadn’t tried to do something no human was ever going to be able to do… things might have turned out differently. I was not looking for a human savior. I’m still not. I tend not to miss those people so much. But, I’ve also lost good friends because they couldn’t cope with me and my illness. My darkness…the depressed me… the Bipolar me… overwhelmed them. Some of that was my fault. It took me a while to learn about appropriate sharing. I’ve had to learn the hard way not to overwhelm the people I love or to have unrealistic expectations of them. Most people do not understand mental illness and the church is still really ignorant.

If you have overwhelmed people, you can work on appropriate sharing with appropriate people. It’s a learned skill. I used to be an “emotional black hole” — I’d suck people into my drama and they’d have no idea where they went. When I was depressed and suicidal I didn’t always know when enough sharing became too much sharing. People kept trying to “save” me and couldn’t understand why their efforts failed. I’d get the standard schpeel — scriptures rammed down my throat, instructions to pray more, read my bible more, go to church… and all of it would piss me off. I’d tried all of that and couldn’t figure out why none of it was working. Last year I read a book where the Christian  counselor said that suggesting all of that stuff to a person with Bipolar Disorder is the very worst thing a person could do. I totally want to photocopy that entire section of that book and give it to my friends. Sort of a “Bipolar Handbook” so they don’t risk offending me when I’m in crisis and I don’t risk offending them when I get mad.

Now I give people outs. I do not share too much info with any one person at any given time and I also ask them if they’ve heard enough. I try not to put too much of a burden on any one person and I never try to make people feel like they are responsible for healing, fixing, or saving me. Even during my suicidal episodes of more recent years, I tried to make sure people realized that any negative life choices I might make were mine. If I ever really did decide to kill myself, there wasn’t going to be anything anybody could have told me that would have made a difference.

Most people will get burned out and frustrated if they feel like they have to continually play savior to somebody who doesn’t get “saved.” They are ignorant about how mental illness works. They also tend to get upset when you don’t get “better” fast enough. Part of appropriate sharing is not using  your friends and loved ones as free therapy. It’s easy to do that, so you have to find the line between appropriate and inappropriate sharing. In this, I still tend to lean towards extremes. Now I don’t overwhelm people… I “underwhelm” them. I tend to keep people in the dark and at a distance because I’m tired of talking things out, but God keeps reminding me that I’m not an island. I’d venture to guess that he doesn’t think you’re an island either.

Over the years I’ve made use of professional therapy and medication. Those people are paid to listen to me so they couldn’t run away or make me feel bad for feeling bad. It did begin to bother me that my therapists were not Christian, but in the early days of counseling, that was not an issue for me. I needed somebody to listen to me who wasn’t going to get overwhelmed and run away. I also needed somebody to prescribe meds. If you need therapy or meds make use of them. There is nothing un-Christian about this and it doesn’t show a lack of faith.

As long as both were helpful, I took advantage of them. When the meds stopped being beneficial, I stopped taking the antidepressants. When the doctors started telling me things that contradicted my Christian faith, I stopped going. Right now I asked my personal care physician to up my Lithium because I think I might be battling mania. Hard to tell since I haven’t had a true manic episode in over a decade. I don’t feel the need to go see my old therapist so I’m not.

My point? If the depressed part of you is creating stress or drama that actually can be addressed through therapy and meds use them. That might just make it easier for people to cope with you. My life was fairly out of control before I went on the meds. I also had to try different meds until I found something that worked. If you’re on meds and they’re not working look into other prescriptions. If you’re seeing a therapist and that’s not working pray about finding somebody who actually will help. And if you can’t find someone you like and trust… blog. It’s still the best free therapy around.

I’ve made no secret in this blog of the fact that I’m struggling right now. Oddly enough, people aren’t running away from me. I have a solid group of people who love me, support me, and are actually trying to run towards me. People from work and from church are affirming who I am, my value to them, and are attempting to understand me enough to give me the space I need as God walks me through this season. I believe that God has people like this for you. Until he reveals who those people are to you, do not give up hope. I cannot tell you when my own world is going to stop shaking, so I can’t predict when yours will. I won’t quote scripture at you and tell  you to do all this stuff that you are incapable of doing right now. I will continue responding to your comments and praying for you. I will also  remind you that Jesus loves you and knows exactly what you are feeling and where you are. He hears your thoughts, sees your depression, and will never tell you to shut up.

The World According to Bipolar Girl: In Response to a Friend

Since I started blogging back in 2004 God has lead many other people who have struggled with Bipolar Polar across my path. I had not expected this. I’d originally started blogging as free therapy because I felt so isolated and alone. I didn’t have anybody to really talk to about my disorder and I was very much ashamed. Add my embarrassment about my incest issues and the sexual dysfunctions related to it… and you had a very wounded woman with nowhere to go.

Becoming a Christian did not eliminate my woundedness. In some ways it made it worse because I’d look at people in church and in my bible studies and wonder why God would surround me with people who appeared to be  so healthy and so whole. I didn’t always have Bipolar Disorder, but even before it manifested my basic personality leaned towards being very intense and very melancholy, but I was also really intelligent and I was told that I had tremendous potential. Watching Bipolar chew up and spit out that potential was a nightmare that nobody else seemed to understand… except the people I met when I started blogging. They knew and understood because they’d lived it.

Blogging opened up a world of support for me that I could never have expected. Along the way I have made many cyber friends who shared their stories with me as I shared mine. My initial blog was on a Christian website, so the support I received was always coming from another believer and even the people who were not struggling with Bipolar Disorder generally had something comforting to share.

People can be so ignorant when it comes to mental illness. Well-meaning Christian people can say some really stupid, religiousy stuff that does more harm than good, so I found it helpful to unburden myself in my blog because keeping that stuff locked in my head was like holding a loaded gun to it. Right now Bipolar Girl is not doing too well. I could sit and wallow which would be a sure fire way to end up in a depression OR I can try to look beyond my own circumstances.

One cyberfriend that I’ve made here is struggling with Bipolar Disorder and a hysterectomy. Since I’ve walked the same path I have some idea what she must be going through although it sounds like her road has been much harder than my own. My heart grieves for her and there’ve been a couple of times when I almost reached out to her via email, but stopped myself. I mean who am I to be offering advice? I’ve you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you KNOW that I do not have my act together. I would not say that I am walking in “victory” with God… but I will say that I am walking.

I’m persistent. I have a hope that no matter how defeated I might often feel — God is God. He sees me and my life and nothing about it surprises him even though it might often be uncomfortable for me. That’s when I’m reminded that this is not a “How to Blog” or a “Bipolar for Dummies” blog. I’m no an expert. I don’t pretend to be. I have not “mastered” this illness, but I am living with it. All I seek to do is provide comfort from my own experiences with Jesus Christ. My friend posted some questions in a comment after one of my recent posts. I thought it would be best if I answered her in a post. I’m pretty long-winded most times and that response was going to take a while. But she asked me and I care enough to try to answer. Here is my response to her first question.  She asked about wanting to go away and leave all the people who know she had Bipolar behind her and start over. I hope she’s reading this:

1. Do u feel bipolar is a part of u? Not that u let it define u, but that it comes with u?

I do believe that Bipolar is a part of me just like if I had diabetes or some other illness. It’s part of my brain chemistry and it has impacted my life in major ways for more than 2 decades. I do not, however, let it define me. Even though I’ve called myself “Bipolar Girl” for over 18 years, that’s more for other people’s benefit than my own. When I let the disorder define me, it owned me. It was very nearly the death of me. When I treated it like a “dirty little secret” it owned me. I had no support and nowhere to go with my thoughts. Blogging helped change that because I now had a place to vent the thoughts that should not ever stay cooped up in my mind because those thoughts were dangerous.

When I tried to go to new places and “reinvent myself.” My disorder would always manifest. It wasn’t a question of going someplace where nobody knew me and starting over. It was a question of learning to share with people who could handle it. It was a question of learning to share appropriately. Most people cannot handle mental illness in all it’s flamboyant colors. They might think they can, but I’ve learned from experience not to overwhelm people. This is a sure way to lose friends and ruin relationships.

That’s one reason I blog. I can say a lot of stuff in a blog that I don’t share with most people. There’s even stuff that I don’t share in this blog because I know my friends read it. I have another blog where I don’t  use my name and nobody knows me. I also have that site where I journal the details of my sexual addiction. This is not the forum to air that  laundry, but I can’t leave it hanging around in my mind flapping in the breeze like piles of dirty laundry that refuses to come clean.

I have lost a lot of relationships because of my disorder… but for all the people who could not accept me or my illness…. God has blessed me with a whole slew of people who know me and accept me for  me. The trick is not to give up on people in general which is hard for me. But just because the people in your life cannot handle the reality that is Bipolar, does not mean that God intends for you to be alone or to keep running. Some people you will have to let go of (it might even be family)… but God doesn’t leave voids. He has given me friends and family on two continents and a couple of different states. I believe that he will do the same for you in his timing. Do not give up. I say this to myself as much as to you.

You might end up moving and if that’s the case, you have a chance for a new start, but you will also find that Bipolar will go with you. I found out the hard way when I moved back to Maui in 2005 after being gone for seven years. I tried to keep my Bipolar a secret and things imploded. It has only come through self- acceptance that I have found some measure of peace and that is my prayer for you.

There was more to her questions… but I think this is enough for now. I will respond to the rest of her questions in my next post. My prayer for her is that she persevere through the strength of Jesus and that he would give her comfort. I pray that he sends her people who are safe and who will stick around even if they do not fully understand her. I pray for an outlet for my friend and appropriate places where she can just be herself. And I pray for mental wellness — for her and for me. I never thought the dark place would ever recede and it was hard to have hope that it would… there was no way that I could envision my life now back then.

I had to wait on God and trust him and I know my friend knows this, but it bears repeating: I had to believe that Jesus loved me no matter how I felt and that even if my own mother abandoned me and all my “friends” left me… Jesus would never leave or forsake me. And he will not leave or forsake her either.

 

Bipolar in the Workplace: Say What You Need to Say

It wasn’t my plan to out myself at work today. MY plan was to go to work, do my job, sit through three meetings, and then go home. Like I said, “MY PLAN.” Clearly, God had a different plan. I would like to point out that we had our regular staff meeting on Monday and I was shocked to see how unpushed my buttons were. Remember how I totally blew up at that co-worker back in January at a meeting??? If you’ve forgotten, I’m certain none of my co-workers have. Things that would have sent me over the top angry two weeks ago did not even warrant a raised eyebrow today. It was weird. Kinda creepy weird… like my doppelganger was sitting in on the meeting while my body was encased in jello back on the mother ship weird. Three meetings in one day?? Seriously? 

The first meeting was on my lunch hour. I did not schedule this meeting and had a REALLY snitty attitude about it and towards the person who had scheduled it without asking me. Turned out she never even bothered to show up. The meeting went ahead as planned and I actually enjoyed getting to talk to this other co-worker whom I never see during the course of the work day. I wasn’t even mad that it bit into my prep time or that my last two classes were a bit rushed because of it. The second meeting?? That’s where God changed my plans.

It was our monthly mental health meeting where we discuss students who might have special needs or who we’re concerned about. In the context of discussing one of the students it came up that he’s on medication. Due to confidentiality, the therapist cannot say why. I, however, am not bound by such confidentiality and the student disclosed his condition to me during a bible study. He has bipolar. I felt a connection that I hadn’t previously felt with him. Us mental cases have to look out for each other.

So much of what is mental illness manifests as “bad behavior” that if you didn’t know… you’d think the person was just being a jerk. This is not to say that you can’t have bipolar and be a jerk too... but there are things to be aware of that can make life heaven or hell for a person with bipolar disorder. In order to share this information that could help him, I had to disclose the context in which he shared it and then share about myself. Not what I’d planned to do today… but it opened up discussion about bipolar and the kinds of behaviors that are characteristic of the disorder and what it looks like. It gave people insights into how to work with him.

People have heard the term “bipolar,” but generally have no idea what bipolar is or what it looks like or how common it is in the population. I’m positive that there are other students on our campus with mental illnesses and I think we could do so much more in the classroom to help them if we knew. There is no shame in having a mental illness, but all too often were are made to feel ashamed because we can’t “snap out of it” as fast as other people would like or because we don’t act normal. What is “normal” anyway?? Of course, things are WAY better than when I first got diagnosed. Back then the idea of outing myself in a staff meeting would have triggered all kinds of mood swings because people were just so ignorant back then. Today? I didn’t even think about it and I don’t care what people thought about me. My disclosure wasn’t about me anyway. It was about helping a young man who has not yet learned how to manage his disorder and who does not know how to advocate for himself.

Directly after that meeting we had a third, all staff meeting, and PRAISE GOD I did not have any kind of meltdown. It would have been the outside of awkward to have a meltdown minutes after disclosing my disorder. The only thing I regret was not saying something when the therapist talked about all the things that help control bipolar disorder. I wanted to say that God, through prayer and the body of Christ, controlled my disorder until he finally delivered me from all major manifestations of it with my hysterectomy. …But that probably wouldn’t have gone over so well around the conference table…

STILL: GOD, not the meds, not the therapy, not anything else… is 100% responsible for controlling my disorder. Those things helped and I’m not knocking any of it… but God is the reason that my life is livable today.

Check out this video that Glenn Close made with her sister. I’m glad I said what needed to be said…

Commercial #968

My mind is still on overload… so it’s time for yet ANOTHER commercial. There’s no “Christian” content in it… but there’s a whole lot of wisdom to be found!

Enjoy “Things NOT to Say to Your Wife”....

 

 

Laughter… right up there with prayer as being the best medicine of all.

If You CAN’T “SWYNTS” – RUN!

Growing up in a large black family I heard lots of colorful idioms that really make me wonder how I understood my family growing up. My mom used to always say that you couldn’t hit so-and-so in the “butt with a red hot apple.” If you can figure out what that one meant, send me a message. Others were less cryptic, but still hard to really wrap your mind around… like how my momma always used to say that I was “running off at the mouth”  whenever I talked too much. To this day, the visual for that is still confusing.

As a young child you couldn’t shut me up… until… well… something did. A combination of somethings effectively silenced me and I went from “running off at the mouth” to talking in a secret code language to my dog, Whiskey. It was just a lot easier not to say anything to anybody in my family when I was upset because tears were a sign of weakness and I was a crier. My dog would listen and nod in all the right places.

Fast forward to now and I’m on a “say what you need to say” kick. Remember the emphasis is on “need” not “want.” If I went back to the mainland and told my family all that I wanted to say… then I really would need to run and it wouldn’t be “off at the mouth.” It’d be for the nearest airport because at least two my sisters would draw straws to see who could kill me first. Fast forward to right now…

Over the years I’ve blogged at length about all the unhealthy ways I’ve handled anger, stress, pain, and bitterness in the in an attempt to become spiritually and mentally healthy. This post isn’t about that. A few posts back I asked the question “What should I do if I can’t “say what I need to say” and suggested that prayer is the best answer. I still believe that because it is.  But it’s not the only answer.

What if the person you need to say something to is dead? Or too young to fully understand all the words pouring from your mouth?? Or worse, old enough to understand and yet doesn’t care?? You’ve told them what you needed to say and they didn’t give a rat’s beady little eye ball. Or  what if you have so much bouncing around in your head that you’re having a hard time sifting through all of it to find the nugget of truth that really needs to see the light of day.

I used to turn to tv when I was stressed about talking to somebody about something sensitive. I can sit and channel surf with the best of them. FOR HOURS. If they made channel surfing an Olympic event, I’d take the gold. I could lose entire days channel surfing to avoid dealing with life. And if I wasn’t channel surfing I was eating. At my heaviest I was 215lbs, but that was in my early days of bipolar meds when my weight ballooned from 138lbs to 215. I could go on listing all the unhealthy things that I’ve done to deal with my stress, but why? There are healthier ways and in these past few weeks I’ve been trying one.

Stress has been choking my neck since I went back to work and I’ve gotten folks to pray for me. I’ve been praying a ton, but still the tense tightness in my chest, neck, and shoulders would not go away. I’ve been grinding my teeth so badly at night it’s amazing that I still have any. Since I’m not depressed, I’d say that my mind is coping with the stress fairly well, but my body isn’t. I’d come home from work tense and full of this nervous angry energy. Not the kind that leads to depression. I wasn’t reaching for the pint of Ben and Jerry’s. And since I don’t even own a tv, channel surfing into oblivion isn’t an option.

Every day that I’ve been physically able I’ve come home, popped in my Jenny Craig walking dvd and I’ve walked a mile and a half. I’ve owned this dvd for probably 4 years and never thought to really use it. I hate exercising with an intense passion.  The only reason I started doing this dvd now is because I needed some kind of physical therapy as I recovered from my surgeries. I tried walking outside, but the forward motion of it pulled my abdominal muscles too much and I hurt. I was surprised the first day that I did the dvd walk because it didn’t hurt. I could only do 10 minutes of the tape… but I felt like I’d done something. Each day I tried to do more until finally I could do the entire 1.5 miles without any pain. I don’t understand why I can do this dvd and still have problems walking around the grocery story, but I’m just happy to find a physical outlet for all this pent up energy. Once I come home from work the tape goes in and as I walk I think about what’s bothering me, but rather than feeling overwhelmed, possible solutions start coming to mind.

I realized one day last week that I have actually come to enjoy these little pt sessions. They make me feel better even though the pain isn’t gone. I’m not getting worse so that has to count for something.

Depressed people tend to isolate themselves and hygiene and exercise are two of the first things to go because who cares when you’re alone, right? Therapists used to tell me to get out an exercise, but I felt like I had a 100lb weight  strapped to my back. I might sign up for a gym membership but the rip myself to shreds when I stopped going. Why would an overweight depressed woman want to be surrounded by skinny women in workout gear?? That’s enough to make you homicidal rather than suicidal. If ONLY I knew then what I know now. That I can put in a dvd in the privacy of my own home and walk at my own pace… and actually like it.

Right now there is still so much that I think that need to say, but God hasn’t given me any clues as to how to say it, when to say it, or if I should even say it all. That is creating some stress in me, but I feel like he’s challenging me with all of this to take me to the “next level” — whatever that is. He’s stretching me and growing me and the pruning is so evident I’m surprised other people don’t see the hatchet marks. I know that in his timing he’s going to tell me what to say and when to say it or he’ll give me the grace to be silent. Right now he’s  telling me not to go “running off at the mouth.” I’m supposed to keep my words behind my lips until he tells me to open them. And since my mouth isn’t doing all the running and my body isn’t able to… I’m going to come home today and pop in the dvd. I’m going to be content with taking care of myself the best way that I know how: being still before God, but walking while I do it.

What If You CAN’T “Say What You Need To Say??”

Sometimes my head is so full of thoughts
that I don’t know what to say.
Oh, I know what I want to say…
but “want” and “should”
are two very different things.

So as I try to figure out
the “what”.…
the thoughts churn restlessly
in my mind
and seep into my subconscious
giving birth
to anxious dreams
and sleep deprived mornings.

What happens when I have too many
thought that defy expression?
What happens when I tire of
trying to act like everything is ok??

In the past the answer was easy.
Bipolar Girl would fall headlong
down the spiral staircase of depression.
I couldn’t express my anger outward
So I turned it inward
on myself
and the darkness
was very dark.

Praise GOD that
Suicidal thoughts are no longer
my new black.
They’re not the default button on my life.
Now I can admit that I’m angry
and really believe that anger is not a sin.
I can admit to anxious thoughts
and not feel like I’m the “bad Christian,”
the “broken Christian,” the “worthless Christian.”

I might feel like a volcano ready to blow…
but I’m not.
I won’t.
Maybe I would be if I wasn’t acknowledging my
restless, anxious, angry, and confused thoughts…
but I am because I can.
I can cast all my anxieties to God
because I know that he cares for me.
And as I give these thoughts to him
and express them the only way I
currently know how…
I feel better,
calmer,

still.

The Human Race

People first.

That sounds great… but what does it look like??

I wondered about it since God had told me that that’s what I was supposed to be doin’ and all…

but I really couldn’t figure out what it meant.

I knew immediately what it didn’t look like:

So much of life is a competition where people are trying to win. They’re looking out for number one; trying to be better than everybody else; jostling for their 15 minutes in the spotlight. I used to live like that. Before Bipolar took over my life I was a Type A overachiever. From every indications I was destined to succeed in school and go on to make a name for myself doing whatever it is that Type A overachievers do. Growing up “gifted” I got used to hearing teachers tell me that I was going to do something amazing. I didn’t count on mental illness. I guess you can say that struggling with depression and suicidal ideation for over two decades and coming out on the other side alive and normal is amazing…. but I’m pretty sure that that’s not what they meant. Mental illness is something you pretty much cannot outrun. It takes you outta the race.

For years my life looked a lot like this:

Me standing alone at the starting line. I wasn’t racing against other people trying to win. It was just me running around in circles trying to stay alive.

People first?? Great commercial slogan… but what did it really mean??

I  asked God what that meant, so shouldn’t have been surprised when he started showing me. He had a friend call me yesterday. Even though I hate talking on the phone with an intense passion, this friend and I talked for nearly 2 hours. It was wonderful to reconnect with him and just hear to hear his voice. He needed to talk to me and he needed me to listen and to understand. When I put me first the phone stays off and I return calls when I feel like it. Eventually people stop calling because they know I won’t pick up. God had another friend call today. Again… the fact that my phone was even on was an act of God. She and I haven’t spoken in months and it was good to talk to her. Her life has undergone some major upheavals and because I wasn’t putting people first, I had no idea. I wasn’t there when she really needed me… but I was there today because God wanted me to put people first. Again, we talked for nearly an hour and I’m glad.

Then another friend came over today. She facebooked me and asked could she come over for prayer. We had an awesome time of prayer and then we just talked. Could putting people first be as simple as that??? Being accessible to people when they need an ear or a prayer?? Well damn. That seems so simple. Why hadn’t I ever thought of that??? It didn’t involve me needing to be lobotomized. I didn’t have to sprout warm fuzzies. I just had to be there and listen… and since I have two ears, that’s not so much of a stretch. I had another friend come over for our Friday Night Prayer group. It’s usually anywhere from 2-4 people. Tonight God wanted me to just be there for her. She needed to unburden herself and that kind of stuff usually works better without spectators. It was good. It was intense. It was a lot of things… none of which involved us racing against each other trying to get ahead. There wasn’t anything to be won and being “first” didn’t even apply.

Tonight I feel more alive than I have felt in years. Sure, when you engage with people there is a very real possibility that you might get hurt. People are people and as long as they are people… the potential for getting hurt is always going to exist. For years I had to put me first because I couldn’t handle more hurts from people….but I’m finding that if I engage with people now there is the very real possibility that something wonderful might happen.  Putting people first??

Maybe it looks something like this:

People taking time to help other people get where they’re going…

The last two days have taught me that we’re in this together.