Easter 2024: Come ONE. Come ALL.

Church isn’t always easy for me…for a variety of reasons.⁣

⁣Easter Sunday and Christmas are triggers and I generally avoid church unless I have a compelling reason to go. Some folks might think me a heathen or a crappy Christian. God thinks otherwise. ⁣

⁣Scripture tells me that “𝘕𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘯. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘧𝘶𝘭; 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘳. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘢 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵.”⁣⁣

What that means (𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦 in 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 context) is that I’m not the 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 person on the planet with issues with church. I’m not the only 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯 with challenges with church. God KNOWs this and has grace for us. He has made a way…⁣⁣

When in-person church is too much for me to bear, my God (who 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐒 me 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 as I am) will provide me a way out (𝐀𝐍𝐃 a way in). ⁣⁣

I could not go to church (𝘢𝘯𝘺 church) in person today. The sensory overload of the week caught up to me this weekend. My sleep is so fractured I could make a mosaic with all the tiles. ⁣⁣

This morning, I went to the laundromat and did laundry at 7:30am (because I had no clean underwear); I washed the dirty dishes that have piled up in my fridge; I actually ate breakfast because there is still a bit of food in the fridge; I’m going to order groceries from Safeway online later so I’ll have food to eat this week; and I’m going to allow my fried nervous system time to calm down by going to Golden Gate Park…before heading into another busy and overwhelming week. ⁣⁣

Had I gone to church this morning, 𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐄 of that would’ve been possible and this week would’ve been a nightmare of being cold, hungry, dirty, and resentful. ⁣⁣

𝐏𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐒𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐃 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐔𝐑𝐂𝐇!!!⁣⁣

I am currently listening to the choir of RealitySF singing about how “𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘸…𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐’𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘺 ‘𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦’ 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘮 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵” who 𝐈𝐒 the firm foundation on which I stand!!!⁣⁣

I 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 put my faith in a Jesus who 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐒 me and 𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐒 me when other people don’t. He has blessed me and other people with sensory issues or mental/physical health issues who struggle (𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 me) with in-person church with a way in — a slow onramp that allows us to be present “in spirit” until we can be present in body. ⁣⁣

Even though I couldn’t cope with all the people, noise, and stimulation of today in a church building GOD brought church to me!!! And 𝐁𝐎𝐘, 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐓!!!⁣⁣

I was able to dance during the worship…and cry…and kneel in the name of the God whom I love who loved me first. Most of these things? I wouldn’t do in-person for fear of what people would think. Fear of man? It’s a snare and a b@#!!h⁣⁣

Church? Might be hard for you. CHRISTIANS might be hard for you to tolerate. I get it. But don’t let your views about 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘤𝘩 or 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘴 keep you from coming to know The Christ. ⁣⁣

Church 𝐈𝐒 for you because the one on the cross in the middle said that YOU could come – In person 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦; Online 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵. ⁣⁣

There are so many wonderful churches offering online services today. ⁣

⁣Pick one. ⁣

⁣Tune in… and hear what Jesus wants to say to you.⁣

New Time. New Season.

There is a time and a season for everything. I’m convinced of it.

There have been times and seasons where I needed to blog. I didn’t have many friends so my thoughts were backing up in my head becoming toxic. I needed an outlet — a place to process my thoughts about what was happening to me in order to make sense of what was happening to me… in the context of the world around me.

Living in “The Bipolar Bubble” is how I explained my solitary existence. I was doing Social Distancing long before COVID 19 made that term a thing. People stressed me out so much that I isolated myself from the world because it felt safer that way. Little did I know that isolation was at the root of my problems, not people. God never meant for humankind to live alone.

Sure, relationships with people are often messy and complicated, triggering all kinds of “Big Emotions,” but running away from people (and the world) is not a viable or sustainable long-term solution. We can’t make meaning of our lives (or the world around us) in isolation.

Then there were times when I needed to be silent. The internet can be unforgiving. I was the Queen of TMI (Too Much Information) long before that term became a thing too. My need to bare my soul in a cathartic attempt to find my soul often meant that I was opening myself up to critical people who like to pull the wings off of butterflies. Or (worse) to the emptiness that followed posting something that I thought was meaningful… only to get silence. Crickets. No response from anybody at all as if I didn’t matter at all to anybody.

I now know that I am a “highly sensitive person.” I prefer to say that I have Sensory Processing Sensitivity because it sounds more scientific…and thus less emotional. As a highly sensitive person, I learned the hard way that just sharing my unfiltered thoughts online could have negative consequences. Words – once they’re out there – can’t be taken back.

*Note: Some things are best left between me and God or me and my therapist!

Lately, I’ve been reconsidering blogging again. It’s time… I need an outlet.

I’m what’s called an autoethnographer. A storyteller. It’s the way God wired me up…so the stories that are piling up in my head? They need to go somewhere. Even if God is the only one who sees, hears, cares, or understands.

It’s time.
I have to blog.
It’s not a want.
It’s a need.

But where to start?  The COVID pandemic interrupted the world like nobody’s business and I’ve been wrestling with all kinds of inner ugly– much of which doesn’t need to be shared here because it was part of the work God was doing to grow me and mature me as a communicator and a peacemaker.  In learning how to tell my story (His story really), God continually reminds me that “there are no villains in my story,” meaning that most people weren’t deliberately trying to hurt me.

Therefore, some details I cannot, should not, and will not ever share here because those stories involved other people, some of whom behaved badly. I got hurt. Some of them got hurt. Hurt was had on all sides…but in the midst of all the pain and suffering, transformation and growth also happened. The kind of growth that you can’t put a price tag on because it’s priceless.

I’ve learned a lot that I want to record here for posterity’s sake. Hopefully, this latest iteration of my blog will be less navel-gazing and more “comfort for the neurotic in all of us.” I’m not the only person who has struggled with people and life…so hopefully some of what I post here will be comforting to somebody somewhere.

So, to kick off this first post of 2024…I’ll borrow a line from one of my favorite tv shows, “You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle…” (Serenity)

This post actually started out as the draft for my revised “About Me” page, but then it got rather long. A lot has happened in the adventure since I wrote my first “About Me” page back in September of 2009. When I reread that page, I cringed. I wanted to edit it. Fear and shame would’ve had me delete it altogether because some things I shared in it were really personal… and I’ve changed since then. 

It seemed best to delete it in favor of introducing the new and improved me…but the thing about the stories we tell ourselves (and others) about ourselves…is that you can’t track change or growth over time if you deny who you were at the starting line. I was a hot mess at the starting line. Can’t deny it… but I won’t let it define who I am now or who I hope to become. 

The short version of who I am now?

I believe that God called me to work as an urban missionary at a non-profit helping under-resourced school children in writing. I work as if working for (and in the power of) Jesus. I have a “sending church” back on Oahu and affiliated with two churches here.

I’m doing autoethnographic research on post-Covid church culture observing how churches provide “appropriate support” for seekers and members who are in distress because of external factors beyond their ability to cope with in isolation. I’m particularly interested in how churches might maximize online church services and online fellowship for people on the margins as a “slow on-ramp” introduction to larger church fellowship. 

In this season, I’m working on a manuscript of a workbook to equip people in emotional distress (and/or struggling with addressable mental health issues) to develop a “rule of life” that could help them overcome barriers to mental and spiritual health. 

What will this season  look like? God only knows! For now… I’ll end with my mantra:
Let the adventure begin…

Now That I’ve STARTED… How DO I Mean to Go On??

Blogging is a lot like fishing.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Each post that I write is like me casting a net and hoping to catch the attention of somebody who really needs to hear what I have to say. Since next to nobody actually reads my blog, one might wonder why I do it? Why bother? I’m not the world’s best blogger.

When I first started blogging back in 2004, it wasn’t even called “blogging.” That word hadn’t been invented yet. It was called an “online journal” and since I’d been journaling since I could hold a pencil, that idea appealed to me. Surprisingly, I gathered quite a following back in the day… because my journal had all the action, drama, and romance of a telanovella… or what would happen if a train wreck and a romance novel had a baby. I became a prolific blogger, blogging everyday. Folks showed up to rubberneck my life as it spilled onto the pages of cyberspace.

This was the day of anonymous blogging and I loved it because I could offload all the toxic contents of my unquiet mind as if that online journal was a form of free therapy. I had trouble processing everything that I was experiencing (past and present) which resulted in overwhelming feelings that had to go somewhere or they’d suck me under. So I poured out all my guts in my blog hoping to heal myself.

Now we call that “transparency.” Back then, we called it TMI (too much information) and I was the TMI Queen. But I didn’t care that I was sharing some stuff that didn’t necessarily need to be aired in public. I was building an “online community” of like-minded people… and I finally had people who could understand what I was experiencing. It made me feel less alone.

My journal was on the biggest Christian online forum at the time…and I got a lot of feedback, support, and prayers from other Christians who could identify with me, who said that they didn’t think anybody else felt the way that they felt. I think they took comfort in knowing that there was somebody else out there… dysfunctional and hurting like them.

Craving community the way that I was, I didn’t stop to think that there are “three sides to every story: your side, their side, and the truth.” While everything that I have posted really happened to me, it never dawned on me that there were real people on the other end of the story that I was telling who might have a different narrative to tell.

Sadly, Younger Me hurt people. I didn’t plan to, but I did. I used my words to tear people down because they were hurting/had hurt me and my pain needed to go somewhere. Years later, I went back over and edited out every blog post that I’d ever written that didn’t honor God. But then, for a lot of years, I didn’t know what to blog about if I couldn’t process my emotional distress. I still wasn’t ok and I still needed an outlet, but I understood that using my blog for “free therapy” wasn’t free.

After having gone to grad school to study Communication and Autoethnography, I now understand what being a storyteller for Jesus means. It’s not about writing some tell-all in an effort to heal myself through cathartic writing. It’s about telling HIS story as it unfolded in my life. It’s about knowing Christ and wanting to make him known as I have sought to follow Jesus through trials, challenges, tests, temptations… and even triumphs. So, if I’m not going to blog about life as it unfolds, what’s a neurotic Christian writer who teaches s’posed to do?

This morning I was thinking about what this blog will look like moving forward.

Now? 2023-Me sees the wisdom in not airing all of my dirty laundry and secret sins online. I also recognize that words, once they are out there cannot be taken back. While I may draw from things God’s doing in my life now, I don’t need to blog to process my day or my feelings about it. While I was pretty big on reflection even back then, now I need to zoom out beyond the narrow borders of today. In true autoethnographic fashion, I plan to reflect on what God has taught me over the years, how far he’s brought me, and how he’s used everything (good, bad, ugly, and indifferent) for his glory and to transform me by changing the way that I think (Romans 12:2-3 NLT).

I want to use scripture as my filter to help me remember, reflect, and reframe this journey by drawing from things I’ve posted or written in the past. Typing is still rather painful for me. While I have lots of things I want to say… I can’t keep typing posts this long or my hand is never going to heal.

A pastor once said that when it comes to pain, we either have the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. I agree and disagree with that. I think we get a mixture of both. Scripture says that we should view all hardship as discipline (Hebrews 12:7-11) that we can learn from. So all the pain that I’ve walked through could fall under the umbrella of “discipline,” but more like the teach and train kind of discipline than the corporal punishment kind. From all accounts, discipline does not feel good but the harvest can be huge if we learn to wait for it. In the midst of discipline, most of us are inclined to ask, “Why??”

I’ve learned not to get stuck in the “why” questions. Though I believe that God doesn’t have a problem with us asking why, it’s important for our mental health that we not get stuck there. There are better questions to ask that help us move forward through the trials, challenges, tests, and traumas… that help us not only get to the other side, but catch a few folks along the way.

Questions like: What can I learn from this? How can I grow through this? And who can I help as a result of surviving this? These are WAAAAAY better questions than “Why me?” Because on a planet with 7.888 billion people… Why not me?

That being said… I still don’t know exactly what this blog is going to look like, but the hope is that the story I tell will honor God, help others seeking to know him more, and be a way for me to grow more like him in the process. Sure, it’ll feel a lot like sitting in a boat all night and not catching a single thing (Luke 5:1-11) but God designed me to write (and hopefully teach a few things along the way). So, even though it feels like I’m writing to myself… I’ll continue to blog because the Lord equipped me to do so.

And because I want to follow him, I’m going to blog whenever the Spirit leads and trust the “catch” to Jesus.

Photo by adiprayogo liemena on Pexels.com

2023: Start as I Mean to Go On…

Knowing that I have memory deficits… God decided to make some things hard for me to forget like the day I accepted Jesus. Kinda hard to forget New Year’s Day. I will never forget that I met Jesus on a beach on Maui on January 1, 1994 even if my only actual memory of the day is what I wrote about it in my journal. Evidently, some details are best left between me and God.

Well…New Year’s Day 2023 started on a surprising note: San Francisco was hit by major storms and tons of folks (including your’s truly) were left without power. I found out that morning when my space heater cut off and I was left literally in the cold. Yet, even in that I say, “PRAISE GOD,” because it set me on an adventure that day that was WAY better than anything else that I could have planned. SO, while all the lights were out in my unit (including in the kitchen)… my fridge, microwave, and gas stove were still working.

Oddly enough, it seemed like only some of the other residents in the building were experiencing the same problem. Others appeared to have full power. Go figure. PG&E kept sending text messages bumping the expected return of service later and later so I went to Target to stock up.

The power came on in my unit the next morning but I didn’t care. Worship by candlelight on my spiritual “re-birthday” was actually quite cool. Maybe I’ll make it a regular thing.

But that’s not the point of this post… just wanted to share that since the first day of my new year started out on a decidedly different note, I knew that I needed to have my eyes wide open to see what Jesus was going to be doing in me, for me, and through me in 2023.

Unfortunately, I still have De Quervain’s tenosynovitis in my right thumb/wrist/forearm… so everyday functions like typing, getting dressed, grocery shopping, cutting my food, or even taking care of normal bodily functions is painful. I’m right handed. I can’t really hold a pen properly, so I can’t even journal my thoughts without pain. My thoughts need an outlet. STAT. But what’s a girl to do? It’s not like I can stop doing most of those things, but I can modify how I do them.

Like blogging. I STILL need an outlet because I’m battling some pretty thick emotional distress and toxic thoughts and emotions are piling up in my mind. Yet I can’t continue to overburden my one real friend here or my supervisors at work with all the stuff that’s taking up said mental real estate and clamoring to get out.

SO… if typing hurts…I need to get creative about my online sharing. Hence, the revival of something I used to do back in the day to get extra mileage out of whatever I shared on Facebook by sharing it here. Most times, it was something that Facebook offered up as a “memory” from years past and I’d reflect on how far God had brought me since I first wrote it. Or it was something I’d posted earlier that week generally related to whatever message the pastor had given in church that I needed time and space to process. I called those posts: From the Annals of Facebook and just cut and pasted them here.

Since I intend to resume blogging… now seemed like as good a time as any to resurrect The Annals. I posted this on Sunday (January 8th) before church. It felt like Pastor Ben’s message was made just for me. I’m including his message at the end because it is another reminder that Jesus knows exactly where I am and exactly what I need to hear.

From the Annals of Facebook: Trials and Temptations

HAPPY SUNDAY Facebook Ohana!

Tomorrow is my first REAL day back at work in front of children. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that because working with kids takes a HUGE toll on my emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical health. Some folks are gifted with a deep and abiding love for children and ministering to kids is easy for them.

I am not one of those people. My feelings about children are ambivalent and ambiguous which creates a lot of stress, anger, guilt, and shame. Yet Jesus calls us to love children and welcome them. I don’t always know how to do this. I don’t like working with kids and being around them is challenging.

As a result, teaching is a struggle (a trial AND a temptation) for me… and yet God has called me to be a teacher. Believing this, I taught elementary school for TEN years so nobody can accuse me of not trying. After I quit teaching in 2008, I felt called to return to teaching so I taught at Job Corps for another TEN grueling years… which says a lot about my ability to persevere.

Teaching is not an easy job and is NOT for the faint of heart. Often, it can leave teachers feeling drained wondering what the heck happened. For me, it left me feeling angry at God for calling me to do something I CLEARLY struggled to do.

While I still believe God has called me to be a teacher, I do not believe he intends me to teach children for the rest of my life. I feel called to teach adults and while I’m not sure what that looks like…I know that I’m on the right path.

So what does that have to do with church?

Online church has been a HUGE blessing to me when I was too mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually depleted to attend in-person church. I WISH there’d been online church back in the days when I taught elementary school because I would avoid the overstimulation, guilt, and shame of church by isolating myself. I would disconnect from church out of exhaustion and then feel like a backslider when all I REALLY was was exhausted and broken.

Today I’m going to attend church online because I need to be mentally and physically ready to minister to the kids that I will be working with tomorrow during the 826 Valencia field trip that I’m coordinating. It’s a bit like herding cats and requires A LOT of mental energy and emotional bandwidth. It’s going to be a full week of field trips and I need to be ready.

In order to do that…I need to do things TODAY like meal prep and other things that I didn’t have time to do this past week. PRAISE GOD I can do all of those things today AFTER watching Pastor Ben Day give another really thought provoking message.

I’m not sure if you can identify with ANY of this… but if you are weak and heavy-ladened or you just don’t have the brain pellets to go to church in-person, won’t you please consider attending online church? While I’m partial to FirstSF… it doesn’t even have to be my church. All that will matter is that you found a church where you feel like you belong and that you go… ONLINE.

I believe that Jesus will meet you where you are at. [End Facebook Post]

Now that right there would’ve been cool… I said what I needed to say. But Pastor Ben’s message was a serious word from God. He spoke into the heart of ALL of the things that are causing me distress and gave me hope of overcoming many of them as the year unfolds. So whatever it is you’re going through, know that there is a God who understands and wants to reach out to you exactly where you’re at.

From the Annals of Facebook: ER Five Year Anniversary

In the emergency room. Would appreciate prayer. More details tomorrow.

I posted that on Facebook five years ago at 8:07pm…. so today is an anniversary of sorts for me. The anniversary of the night that God stopped me in my tracks and got my attention. Reflecting back on that in the context of everything that’s happening in the world today prompted me to post THIS on Facebook :

From the Annals of Facebook

OHANA!

Wow! Five years ago I thought ending up in the ER was the WORST thing that could’ve happened to me.

Now I see it as a wake up call that changed the entire direction of my life. I now see it as one of the BEST things that has ever happened to me because God used it to redirect me!

I was a committed Christian but I still needed to change my ways and put Jesus at the center of my life instead of just THINKING he was. He’s been transforming my heart and my life ever since.I look at COVID19, the racial unrest in our country, and the division of the church over politics and policies as JUST such a wake up call.

If I hadn’t changed my life… I’d probably be dead now. I don’t EVER want to go back to the way I was before.

My question? If we don’t heed the current wake up calls, where will WE be five years from now?

The Adventure in Finding My Thesis

When God prompted me to quit my job and go to grad school… I had no idea what he was getting me into. It was really clear that staying wasn’t an option… but fear kept me from stepping out. I’d been a teacher for 20 years. What else did I even know how to do? I was a good teacher. I was well respected and well liked. I’d had a really good season from 2015-2017 where my mental health was on an upswing. God had done some incredible healing both physically and mentally… and I thought my life was just going to get better. I was beginning to look forward to my future.

Then, the unexpected awful happened.
My life was thrown into a painful storm and I didn’t know what to do.

Whatever plans for the future that I had to be abandoned. I entered a season of uncertainty and change. God was asking me to trust him… and I wasn’t sure that I could.

At the moment, I don’t know how to tell that part of the story… so I’m not going to. When and if God wants me to share that chapter of my life in greater detail, I’ll know. But for now? I look to Ecclesiastes 3: 7 about how there’s a time for everything:

a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

I need to be silent about that time… at least for now.

Back when I started blogging in 2004… when I blogged anonymously, I was the blogging equivalent of people who post pictures of every meal. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, inflammatory… I didn’t have filters when I blogged. Yes, I changed people’s names so as to protect the not-so-innocent, but I blogged a lot of things that should’ve stayed between me and God. It was my story to tell…. but did it really need to be told the way that I told it?

God seemed to think otherwise… because the Holy Spirit convicted me about how I’d be held accountable for my words. Back then, I was a prolific writer. All the times I’d come home from work upset by an encounter I’d had with a difficult student or an irate parent? I’d blog and all my sarcastic wit was used to slice and dice them with the precision of a Benihana chef. My boyfriend didn’t treat me right? I wrote about my relationship woes and people tuned in regularly to watch the train wreck. The notoriety went to my head as my audience grew.

What was easier to write… however, wasn’t so easy to edit when the Holy Spirit as my managing editor.

God asked me to go back over every single post that I’d written and edit out anything that didn’t honor him. Every snarky, unnecessary comment that didn’t serve my guiding principle: to love God and to love my neighbor as myself… had to go. It took me a while to edit out all that, but I’m glad that I did it.

IF we are to treat others as we would want them to treat us, the I’d hate it if somebody had written those kinds of things about me. Even if they were true. We all do things we are not proud of and by always perceiving myself as the victim and writing my story from that perspective, some people came off looking like villains. Yet there are no real villains in my story.

Yes, there were people who hurt me, sometimes badly… but they weren’t evil. I’ve never known true evil.

This is on my mind because I met with my Thesis Chair today.

That’s the professor who is going to oversee the next year of my research. I didn’t know when God said,” GO.” That I would be doing scientific research. I flunked science at Berkeley. I didn’t know that I’d have to write a thesis with data. To be honest… I didn’t even know what a thesis was and was too embarrassed to ask.

I just knew it was time to leave  my job and school was the only place to go. I wasn’t mentally stable enough to conduct job search and deal with potential rejections or to transition to a job in another field where I’d have to learn a whole new skill set. I had too many mental, emotional, and physical barriers that created “function limitations.” Grad school was the right place for me to go. It has been “a time and a season” to confront every single one of my barriers and limitations. God has been healing my mind, my emotions, my health, and my spirit one wave at a time.

And all of that healing led me to today.

My first real conversation about my thesis. I don’t even have a topic yet. I knew last semester that God was calling me to Autoethnography. But again, I really didn’t know what I was getting myself in for… and now… it’s too late to turn back. I’ve committed the next ten months of my life to learning to weave my story (using scientific research methods) into the larger academic conversation… and I don’t have a clue how to do that.

My thesis chair said that most people pick their topic first and then decide on their method. She said that I was coming at it from the opposite direction which made it harder and more work for me. And since none of the professors in my department know anything at all about autoethnography, I need to essentially become the in-house expert on it.

For a woman with challenges and limitations that impact how I read and process information; listen and retain information; and who reads REALLY slowly, I know that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. The 60-100 pages of scientifically supported work that I’m going to have to write for this thesis? Those pages aren’t going to write themselves. I need prayer and I need lots of it. Pep talks from folks telling me “You GOT this” are not going to help me. The sheer amount of reading that I have to read, analyze and synthesis? I don’t read that fast. I can’t do it.

At least… not all by myself.

Praise God….Jesus has not asked me to walk this path alone.

He has surrounded me with a very large group of people who want to see me succeed… who are willing to do whatever they can to make sure that I do. Telling my story in this blog is different than writing an autoethnography. I’ll be writing for “Academia” and from what I can tell… the Academy isn’t always kind.

But… this is the road that I am on.

My mind is clearer than it’s ever been. I have all kinds of acquired tools, strategies, and supports to take with me on this journey as well. And I’ve got one thing that will most assuredly keep me going when I’m tempted to quit.

When I first met Jesus, he prompted me to memorize the entire first chapter of the book of James. It’s about perseverance. It became my mantra over the last two decades. I didn’t realize until a few years ago that science had finally caught on to a concept that God had embedded into scripture 2000 years ago. Only thing is… they weren’t calling it “perseverance,” they were calling it “grit.”

So… I guess… you could paraphrase that scripture in James by saying, “Grit must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”

You could. But I don’t think I’m ever going to call myself “gritty.” That sounds so unsavory…like I need a shower or a breath mint. I think I’ll stick with “perseverance.” I’m going to need lots of it.

An autoethnographic thesis? Let the adventure begin…

Educational Psychology, Waves, and Milestones

Every single plan that I made for today fell through…. and as I look back at my day?
I can see God’s fingerprints ALL over my day. I’m good with that.

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but the Lord’s purposes prevail. (Proverbs 19:21)

This time last year… the first week of school triggered massive panic attacks. I think I cried every day for the first few eight weeks.

Right now? I’m feeling overwhelmed.
Part of me wants to cry, but that’s where emotional regulation comes in. God taught me so much about emotional regulation last year by speaking to me through 1 Corinthians 13:10.

I could spend time recounting all the things that didn’t happen as I planed, or I could reflect on what I saw God doing. God was giving me a chance to level up in my obedience, in my reactions, and in my emotions.

Instead of my plan… God led me to campus.

That was about as far away from my plan as you can get. We’re in a 14-day lock down. It seems like every day we get an email from the University informing us of another COVID19 case on campus.

Campus was the last place that I wanted to go… and yet God sent me. So I went. What we did, isn’t really the issue. We had a good time there, Jesus and I. He just wanted to see if I’d obey.

Obedience. I highly recommend it.

He also asked me to deal with a lot of uncertainty today. The specifics don’t matter. What matters is that I didn’t run from it. In fact, I put more on my plate than I thought I could handle and the end result was better than anything that I could’ve imagined.

I will mention my Educational Psychology class, though.

My first semester at UH was so difficult because I was so much older than all the people in my cohort. I didn’t have anything in common with them. God had to send me outside my MA program to find my niche.

There are eight people in the class and at least four of them are teachers. The others are professionals in the field of education.

THIS was what I had in mind when I came to grad school.

Yet… even in class today, my plans fell apart.

I thought this class would be like first year. I was not prepared when the professor said we’d be doing Zoom breakout rooms!

I think I mentioned yesterday how much I hate Zoom because it triggers panic and anxiety. With my memory deficits and auditory processing challenges, the whole class was a blur… but I held my own. All first semester I blogged about feeling like I was “drowning on dry land” and how much I hated it.

Tonight? Class was more challenging that I’d expected. The workload is heavier than I thought. I couldn’t focus on the conversations because of all the visual distractions. But I WASN’T having a panic attack.

God was asking me to pivot today… and I did so like a ballerina.
An older, slower ballerina… but still.

Today was not the end of my world as I know it. God equipped me with all kinds of tools last semester that are going to aid me on this journey. I’ve got a ton of people praying for me.

Tonight… was about being a wave walker….

Inhale.
Pause.

Slow
Exhale
Pause.

P.H.E.W!

Praise Him.
Honor Him.
Exalt Him
Worship Him.

How to Be Like the “ACTS 2 Church” Part III

Everything I’d put in that attachment to The 51 was an opportunity for prayer and a point of connection. People generally like to help. Over the years, I’d tell people that I was struggling with Bipolar Disorder. Because they wanted to help me, most would give me advice. Some would try to “fix” me. They didn’t realize that some of their efforts caused me more emotional pain. I didn’t realize until years later that part of this was because I didn’t know how to verbalize to them what was wrong. My email to The 51 was about being able to identify and communicate the pain points.

It’s like when you go to the doctor and tell him that it hurts... but you can’t explain where/how. He can’t help you if he doesn’t know what’s wrong. Telling people that I was worried or anxious is too vague. It generally resulted in them quoting scripture at me about not worrying or being anxious. Most times I was anxious about stuff that people might’ve helped me with if only they had known. It was a communication problem.

I would like to point out that quoting scripture to people while their in crisis… isn’t really helpful.

It makes it seem like you are more spiritual than they are… and it makes them feel bad when they can’t do what the scripture says. I’m not saying don’t use scripture to help people. I’m saying be discerning in terms of how and when you use scripture. And don’t be quick to assume that there’s unaddressed sin in their life and all they need to do is pray more; confess more; or “plead the blood of Jesus.”

Don’t be like Job’s friends. Take time to listen and pray before you diagnose. And before you diagnose? Don’t.

Another caution? Don’t just assume that Satan is at work and that your friend in crisis is being attacked by demons. Don’t rush in to cast out demons where there might not be any. Listen and use discernment. If spiritual warfare is warranted… ask God to show you clearly.

My problems? Not demonic. I was sitting for hours on end on the wrong chair hunched over a keyboard all day staring at a computer screen. My noisy neighbor on the right and my chain smoking neighbors on the left kept me in a chronic state of anger, bitterness, and resentment.  I was also really angry at my landlady who promised more than she delivered in her craigslist ad. This all led to stress, lack of sleep, tight muscles, and physical pain. Was there spiritual attack? Maybe. But I also needed to go see my doctor… who just happens to go to my church!!

Ergonomics/Pain Relief – God’s answer:

God worked through modern medicine. My doctor, Dr. Andrew Jun, of Manoa Family Medicine is in my ohana group! He is a great doctor and a gentle man of God! He listens to me and he prays for me. He isn’t quick to throw pills or unnecessary treatments at me. We’re partners in my healthcare. He is TOTAL answer to prayer!!

Dr. Andrew (as I call him) gave me a referral for physical therapy at JACO. Almost immediately my pain diminished. Melanie, their ergonomics specialist, told me exactly what to look for in a chair. She even sent me online links for suggestions on ergonomic chairs, vertical mice, and neck pillows. With this information in hand, I was able to make informed choices. I now have almost full range of motion in my neck!

And then God went to work on helping me actually get a chair…

On August 3, I had an misadventure in riding the bus to the DMV to renew my license. The DMV is near one of the Fisher Furniture outlets. I took the bus and went to scope out the land. It was another chance to confront my fear of getting lost on the bus. I felt a bit like Goldie Locks trying out their display chairs. I spent nearly an hour, and didn’t find a chair. The sales girl said their other outlet had a larger selection and, for a small fee, would assemble and deliver a chair to my home!

On August 19, one of The 51, took me chair hunting. She prayed before I started testing out chairs. Unfortunately, the chairs that were on sale were sold out. The remaining chairs costs more money than I felt comfortable spending. Yet, I had to make a decision: buy a chair or keep looking elsewhere?

I’m really indecisive which is textbook for “double-mindedness.” Just then, my friend tells me that Van, the salesman, was a Christian! That helped calm me down. I knew that I was supposed to buy a chair and not quibble over the cost. I bought the chair that best fit the PT’s recommendations. We made arrangements for it to be delivered the following Thursday and we left.

Then… the Mayor of Honolulu initiated another 14-day lock-down due to a spike in COVID19 cases.

I was afraid that my chair would not be delivered. All summer I went to Hamilton Library because the chairs weren’t painful. IF I couldn’t go to the library and I couldn’t get my chair, I was in trouble. I texted my ohana for prayer. Seconds after,  Van called to assure me that my chair would be delivered on schedule!!! Thursday morning, I texted my Ohana group for prayer. Seconds later, the Fisher deliveryman called. He was on the way!!!

But what about my old chair? How to dispose of it during the lock-down? My room is not big enough for two chairs….

(*note: one of The 51 bought me a small desk fan which can be seen in the background!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Evidently….God wasn’t finished answering prayers! But this time, it wasn’t one of mine! My neighbor needed a chair. She said her chair was a rock! Plus the wheel had broken and she’d been trying to balance on it! I offered her my old one and when I left she was thanking God for the unexpected gift of a chair!

 

 

 

 

 

So… as the first week of school ended… God provided me with ALL the things in my “big ask.” I’m starting my semester on the best possible foot during the worst possible circumstances.

Oh yeah… the last item on that attachment? I asked for people to read my blog. THANK YOU and BLESS YOU for reading my story. YOU are an answer to prayer!

The adventure continues…

How to Be Like the ACTS 2 Church Part II

I was nervous when I hit “send.”

My new ohana group? I’ve only been in it since last September… and I dropped out in February when they opted to do the “Vertical Marriage” couples study. I got a copy of the book. When I saw that there was a chapter on “God in the Bedroom,” I knew that I needed to sit that one out. That was really painful because I had finally found a small group where I didn’t just “belong,” I felt like I fit.

When I told Paul and Gerry (my ohana leaders) that God was telling me to step back from the group, I cried. They prayed for me and we all believed that God knew what he was doing. Fortunately, my ohana group had been using  The Line app for group texts since September. At least I could stay connected to them that way. I still didn’t have any friends at school and I felt lonely and isolated. Having that link to my ohana group kept me going even if I couldn’t physically be with them.

Then COVID19 happened.

Church went online. Everybody else’s “new normal” looked a lot like my old one. I was actually ok with church going online. It allowed me to engage with not just Kaimuki Christian Church (KCC) which I love, but several others giving me an overview of how The Church was fairing. This showed me how to intercede for the Church during the early days of COVID.

By then, my ohana group had finished the couples study. I was excited that I could rejoin them via Zoom!

Unfortunately, I felt the familiar stirrings of panic and anxiety. Zoom was a trigger! I couldn’t handle having all those people staring at me through my laptop screen. I found it terribly distracting and couldn’t focus on what people were saying. All my insecurities and identity issues started oozing out all over the place. I persevered for a few sessions hoping the feelings would subside, because I really needed to reconnect with them.

Prayer, however, didn’t make my anxiety go away… but God doesn’t waste anything! (Romans 8:26-28)

God used my anxiety as an opportunity to connect me with the Wellspring Covenant Church (WCC) ohana where my friends Dan and Rebecca Stringer pastor. WCC live-streams on Sunday the same time Paul and Gerry have their Zoom Ohana group!

During the middle of a pandemic when everybody has to isolate, God was giving me two churches to call home. God gave me two churches where I belonged.

So… what did God do after I hit “send?”

He started moving through the prayers of his people.

People started responding with answers to my prayers immediately. I wanted to email The 51 an update, but God kept saying, “Wait.” Why? Because the final answer to prayer didn’t come until this past Thursday (see Part III).

Each of those answered prayers has a really cool, but really long story. And like the Apostle John, I’ve found that there’s not enough time or space to tell everything that I saw Jesus do (John 21:25).  These highlights show the importance of including the body of Christ when we pray. I believe that it is through the body of Christ that God works most of his miracles.

Monthly Shopping, God’s Answer:

Food and body image have always been issues for me. I have Food sensitivities that cause inflammation, rashes, and bowel issues. My compulsive/binge/emotional eating only make my health worse. Additionally, shopping for food often triggers anxiety/panic attacks. After my surgeries I had mobility issues. I had to use a motorized scooter and an aid to do my shopping, so I generally avoided it.

When I went on the lithium in ’97, my weight ballooned from 138lbs to 215lbs. This caused physical and emotional problems. After my hysterectomy my weight hovered around 185lbs until I weaned off the lithium. I had to become a better steward of the body God gave me. That meant changing my relationship with food. Through cleaner eating, I lost close to 50lbs and my mobility improved exponentially!

When I came to UH, I  planned to pursue a healthier lifestyle, but misadventures in my housing situation made that impossible. The  dorm-size refrigerator in my room wasn’t big enough to store food for healthy meals. Initially, I struggled with food insecurity. I was afraid to spend money on food. The campus meal plan that I eventually bought wreaked havoc with my health. It might be fine for 20-somethings, but my 51-year old body was telling me quite loudly that campus food was literally too rich for my blood pressure and my digestive track. All my old unhealthy attitudes towards food began to resurface.

 

I share this because food and food insecurity are huge issues that can contribute to anxiety, fear, and depression. We’re seeing this happen large-scale with COVID19. But God meant food for our good. Being able to make wise choices about food and to eat food that is good for us shouldn’t be a privilege. It should be a right. My Micronesian students used to say, “Sharing is caring.”

I believe them now. During the initial days of COVID19, Christians brought me food because my money was tied up in that campus meal plan. I had no access to campus food services, so I had no food. God sent people who blessed me immeasurably!

 

But God never meant me to depend on the charity of others in the long-term.

Praise God! On July 1st I’d moved into a studio with a larger refrigerator. Some of The 51 contacted me offering to help me go shopping throughout the year. And one, dear soul, took me to Costco on July 24th, the Friday before Hurricane Douglas was supposed to hit! I was literally prepared for the storm!

I’m also really frugal and I’m a planner. The University refunded my meal plan money since I couldn’t access campus dining. I was able to use some of the refund to stock my fridge and freezer with food that I still have a month later.

 

Then my church sent me a gift card to Foodland!!! And this past week, WCC graciously gifted me with free eggs and a ridiculously large box of produce!!

 

The note on the eggs says, “GOD LOVES YOU EGGSACTLY THE WAY YOU ARE… and so do we!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why do I share all this? Because I could’ve stayed in my room, praying in isolation… but by letting people know my needs… God blessed me in ways that I could never have imagined. It connected me with people who care and I don’t feel isolated or alone. I also don’t feel anxious or worried about how God is going to provide for me this school year. It won’t be the same way all the time, but God will provide for me. He will guide me as I continue to seek out healthy community with the body of Christ!

Last week’s message at church?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

And the adventure continues…

Moving Forward By Looking Back (Proverbs 3:5-8)

School started this week. I had my first class (Intro to Educational Psychology) yesterday online. I can already tell the class is going to be challenging, but I think I’m up for it. Grad school looks different this year. And though I still don’t quite know what I’m doing yet, I’m not freaking out like I did this time last year.

First semester was an emotional and physical nightmare. I didn’t blog much back then because life just hurt too much and I was overwhelmed. This semester? I hope to chronicle the heck outta this journey because I want to be able to look back and see how far God brought me, so that I will have a greater appreciation of where he leads me by the end of the school year. COVID19 has changed everything. I need to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stronger when I complete grad school so I don’t have a mental health crisis on my hands.

First semester was an overwhelming rush of sights and sounds that I couldn’t process. Initially, I retreated inwards and that only made things worse. When I ended up getting E. Coli, I had to call out to God in ways I never had before. And he told me to call out to the church in ways that I…. never had before… and in the process, I grew.

I still cannot believe how much I grew…but still… why did my last school year have to be such an emotional and mental health nightmare?

Yesterday in my quiet time, God answered me.

I came across a note I’d written to myself in an old journal. Yeah, I brought old journals with me to college. Now that I know God’s calling me to be an autoethnographer, I understand why. My own journals and writings are going to be my data source. I wrote that particular entry after some friends and I went on this insane hike across the lava fields of La Perouse in Maui.

For my friends, it was an easy hike, but for me? I was never a hiker to begin with but after my surgeries in 2010 and 2011… it was years before I could do more than walk around in circles in my living room. I’d finally gotten to the point where I could walk three miles on the treadmill at the YMCA. It was shortly after my 49th birthday when I went zip-lining to overcome my fear. I saw the hike as another opportunity to confront fears but this time I wouldn’t be alone.

When my friend suggested this easy hike, I agreed because I figured God knew what he was getting me into.

The hike was beautiful, but it became really clear, really quickly… that I was out of my league. Then we got lost and what should have been a short hike in/out wasn’t. In my own strength, I could not have done that hike. I felt the stirrings of fear and wanted to cry, but there was no other choice but to keep going.

I had to rely on God and my friends in ways I hadn’t expected to in order to finish that hike. And it was through that hike that God showed me lessons about what it meant to trust him unconditionally with my walk with him. He knew where I was, even if I didn’t. He also knew who was with me and had chosen them intentionally.

 

 

 

 

I don’t remember all the details… but I’m never going to forget that hike. It was on that hike that I kept stumbling over rocks and had to humble out and let my friend lead me by the hand in places where I was too unsteady on my own feet. She was SO gracious to me! It was also on that hike where I was so amazed by the beauty of God’s creation that I made us stop where we were and sing worship songs just because.

Oh yeah…. at it was also on that hike where the lava rock ate my shoes. They took a beating… but they held up until the very end of the hike… and all the while a verse about shoes not wearing out kept coming to  mind. I had to look it up when I got home: For all these forty years your clothes didn’t wear out, and your feet didn’t blister or swell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The note that I’d written to myself next to the journal entry said: Read Deuteronomy 8 EVERY TIME you see this!

So… I got my bible and turned to Deuteronomy 8 … and I got the answer to my question: Why my first year in grad school had to be so hard?? The Spirit of the Lord responded:

Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands.

Last year was meant to humble and test me. God needed me to see that I wouldn’t punk out and quit. He needed me to know that I wouldn’t crack under the pressure and commit suicide (as I had feared when I left Maui). He needed me to know that I would press into him no matter how hard it got…. and that I could trust the people he places in my life. If I’m ever tempted to forget… I just have to remember that hike.

And now, after the last school year… I have the memories of all the ways God helped me persevere and overcome by reaching out to other believers. And just as I didn’t know where I was going on that hike, I can take comfort in knowing that the God who walked me through that hike is the same God who walked me through the last school year… and he is the same God who is walking with me now — college in the time of COVID19.

I didn’t get through that hike by myself (although left to my own devices I would never have GONE on that hike in the first place)… and I didn’t get through the last school year by myself. So I can only imagine the twists and turns that this year’s adventure will have, but I will get through it if I keep my eyes on God and remember all that he has done.