If the Postman Knocks Twice…

Have you ever noticed that people will send stuff through email that they wouldn’t be caught DEAD sending if they had to put it in an envelop and attach a stamp to it… followed by a walk to the post office??

A former student sent me porn today. At work.

And before you start thinking that it was a hijack job, I do not think that her email was hacked. She sent it to my work email… which is federal government property. It now looks like I tried to access porn at work.

As if.

Given that I have had a long history of struggling with an addiction to porn, it’s not so far fetched that I might look... it’s just that if I did... I’m not so stupid as to look at it from my work computer. Not sure how to respond. She’s troubled. She’s lesbian. She has mental health issues. This might be her weird way of reaching out…. but if it is, surely she knows that  I don’t swing that way.

Interestingly enough I’m having the bible study in my class tonight. I couldn’t open the email at work so I sent it to my home computer. I thought it was to her blog, so I wasn’t expecting the unpleasant surprise. With such a visual reminder of all of the muck I’ve waded through in my past as a sex addict so fresh in my mind, one might think I’d take myself out of the running for the study tonight. How DARE I try to set myself up as a righteous person after all the things I’ve done, right? Again I say, “AS IF.”

Maybe I might have thought that a few years ago… but I now believe without doubt that it is for people like me, with murky pasts and questionable presents that Jesus came to save. I’m forgiven. I’m not perfect and I never profess to be. If my students are turning out expecting to see two perfect people leading a bible study then they’ll be in the wrong place.

If they come expecting to hear more about a man named Jesus who came to forgive messy people like me... then they will have found what they were looking for. My former student? She’s former because she was kicked out. I didn’t get a chance to share the truth about Jesus with her before she got kicked out. I actually don’t have regrets about that because I’m not an evangelist. I don’t try to convert every person I meet.

I have a passion for reaching people who are struggling in their faith because of mental illness or addiction or whatever dysfunction or spiritual challenge they might be facing. They already know Jesus… they just don’t know how to live for him. I’m hoping a bunch of confused wannabe Christians end up showing up for this study as the weeks and months go by. People who can’t figure out why God didn’t just work some mojo on them when they became believers and magically make their problems go away. I can understand those kind of people. I used to be one of them.

Of course, if the cyber postman brings me another email from this girl… I probably will respond. First, I’ll tell her that I forgive her for sending me inappropriate email. Then I might just tell her enough about my own struggles with purity to let her know that I understand where’s she’s at and that there is a better way. What she does with what I share will be up to her. Remember, I’m not trying to convert her. I actually need to put her and her email out of my mind because tonight my mind needs to be on the study and what I hope Jesus will do through it. Even if only one person shows up and we shine some truth into their ignorance that will be enough for a beginning.

Say Say Say

If you’ve been following my latest series of posts (before all the commercials)… you know I’ve been on a “Say What You Need to Say” kick. Tons of stuff has been pushing my buttons and I think God’s been telling me to communicate for my own good as well as the good of the other person. I think all those years of stuffing my feelings added “crazy” on top of mentally ill.

God gave us emotions and they are meant to be felt and, when appropriate, expressed. But we don’t express them. We bottle them up and think we’re being “good Christians” when nothing could be further from the truth. I know in my own life I’ve put on a mask and tried to act like I was okay… when what I really needed to do was open my mouth and speak up. God’s been telling me to “speak the truth in love” but remaining silent just seemed easier. Now I feel the need to sing like a canary. The only problem is, if I just go running off at the mouth when I’m mad I’m likely to say stuff that should NEVER be said. That’s when I need to speak to the One who counts most.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer. I think praying to Jesus is the first step on the “SWYNTS train.” Before a single word leaves the building, I need to check it with God. With all the stressors that have been pushing my buttons lately, I’ve been doing a lot of prayer. I’ve also been praying a lot with other people. Me — The “Girl in the Plastic Bipolar Bubble” is actually reaching out to even more people to pray about something other than myself. *Gasp*

After praying with somebody the other day I was surprised when the she told me that she struggled with prayer going as far as to actually resisting  it. Since I wake up talking to Jesus and keep up a steady stream of conversation all day long I can’t imagine NOT wanting to talk to him. He’s the only person in the world obligated to love me and listen to everything I say. Jesus reads my blog every day and always has a comment. Why wouldn’t I want to talk to him?? Jesus also knows how I feel all the time. She said that she felt like she was always grumbling and complaining to God. That surprised me too… because many (most) of my prayers to Jesus are loaded with grumbling and complaining. If I can’t unload to him, who should I go to when I’m heavy laden with worry or when the guy in the minivan just cut me off. “Yes, Jesus, I did just call him a @!#??”

I told her my theories on King David, writer of lots of the Psalms. If ever there was a biblical figure who had Bipolar Polar, I put my money on that guy. Many of his psalms start out all depressed and overwhelmed. He might even ask God to smite somebody who was pissing him off… everything looked bleak for a few versus… and the TA DA! He’s all rejoicing in God’s majorly divine goodness… like a ball outta left field or… right field. I don’t play sports, so his joy seemed to come out of whichever field is the really weird one. But his bipolar psalms make my point for me.

David laid it on the line. He didn’t hold anything back  from God whether he was being wronged or in the wrong. He was transparent which, I think, explains in part why he’s called a “man after God’s own heart.” It’s not like he was sinless. If CNN had been around when King David ruled, there would have been a Bill Clintonesque scandal involving a young intern named Bathsheba. David, like me, had issues. He screwed up, made bad choices, and often  got mad at people. When he was down he cried out to the Lord who was faithful to lift him up. God didn’t always make all of David’s problems go away, but he always gave David perspective enough to keep moving forward in faith.

Before I talk to anybody I have to talk to Jesus about that person, the situation, and whatever’s going on in my heart. I have to be transparent because the God who made me is also the God who knows me. If I’m harboring dark thoughts about somebody… he knows it before I do. I know some people think you should never complain to God. I think you should never complain about God. BIG DIFFERENCE. When I complain to God I admit that I’m wrong to complain, but I’m not going to make things worse by denying my feelings. He knows what I feel and forgives me for being such a pessimistic whiner. Once I get all of that garbage out of the way and repent… then I can be still enough to hear him. Complaining about God makes it seem like you can do the job better than he can. The Old Testament has some gnarly stories about what happened when people complained about God. People who think that they’d make a better god than God... and who presume to tell God that he’s wrong are stupid. I might be many things, but I’m not stupid. I learned my lesson about complaining about God.

Another thought I’ve had on prayer?? Some people think that God only speaks King James English and like to pepper their prayers with lots of “Thees” and “Thous” as if Jesus talked like that when he walked the Earth. If that’s how they want to talk to their Father, their friend, their Counselor… to each his own. Me? I’m more informal. That’s not to say that there aren’t times that I offer reverent, almost formal, prayers, because I do… but, in general, I think about how Jesus walked and talked with his 12 disciples. He spent three years with the guys 24/7. You can’t keep up the thee and thou stuff that long.  It had to be very real, present, and personal. That’s how I talk to Jesus — as if he’s real, present, and personal.

So it was with much joy that I had my prayer group tonight. Honestly, I wanted to cancel it. I was exhausted from a busy week and I just wanted to eat my pork chops and rice then go to bed. It was  5:59 and I could barely keep my eyes open. But when the others got here at 6:00 and we were all sitting around my kitchen table, I entered in to a place that only happens when I’m with other people who talk to Jesus like he’s real, present, and personal. My fatigue rolled away like drop of water on a hot skillet. Our prayers bounced off each others as we sought God. It was amazing. It always IS amazing. Now  more than ever I am convinced that the body of Christ needs to take off the masks so that they can pray in spirit and in truth.

Before we speak …before I speak…any truths “in love” to other people, we need… I need… to be speaking the truth to the One who loves us most.  If I could only pray one thing for the people who have been pushing my buttons lately, it would be this, “Help me forgive them as you have forgiven me.”

It’s Off to Work I Go!

I think I hear God saying…

A few posts back God showed me that I was at the starting line raring to go. Tomorrow I go back to work after taking the last month and a half off to recuperate from my surgery. No more feeling like a stalled car. Don’t get me wrong. This season was good. I spent lots of time drawing closer to God and I read most of the New Testament. But I knew going in to it that it was for a limited time. There would be lessons to learn and, if I didn’t waste my time, I might learn something. Well… it was a limited time, but I think I used my time wisely for the most part. I also think that I learned the lessons.

Now, it is time to get back to my regular life. I know that there are going to be challenges since I’m not fully recovered yet… but I am so thankful that this particular season of my life is over that I’m looking forward to navigating these challenges with Jesus. I also know that if I feel overwhelmed or need help that I am not alone. There are so many people in my Christian family who are there for me if only I bother to let them know that I need their help or their prayers. In the past I used to think that it was just “me and Jesus,” now I know better.

The last few days have been busy and I’m wiped out, so bedtime is rapidly approaching. I want to get an early night so that tomorrow I can be ready when God waves the flag and yells, “Go!”

 

Streams in the Desert (A Devotional)

Sometimes the words of other people say more about how I’m feeling than my own… I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the prep that goes into surgery and sick leave for a month. If I were physically able to move faster I could get more stuff done without having to ask anybody for help, but God has a different plan. Before he wants me to ask people for help, he wants me to first come to him. I read this poem online just now on the Streams in the Desert website. It gave me comfort.  At your wit’s end? The way OUT is found by looking UP!

At Wit’s End

“At their wit’s end, they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out” (Ps. 107:27, 28).

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”

Christian, with troubled brow?

Are you thinking of what is before you,

And all you are bearing now?

Does all the world seem against you,

And you in the battle alone?

Remember–at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is just where God’s power is shown.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”

Blinded with wearying pain,

Feeling you cannot endure it,

You cannot bear the strain,

Bruised through the constant suffering,

Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?

Remember–at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?

Your work before you spread,

All lying begun, unfinished,

And pressing on heart and head,

Longing for strength to do it,

Stretching out trembling hands?

Remember–at. “Wit’s End Corner”

The Burden-bearer stands.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?

Then you’re just in the very spot

To learn the wondrous resources

Of Him who faileth not:

No doubt to a brighter pathway

Your footsteps will soon be moved,

But only at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is the “God who is able” proved.

–Antoinette Wilson

Do not get discouraged; it may be the last key in the bunch that opens the door. –Stansifer