If You CAN’T “SWYNTS” – RUN!

Growing up in a large black family I heard lots of colorful idioms that really make me wonder how I understood my family growing up. My mom used to always say that you couldn’t hit so-and-so in the “butt with a red hot apple.” If you can figure out what that one meant, send me a message. Others were less cryptic, but still hard to really wrap your mind around… like how my momma always used to say that I was “running off at the mouth”  whenever I talked too much. To this day, the visual for that is still confusing.

As a young child you couldn’t shut me up… until… well… something did. A combination of somethings effectively silenced me and I went from “running off at the mouth” to talking in a secret code language to my dog, Whiskey. It was just a lot easier not to say anything to anybody in my family when I was upset because tears were a sign of weakness and I was a crier. My dog would listen and nod in all the right places.

Fast forward to now and I’m on a “say what you need to say” kick. Remember the emphasis is on “need” not “want.” If I went back to the mainland and told my family all that I wanted to say… then I really would need to run and it wouldn’t be “off at the mouth.” It’d be for the nearest airport because at least two my sisters would draw straws to see who could kill me first. Fast forward to right now…

Over the years I’ve blogged at length about all the unhealthy ways I’ve handled anger, stress, pain, and bitterness in the in an attempt to become spiritually and mentally healthy. This post isn’t about that. A few posts back I asked the question “What should I do if I can’t “say what I need to say” and suggested that prayer is the best answer. I still believe that because it is.  But it’s not the only answer.

What if the person you need to say something to is dead? Or too young to fully understand all the words pouring from your mouth?? Or worse, old enough to understand and yet doesn’t care?? You’ve told them what you needed to say and they didn’t give a rat’s beady little eye ball. Or  what if you have so much bouncing around in your head that you’re having a hard time sifting through all of it to find the nugget of truth that really needs to see the light of day.

I used to turn to tv when I was stressed about talking to somebody about something sensitive. I can sit and channel surf with the best of them. FOR HOURS. If they made channel surfing an Olympic event, I’d take the gold. I could lose entire days channel surfing to avoid dealing with life. And if I wasn’t channel surfing I was eating. At my heaviest I was 215lbs, but that was in my early days of bipolar meds when my weight ballooned from 138lbs to 215. I could go on listing all the unhealthy things that I’ve done to deal with my stress, but why? There are healthier ways and in these past few weeks I’ve been trying one.

Stress has been choking my neck since I went back to work and I’ve gotten folks to pray for me. I’ve been praying a ton, but still the tense tightness in my chest, neck, and shoulders would not go away. I’ve been grinding my teeth so badly at night it’s amazing that I still have any. Since I’m not depressed, I’d say that my mind is coping with the stress fairly well, but my body isn’t. I’d come home from work tense and full of this nervous angry energy. Not the kind that leads to depression. I wasn’t reaching for the pint of Ben and Jerry’s. And since I don’t even own a tv, channel surfing into oblivion isn’t an option.

Every day that I’ve been physically able I’ve come home, popped in my Jenny Craig walking dvd and I’ve walked a mile and a half. I’ve owned this dvd for probably 4 years and never thought to really use it. I hate exercising with an intense passion.  The only reason I started doing this dvd now is because I needed some kind of physical therapy as I recovered from my surgeries. I tried walking outside, but the forward motion of it pulled my abdominal muscles too much and I hurt. I was surprised the first day that I did the dvd walk because it didn’t hurt. I could only do 10 minutes of the tape… but I felt like I’d done something. Each day I tried to do more until finally I could do the entire 1.5 miles without any pain. I don’t understand why I can do this dvd and still have problems walking around the grocery story, but I’m just happy to find a physical outlet for all this pent up energy. Once I come home from work the tape goes in and as I walk I think about what’s bothering me, but rather than feeling overwhelmed, possible solutions start coming to mind.

I realized one day last week that I have actually come to enjoy these little pt sessions. They make me feel better even though the pain isn’t gone. I’m not getting worse so that has to count for something.

Depressed people tend to isolate themselves and hygiene and exercise are two of the first things to go because who cares when you’re alone, right? Therapists used to tell me to get out an exercise, but I felt like I had a 100lb weight  strapped to my back. I might sign up for a gym membership but the rip myself to shreds when I stopped going. Why would an overweight depressed woman want to be surrounded by skinny women in workout gear?? That’s enough to make you homicidal rather than suicidal. If ONLY I knew then what I know now. That I can put in a dvd in the privacy of my own home and walk at my own pace… and actually like it.

Right now there is still so much that I think that need to say, but God hasn’t given me any clues as to how to say it, when to say it, or if I should even say it all. That is creating some stress in me, but I feel like he’s challenging me with all of this to take me to the “next level” — whatever that is. He’s stretching me and growing me and the pruning is so evident I’m surprised other people don’t see the hatchet marks. I know that in his timing he’s going to tell me what to say and when to say it or he’ll give me the grace to be silent. Right now he’s  telling me not to go “running off at the mouth.” I’m supposed to keep my words behind my lips until he tells me to open them. And since my mouth isn’t doing all the running and my body isn’t able to… I’m going to come home today and pop in the dvd. I’m going to be content with taking care of myself the best way that I know how: being still before God, but walking while I do it.