The Adventures of Bipolar Girl

Comfort for the Neurotic in All of Us

Size Doesn’t Matter…

When I was in high school I participated in competitive oratory. I once gave a speech and brought a crowd of thousands to their feet. Heady moment for a high schooler. When I started blogging back in 2004, my original blog was the top viewed blog on the website at that time. Thousands of people viewed my blog and people actually left comments. Heady moment for a girl who was only used to journaling her thoughts in a diary where only Jesus would see them. Even when I blogged on my first non-Christian site my blog went to number three and my head went to a size 10. Heady stuff for a girl who didn’t know the meaning of humility.

Back then size was EVERYTHING to me. The size of the audience, the size of my readership… it all made me feel like I mattered. If my readership was down I felt like a failure. I still feel that way when I look at the number of views on this blog. Measuring my worth by such fickle externals is dangerous. Many a suicidal episode started out that way.

God, however, measures my worth differently.  It is not the size of the audience or the number of readers… it’s where my heart is and if I’m yielded and obedient to him. Yesterday I was yielded and obedient to him. Even after getting that noxious email from my former student I still put my own agenda aside to focus on God’s: the bible study that I was starting after hours for the students. His will not mine. His will not mine. Once I dealt with my anger I had to deal with my worry. Part of me was worried that nobody would show up and we’d have a repeat of last week. Was this in God’s timing?? Should I bail on the whole bible study idea? I thought it was God’s idea… but what if I was pushing it? If nobody showed up should we call it quits??

When I ended my last post I said something like “if only one person shows up…” yada yada yada…

I meant it at the time, but if only one person had shown up I think I would have been really disappointed. I would have felt like a failure, but I would’ve  persevered.

Shows how well God knows me. There were TWO people at the bible study last night and it was awesome! I’m not a large group person anymore anyway. I find that the discussions in  a small group are much more meaningful and last night’s discussion did not disappoint. One of the kids asked questions that went leagues deeper than we were prepared to go the first  night. The other person there asked for a bible. She will get one by next week. Two people should have made me crazy but it didn’t.  I would rather deal with two sincere people than a crowd of Lookie-Lous.

My “if only one person shows up” statement didn’t get tested last night, but God was still making a point. Size DOES NOT matter. If I’m yielded to him he’s going to use that obedience towards his own ends. And his ends were WAY better than my own. By the time the study had finished I wasn’t mad about the porn. I wasn’t even mad at my student. I also wasn’t  mad that all the people who said that they were coming didn’t show up. The people Jesus meant to attend were there and it was great. I can’t wait until next week. And even if the worst case scenario happens (more than two people show up) I’m absolutely positive that God will give me the grace needed to handle it.


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12 thoughts on “Size Doesn’t Matter…

  1. I was having a moment of blog envy today.
    I write what I feel the Lord tells me to, and it is up to him to bring the right people. Strangely my biggest audience lately, has been Russian. Go figure, as long as God is doing a work.

    I enjoyed reading this one. Wish I had a consistent schedule, because I would love to teach a bible study.


  2. Sounds like you had a GREAT Bible Study! I am so glad for you. God DOES use all things for His Glory! God bless you and the study!!!


  3. Hi I’m so glad you have resolved your feelings toward your ‘ex- student’ and that you feel comfortable in whatever size your Bible Study becomes.


  4. “Blogging envy?” That’s HYSTERICAL!

    My schedule’s consistent, but I’m not teaching the study. Since I have these kids all day long I thought it best to bring in my own version of a “designated hitter.” I got a guy from my church to do it so they aren’t getting more input from their teacher. One of these days I, too, would actually like to lead a real bible study. Not a book study, not a small group… a real study where people actually open up the bible, read it, and study what it says. Oops… I guess I’ve got “bible study” envy. Is that wrong?? 😉


  5. Hey KGG!

    It was a great study. I was surprised at just how much the young guy knew and just how little the girl did. When the leader said to turn to Luke she had no idea what that was. Plus English is her second language so it was really hard for her to keep up using a different translation. Pray that next time we all have the same version of the bible and it’s one that she can understand.


  6. I told my boss about the email so I don’t have Uncle Sam wondering why I was watching porn on my computer. I really do think the student will not email again, but if she does, I’m not mad at her anymore. And as for the size of the group… I thought about how many students I’d be comfortable with and I realized that six is probably the most I’d feel competent with because I’ve never been a co-leader of a youth bible study before. I have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing. Smaller actually IS better.


  7. Having said “smaller is better” watch out, you may get a surprise! I know what you mean though. (Diane)


  8. writerwannabe763 :

    Having said “smaller is better” watch out, you may get a surprise! I know what you mean though. (Diane)

    Lol…Now that you said that, I don’t even know for sure what I meant!


  9. You made me laugh. I needed that.

    I sometimes wonder if I am bipolar. I just had two of my worst days. At least I did not totally lose it. Seriously, I can hear myself saying, “you can do this, just keep breathing.”

    God really is good, and this has become so real to me. His mercy endures forever. He endures me and my downside.

    Thanks again for your input. I think you are precious


  10. Remso…you can do it and are doing it. There are more of us in this world that have had difficulties emotionally than we may sometimes realize.

    I too, while not bipolar (at least I was never told that I was) suffered off and on for most of my life at different times…from depression.

    I call it ‘the darkness’ of which I have spoken, as to me that’s what it was..devoid of the light. Being a Christian sometimes made me feel worse, because I wanted to be strong for God.

    I eventually crawled…not ran… out of that state of being. You perhaps are just feeling down temporarily and not as I was…long term.

    But God was and is faithful and I am enjoying life and thank Him for bringing me back into the light.

    I hope and pray you will feel better.


  11. Ozzie,

    You’re so good for my non-ego ego. 🙂

    Ever read the second part of my blog title?? “Comfort for the neurotic in all of us”… kinda covers everybody even if they aren’t bipolar. 😉 Isn’t it great that God loves mental cases and neurotic people alike?? Sorry to hear that you’ve had some bad days of late, but you seem like your rebound really quickly. Even if you do “lose it” you already know that God’s faithful to be there to help you find it. WWB has some great encouraging words for you. I agree with her. Keep looking up.


  12. WWB,

    Thank you for trying to encourage Ozzie. Words of wisdom those. 🙂


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