Before I Got Angry: Love According to Bipolar Girl
Before I went on that tangent that anger created I was actually thinking a lot about love.
The “L” word has popped up again to bite me on the butt like a big old angry dog. Just when I’d isolated myself from enough people to make breathing easier, God had to go and bring this subject up again. What do I know about love?? U think it’s pretty clear that Bipolar Girl is NOT the poster child for warm fuzzy “love the world/hug a tree” Christianity.
Trying to love other people generally backfires and I end up hiding out in the Bipolar Cave licking my mental scars. The anger explosion this past week was a bi-product of me trying to reach out to a kid that didn’t want to be reached. My reaction to his obstinance and pride was what ignited my anger. It got so mad at him I wanted to just back off from people altogether. Oddly enough, I was most mad at God. It was his idea that I reach out to this kid in the first place. Why does he send such difficult people my way?? He knows what I’m like.
When will I learn that getting mad at God doesn’t really accomplish much? Getting mad at God cuts off my ability to love others. After all, the greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength… right?
My church is doing a book study on love. I’m not going to buy the book. I don’t like book studies. If I wanted to read a book I’d join a book club. Call me crazy, but I think if you’re going to have a bible study… you should actually be studying the Bible and not focusing on what some big name author has to say about the bible. I did commit to attend three weeks of a small group study though. Somebody specifically asked me to attend and I didn’t want to miss out on something that God might want to do, so I committed to three weeks. Long enough for me to suss things out, but not long enough for it to drive me crazy.
All this talk about love ( they’re using 40 Days of Love for the study)… made me think about a post that I’d written years ago. It isn’t lost on me that I’m not the world’s most loving person. I hate that I cannot loosen up around people enough to actually be warm and loving to them. It’s something I’ve prayed to God about it ad nauseum over the years and I still haven’t sprouted any warm fuzzies. God did show me something a few years back, however, that I will never forget. He showed me where love really starts.
I’m debating about whether to share that post or not. I haven’t fully learned the lesson and I’m definitely not walking in it. If I were… I’d spend more time loving people and less time angry at them. I feel like a hypocrite talking about what love is. My last relationship was a train wreck of epic proportions. My family does not love me. My own mother doesn’t even talk to me. It has become easier to hide from people than to love them. My life is a cautionary tale – Love: What not to do.
Yet, maybe the whole point of revisiting the post isn’t to hold it up and say, “Look at me and how loving I am!” Maybe the whole point is to just look at it, acknowledge how short I fall, and then be still and let God work in me. He wants me to love people more than I want me to love people. He knows that loving them starts with loving him.
Ok... having said that, I guess I will share the post as part II to this one…
Love According to Bipolar Girl: What IS Love??
- Deja Vu: Hypocrisy and Bipolar (theadventuresofbipolargirl.wordpress.com)