Jesus Doesn’t Live in Who-ville

One of the most draining aspects of Bipolar
is the tremendous amount of self-control
that you have to exert on a daily basis
to present “normal.”
By the time I get home I’m
generally exhausted
because “normal”
isn’t cheap.

I strive to keep the look
on my face
at neutral
because what I’m generally feeling
is anything but.

When I’m screaming inside
and wanting to throw things?
The world sees neutral.
When I am so angry
my spleen is about to rupture?
The world sees neutral.
Shades of gray
are better than
violent streaks of red.

Today I was livid.
But all anyone say was “neutral.”
Christmas is not my season.
Lots of reasons why…
and since their mine
I dub them “valid.”
Besides, I’m one of those
Christians who doesn’t believe
that Jesus was even actually born
at this time of year…
so falalalala that.

I thought I’d de-grinchify myself
by getting into the “holiday spirit”
I decorated my classroom.
I even braved Costco on Saturday
because I planned to have class parties
for my students.
I stayed up late baking stupid cupcakes.
I woke up late feeling like a zombie…
but I actually had a good day
until my last class.
I inherited this class
from another teacher…
and haven’t really bonded with them.
I thought today would help.
Serves me right for “thoughting.”
They grumbled and complained.
They broke several class and school rules.
They sucked down all the food in seconds
and trashed my room leaving me to clean it up.
Only one student stayed behind to help clean up the mess.
And only one of them bothered to say “thank you” or “goodbye.”

When my feelings are hurt I get angry.
I don’t cry. I hate when people see me cry
so I don’t.
I was angry at them for not even caring about the fact
that I wanted to do something nice for them or
that I had failed at it because I couldn’t
get through one final friggin’ Christmas party
without being mad.
WWJD?
Certainly not what I did
that’s for sure.
I know, in the scope of things, this is minor.
That’s one reason I disabled comments.
I don’t need snarky strangers telling
me what a whiner I am.
I know I’m a whiner.
But it still doesn’t mean
that my feelings aren’t
hurt.
And today was only round one.
I didn’t have all of my students today.
I get the other half tomorrow.
So here I am again, baking cookies
and cupcakes… and preparing all the other food…
Because despite the neutral mask
that I’m gonna’ cram
on my face tomorrow…
I do care.