Day 2: The Best Laid Plans…
One of my favorite all time quotes is, “Nobody plans to fail. They just fail to plan.” So many of my past failures in life (and there have been many) can generally be traced back to a lack of planning on my part. I step out on some grand venture and neglect to count the cost or chart the course and the end result is decidedly less that what I’d hoped for. Scripture says that “plans fail for the lack of counsel,” so even when I make plans… if I don’t run them past an objective third, fourth, or fifth party, I may still end up with a failure on my hands. SO I made it a point to get counsel before embarking on this plan to discontinue lithium. This is one area where failure is not an option. My doctor’s warning is still present in my mind, but not dominating it. Yes, I know that this COULD trigger a manic episode and I COULD end up in the hospital or worse… or I COULD be totally fine and happier than I’ve ever been because the bone pain (along with all the other lithium related problems) has finally gone away.
If I stick to The Plan, I should be completely lithium free the last week of December. I’ve chosen to chart this journey in my blog because if I do become manic, it’ll show up in my writing. One big concern is that the lack of sleep will trigger mania. If I’m up blogging at one o’clock in the morning on a consistent basis, that’s a red flag. If I start posting multiple times in a day and my moods seem all over the map — that’s another red flag. I may not know that I am manic.… so I’ve made blogging a part of the plan. Actually, the whole plan revolves around accountability. Before medication I didn’t involve a lot of people in my struggles because I was an emotional black hole — I would suck people in and they’d have no idea what happened. I’d drain people emotionally and they’d run from me which only depressed me more. Over the years I learned to be cautious about who I included in my adventure. When I used to blog anonymously I would pour out every mentally challenged detail and I had a following like a telanovella. People flocked to my blog like rubberneckers at the scene of a car crash. Each post was like a train wreck waiting to happen and inquiring minds wanted to know.
In the last several years I’ve become a lot more reclusive about my blogging. There are some months where I haven’t even blogged because I didn’t want people to have a glimpse into the private hell that was my life. Back in the day, I needed an outlet and blogging was the drug of choice. So I guess it’s no surprise that I should turn to blogging as I seek to discontinue the lithium. Am I trading one “drug” for another? Honestly? I don’t care. If sharing the continents of my mind during this stretch of the adventure will keep me safe… then I might as well start at the beginning: THE PLAN.
After getting prayer and counsel I devised a “5 Point Plan” to keep me safe. I’m a teacher and I’m anal… so it’s really detailed and it’s really organized. I ran the first draft past some trusted friends and my therapist. I hadn’t planned on sharing it here… but why the heck not? It’s too long to put it in one posts, so I’ll dissect the first part of it here. *Disclaimer: I am not advocating that other people with Bipolar should go off their meds or that my plan is prescriptive. This is what I have chosen to do and I’m sharing it as my experience, not as a a “DIY” drug detox.
Lithium Discontinuation Plan
This five point plan is designed to insure maximum safety and accountability as I discontinue using the drug Lithium. The purpose of this plan is to make sure that I have enough embedded safeguards so that the transition off the meds goes with minimal incident. I have edited the plan leaving out names and identifying information, but you will get the general idea of what this journey looks like.
I. Accountability: I need to maintain a network of support with people who will hold me accountable should my behavior change or I become manic. Those people are as follows:
A. My boss: He sees me daily and can ask students if they see changes in my behavior. He said that he believes that I am very self-aware and proactive. He shared the cautionary tale of a friend’s dad who went of lithium and committed suicide. He urged me to be cautious.
B. My mentor: I will check in with her once a week via phone for 15 minutes from now through December. She is my emergency contact and has had prior authority to make medical decisions for me.
C. “Susan:” Prayer supporter. I see her every Sunday at church and I can email her. She follows my blog.
D. Prayer Support: Five of my oldest and dearest friends.
E. Blog: Once I actually start decreasing the meds I will blog every day. If I start to get weird, it will show up in my writing.
F. “Helen:” She is a student in my Bible Study and she is in my class. She will pray for me and tell me if she sees changes in my behavior. (My students are all young adults. No children will be impacted by this plan)
G. Dr. G: My therapist. Bi-weekly email
H. Dr. S: Document any physical problems and changes.
I. Head Nurse on Campus: Keep her in the loop in case I have any episodes at work.
This whole things is very “It takes a village,” which is SO not my style, but suffering in silence has never really gotten me anywhere. Neither has isolation… so it’s time to try something different. I have spoken with or contacted all of the relevant parties listed above and they are all on board to support me in this. Is it overkill? Maybe, but after seeking prayer and counsel… and after praying myself, this is what I felt led to do. I already feel safe and supported. Knowing that all of these people are standing by me and walking through this with me has taken a lot of the anxiety out of the equation. I was afraid when the first doctor told me I needed to go off the lithium. When the next few doctors concurred I was nervous… anxious even. Now? I’m not. I believe God is going to do something major in my life. I’m ready. I’m excited. Today is Day 2.
Comfort for the Neurotic in ALL of Us: 