Bipolar and the Aftermath of the Fast…
Ever since the 21 days of prayer and fasting with my church, I’ve been in a period of deep reflection on just how far God has brought me and what I’ve learned about him along the way. I started looking back over things I’d written and came across this gem. It seemed particularly relevant, though I wrote it over a decade ago:
Post: When Dreams and Fear Diverge
Date: January 2, 2006
When Dreams and Fear Diverge
***My mind is racing. I’m stressing out. I need to slow down. I need to slow my thoughts down. I’m at an impasse. I still dream of meeting that person who will love me and understand me without trying to “fix” me… but because of so many past mistakes, I’m afraid. The last break up has reawakened fear of being alone for the rest of my life… so my thoughts are racing. That’s what happens when dreams and fears walk together holding hands. I get impatient and I want to run ahead of God’s timing because it doesn’t match my own. I rush in trying to make things happen and I end up getting caught in the inevitable blast. When will I learn NOT to rush God’s timing? When will I learn that just because I think something should happen doesn’t mean it’s God’s plan for me???
I need patience. My dreams want to take me in one direction and my fears want to herd me into another. I need to wait upon the Lord. I need to trust that he knows EXACTLY where I am and exactly what I’m facing. I need to be still. Writing poetry does that for me:
I can only breathe one breath at a time.
I can only think one thought at a time.
My heart can only beat, one beat at a time.
When I walk, I can only move one foot at a time.
When I eat, I can only take one bite at a time.
When will I look at the basics of my life and learn…
that trying to rush through my life accomplishes nothing?
When will I truly understand that as I try to live my life
I can only live one second at a time…
one minute at a time…
one lifetime at a time…?
I see.
I hear.
I believe.
But when will I learn?
Comfort for the Neurotic in ALL of Us: 