Bipolar and Narcissism
Lately, God’s been holding up a mirror so I could see myself. He’s revealed some things in me that aren’t pretty… but I’m glad because “you can’t overcome that which you are willing to tolerate.” I don’t know where I heard that, but it’s true.
Yesterday God confirmed that I’m an impatient narcissist whose talents will take me places my character can’t support. Woah. That’s heavy… but it’s also a dangerous place to be. Saul had talents his character could not sustain. God’s been showing me this for a while now, years even… but I couldn’t hear it so clearly as I did yesterday.
THAT’S why he’s been telling me to wait. THAT’S why he’s been having me come alongside other people to support them in their adventures. People have always been there for me. Now it’s time for me to give back to them… only thing is, I haven’t been handling all this altruism well.
Fear has been telling me that if I put my own plans on hold to help all these other people, that I’m going to miss important deadlines and not be able to move on to “whatever comes next” for me. Fear has been telling me that if I get stuck where I am, life will not be worth living. In my fear-driven impatience, I’ve gotten bitter and resentful. I’ve grumbled to God, “If I’m so busy helping all these OTHER PEOPLE, who’s going to help me?”
I have been on an emotional roller coaster, but not because I’m under spiritual attack. Oh, there has been some of that, but Satan is opportunistic. He just prowls around like a roaring lion… waiting. He sees when God starts pruning and refining me… and he waits until that moment when I feel like I can’t take it any more to whisper, “God’s not being fair.” Or that he’s “sleeping at the back of the boat.” Or that he doesn’t care that I’m working my ass off for other people and might somehow miss my destiny. Rather than look for a demon behind every bush or rebuke everything that moves, God’s been telling me to magnify Him — to elevate HIM above my problems.
He’s been telling me to read the book of John so that I might know how he really acts because true worship is rooted in the truth of who He says He is. Too often I try to make God fit my image of him, rather let Him remake me into His image. The truth is that I cannot overcome what I am willing to tolerate, so God holds up a mirror and let’s me see the stuff that other people can’t see because they’re not omniscient. They want to start rebuking stuff without realizing that my circumstances are heating up because God wants me to be an overcomer.
God sees all the dross in me that needs to be drawn to the surface if I am to be made in the image of Christ. So, as God continued to turn up the Refiner’s Fire this week, he showed me that I had been overlooking the obvious: He is going to help me. He has works that HE has prepared for me in advance that have nothing to do with MY timing and everything to do with HIS.
Now, some might say that I am being “too hard on myself” and that God doesn’t think these things about me… but I worship the God of Jacob who was a ratbag if ever there was a ratbag. There is great comfort in knowing that God knows what I’m really like and isn’t content to let me stay that way.
I listened to a message yesterday where somebody described Jacob as “Shady McShady,” and yet he’s listed right up there with Abraham and Isaac. So when I say that I am a ratbag… I’m not being too hard on myself. I’m confessing and repenting. God calls us to confess and repent. It’s the only way to enter the narrow gate that leads to forgiveness and the healing of our lands… and I want my land to be healed so that I can move out of this liminal space into whatever God has for me.
And the omniscient God that I know and love… the one that I read about in scripture who knows everything that I have ever done or will ever do, hears my confessions and forgives me. The only way seeing myself for who I really am becomes a bad thing is if I leave God out of the picture and wallow in my wretchedness. For once, I’m not doing that. I’m submitting to the refining, but also asking people to pray.
Many people have told me that I am gifted. That I’m “anointed”…that I’m going to do “great things for God.” That may be true… but I’m not there yet. Yes, I have many talents for which I daily thank God. But God, in his omniscience, shows me that I still do not have the character to sustain them… yet. So as the pruning and refining continues… I will trust my calling and my character to God.
Comfort for the Neurotic in ALL of Us: 