Pacing at 1:45 am was not exactly what I had on my personal agenda…
…many are the plans of a man’s heart, but the Lord determines his steps.
Evidently, God wanted my steps to be in the dark. When I woke up my hand hurt. It was swollen when I went to sleep and ice hadn’t helped. My new doctor wants to do some x-rays to see if I have osteoporosis since the vitaminosis A and the hypercalcemia don’t seem the be the cause of the bone pain and weakness that just seems to be getting worse. All my joints are hurting and there are times when I can barely move my fingers. I hurt my hand yesterday doing something that shouldn’t have injured my hand, but it did. Nothing helped the swelling and the Tylenol didn’t help the pain.
So when I rolled over on it in the night, the pain woke me up. Then the fact that I could literally feel my heart beating in my chest, heavy and insistent convinced me to get out my bed to “prace.” I cannot kneel because of the pain, so when I’m worried about something I walk in a big circle in my living room pracing (praying + pacing). Yes, I’m worrying, but God knows I’m doing it anyway… so why not be real, at least with him. I praced about all the stuff that’s got my knickers in a bunch and then I praced for other people’s needs. Then I almost ran into a chair because I was so sleep deprived.There I was in the dark going around and around in my living room. I could not do this if I had a roommate. I’d just have to wallow in my stress. As I prayed, I knew the next step. I felt like I should take a nitroglycerine pill for the chest pains and stop worrying about having a heart attack. I felt like I should wrap my hand in an ace bandage that I was able to locate in the dark and then I tried to sleep. I didn’t have a plan for how to deal with the latest wrinkle: I might get evicted, but I didn’t need to have a plan for that at 1:45 in the morning. The landlord just evicted another tenant and the wind seems to be blowing in this direction, but who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
I love my home. It has been a safe place for me to just be still and be me. Yes, my landlord has been the source of drama since day one… but I knew this. The man’s a a rat bag. I even got a bunch of friends to come over to do a blessing over my home when I first moved in. And I have been well and truly blessed here. I know it was the prayer that has protected me from some of the more bizarre things that my landlord has done to other tenants. I have been oblivious in my own little bubble safe to work out my many physical and mental health issues. I have come a LONG way in the past three years here. But I knew I couldn’t stay here indefinitely. God made that clear a long while ago. This place was to be temporary and I shouldn’t hold on too tightly. Guess I was holding on a might tight.
I didn’t realize it this morning at 1:45, but I was laying the prayer foundation for a plan. I just knew when I finally got out of bed that I needed to talk to my boss and keep him in the loop. He told me to do whatever I needed to do to stay healthy. He encouraged me to take time off when and if I needed it. He reaffirmed why I needed to have “reasonable accommodations” at work because of my disability.
And I left his office able to do my job.
In the past, with this much stress and this little sleep, a meltdown would have been inevitable. I was on edge before I talked to him. I felt better afterwards. Then I ran into two girls from the bible study. I asked them if they would pray for me. One asked me if she could pray in her language and I said, “Sure.” Micronesian dialects sounds like speaking in tongues to me. Personally, that’s what I think all tongues are: speaking in languages that are actually known on earth, just not known to the speaker. (Read Acts and see if that doesn’t make sense).
I had a GOOD day today. My hand hurt like a bitch, but then God knew that that’s what I was thinking every time I hit it on something. There were no meltdowns in Mudville. I put one foot in front of the other and followed the course that God had laid out for me. I cannot control if I get evicted. I’ve actually accepted that it’s time to go. My home cannot be in a location. My home is where God wants me and the cloud is leaving. It would behoove me to follow. When I got home I searched craigslist which only served to freak me out. The housing market on Maui sucks right now. If I’m not careful, I could end up homeless. Possible, but not likely. When the depression clouds started to roll in I knew it was time to stop. I could search again tomorrow. I might also want to search in the morning before going to work so I’m not stressing myself out at days end.
Once I settled down, I had the urge to start packing. That’s how I know it time to go. I’ve experienced this urge many times throughout the years. My mind would not stop planning, so I started throwing out stuff I don’t use and won’t ever use. I started my Salvation Army box. I started mentally packing and down sizing because when God says, “Go,” I don’t want a bunch of possessions weighing me down. I travel lightly through life. I always have. I’ve moved around so much I’ve lost count of where I’ve laid my head. Only this time I won’t be in crisis and I will be mentally stable.
Going without knowing…?? The bible is full of stories where God tells people to “go” but he doesn’t tell them where. I’ve lived through stories like this. Can’t say I actually like it, but I’ve never been forced to live on the street. God WILL guide my steps. God WILL make a way for me. He always has. As I wind down and get ready to go to bed, I hope that my mind is still enough to actually sleep. I pray that the pain in mmy hand won’t wake me and that I won’t feel the urge to prace. Sure, it’s the best way for me to cope with my stress in the night, but I’d rather be sleeping. Tonight? I hope that God determines that my feet should stay in bed.