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It’s Just Another Manic Monday (through Friday)

May 9, 2015 Comments off

After my last post I fell into an emotional black hole… you know how it is. I got sucked into the darkness and then had no idea where I was. My health took a turn for the worst (as if being mentally challenged wasn’t enough) and I wondered when God was going to cause any of it to stop. Add that to the stress of that unresolved conflict with my co-work and you set that stage for my suicidal thoughts to return.

I would like to note that I am not suicidal but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from overwhelming my head.

I do not want to die.

I never have — even the times that actually I tried I didn’t want to die. I just want my world to stop spinning out of control. And as much as I love God, I have to be honest about my walk with him. Rarely has God just swooped in and “delivered me.” Generally, I have had to take the slow walk through that “valley of the shadow of death” until God eventually leads me through to the other side. As I’m walking, my thoughts tell me that surely, death would be a quicker way. I spend days… weeks… months fighting with myself for my life can be overpowering.

I know in the midst of the struggle that God loves me… that he is with me… that he will never leave or forsake me, but that never makes the long dark walk any less scary. And people always assume that I’m not trusting God enough, but they have no idea what trust looks like when you wear my shoes. I wish I could be “Super Christian” for them — able to recite the four spiritual laws in single breath; able to witness and convert ten people in the blink of the eye; and who never ever ever complains about the current trial in the never ending series of trials that God keeps sending my way. Unfortunately, my first response is fear. My second respond is anger quickly followed by my third response: self-pity. It is a GOOD thing that God made it a point to put a one liner in the book of Jude: Have mercy on those who doubt… because it’s easy to condemn those who don’t bear up well under suffering.

I love God, but I’d be lying if I didn’t doubt the circumstance he continually dumps me in. Isn’t there any other way at all for me to learn these particular lessons? And how come I never really seem to become a better person as a result of said trails? I’ve stopped asking people these questions because they can’t fix anything and my depressions  only worry them. So, through it all I keep talking to God… because not only does he KNOW what I’m thinking and feeling… but he’s not going to judge me because of it. He will have mercy on me who doubts. He will have so much mercy on me that it will eventually overflow into my thoughts. I will eventually stop berating myself  and will be still enough to listen.

I ended up communicating with that coworker, but it took three weeks of stressing about it. I’d pretty much been avoiding her until God reminded me that I needed to “speak the truth in love.” We had a good talk. She apologized. I still don’t think she really understood me… but few people do. The air is clear and that’s all that matters. That Friday I went home early because I was in a lot of pain. My pain level has been really high. I keep waiting for my kidneys to rupture. I never did go off island for those tests my doctor wanted. I can’t afford the co-pay and refuse to have anymore surgery, so it seems moot to me. If my kidney does explode, I will have nobody to blame but myself.

The pain is pretty bad and my stress at work is really high, but I’m fairly functional for the most part. Yesterday, however, I was on a different assignment at work and I started to have a meltdown. I started crying and rushed to the bathroom before the meltdown went full fledged. But even with this much crap hitting the fan, I see God. Even with all of the stress and pain of yesterday, his hand on me was so evidently that I’d have to be an idiot to miss it.

And now I’m home alone. It’s Saturday and I’m safe. I feel so Bipolar during the week. All my buttons get pushed continually and I register everything. All I register right now is the wind in the palm trees and a cool breeze through my door. I don’t have to deal with any of the circumstances, people, or things that are triggering me once I come home and shut the door. My little cottage is a place of refuge given to me by my God because he knows I need it. I still wonder when these trials will go away but this place gives me peace. Friday is over and Monday hasn’t hit yet. But at least for this weekend… all is quiet and I feel peaceful and safe. Now if God would just help me feel that way every other day… life would take on a whole different flavor.

Categories: Uncategorized

Coney Island Crazy

March 31, 2015 Comments off

Two days ago people got
trapped on a rollercoaster
on Coney Island.
The had to walk off.
To that I say, “Hell
to the double no!”

When I read that I blanched.

I hate roller coasters
and there’s not enough
money in the world to
pay me to walk off of one.
The last one I road was
nearly a decade ago
and I swore it would be
my last.

Today I was on an
emotional
roller coaster.
But then that’s the norm
with Bipolar.
I should be used to it by now
And, unfortunately, I can’t
just get out and walk off it.
I’m strapped in for life
and I never know when the
wild ride is going to start.

Today a co-worker was trying
to pressure me into doing
something that I am not
emotionally or mentally
capable of doing.
I tried before
and it was an epic
nightmare that triggered
a depression that I had
trouble pulling out of
for months.
My life was a
waking nightmare
for months
and I’m in no rush to
return to that.

I tried telling her this.
She didn’t want to hear it.
I tried to get her to understand.
She doesn’t have a mental illness…
There is no way that she will ever
truly understand.
Praise God she has no control
over me or my job.
The roller coaster does have
that parachute, but I didn’t see
it until just now.

At work, I could feel myself
losing control
as I talked to her.
In the end, I told her that I
was not on board with it;
that I would never be on board
with it;
but she had to do what
she felt she had to do.
And then I turned around and left.

Her decision is going to cost me
if the higher ups go for it.
And when things start to unravel again,
she will not be there to help
pick up my  pieces.

Her plan will have no impact on her.
She will not have to implement it.
I will.

And as the roller coaster wheels
start to climb the steep emotional hill
I will do what I always do on
roller coasters:
I close my eyes;
grit my teeth;
and try not to cry
or wet my pants.
I’ll try to breath
and pray for it to be over
soon.

Our relationship changed today.
As my internal roller coaster raged
out of control
she didn’t care.
She has an agenda
and I’m not on it.
My friend would’ve cared.

Getting through the rest
of the day was hard.
My emotions were all over the place.
My students had to walk on eggshells.
By the end of the day I was struggling
to hold back the tears that I’d fought
hard to keep her from seeing.
In my last meeting of the day the
tears threatened to gush forward
and I had to wrestle for every
ounce of control that I could muster.
I prayed and the tears receded.

I hate roller coasters.
I hate what she did to me today.
I hate emotional days
like this that erupt
because people don’t
respect my boundaries
or are too blind to hear my
“No.”

What I don’t hate
is her.
I’m mad
at her,
but I won’t give
way to hating.

Besides, my
roller coaster
will eventually
slow down
and God will
show me how to
deal.

Until then, however,
I will do what I always
do on the emotional
roller coasters:
close my eyes
take a bunch of deep
breaths
and pray.

 

 

 

**(Ever notice how my short blogs look like roller coasters
if you look at them sideways? Now you know why)

Yes, Bipolar Girl, I AM Here

March 29, 2015 Comments off

I would love to say
that I had some amazing
revelation this weekend…
that God had spoken to me
from a burning bush
or on some long stretch
of road.
Anything to offer comfort…
or to get closure…
for what happened last week.

Yeah, I’d love to say that
God spoke to me…

but I’d be lying
so I’ll stick to what I did get:
A complete acceptance
of the fact
that horrible things
happen in the world
and it is mine to accept
rather than to always understand.

Why does God allow evil
into the world?
Smarter people,
more spiritual people than
I have tried to suss that
one out
and have come up with
responses that ranged from
weighty
to Christianesy.

Rather than focus on “why”
evil happens…
I now accept the fact that it does
also accepting that the
presence of evil in the world
does not negate the presence
of God in this world
that can (all too often) seem
godless.

I AM.
He called himself
the perpetual AM.
God doesn’t cease to be
because evil seems to triumph.
If I focus on the evil I lose.
No, I must strive to remember
that I AM is in control.
Even when it seems like he isn’t.

My students were talking about
Good Friday because we get the
day off.
Most of them had no idea what
it was so I told them.
One of them couldn’t fathom
WHY it was called “Good Friday”
once he found out what it was.
To him it seemed like “Bad Friday.”

I tried explaining what made
something so horribly bad
good.

I do not like what
happened at work
last week.
There seems to be nothing
but evil surrounding it.
It is going to bother me for
some time
but I know that I AM is with
me even more so as I grapple
with accepting that evil is in the world.

And while I didn’t get some big
revelation this weekend…
I am left with a word
to help me know
that no matter what happens,
i am not alone.
I AM is with me:

“Yea though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil for thou art with me.”

Categories: Faith, God Tags: , ,

Are You There God? It’s Me, Bipolar Girl

March 27, 2015 Comments off

something horrible happened
at work yesterday…
but because of where
i work
i can’t talk about it.

confidentiality is a bitch.

nobody was talking
about it today
which only made
me feel a little bit
more crazy.
did I imagine it all?
not bloody likely.
so what gives?

i mean
aren’t people
bothered?
doesn’t anbody
care?

it all felt so surreal.
today went on
as today
always does.
people laughed,
joked…
did what people…
usually do.
and it just felt weird.

Me?
i went home.
the only downside
to living alone
is that I don’t have
anybody to talk to
in todays like this.
all these thoughts…
all these questions…

I emailed a friend
and told her.
she doesn’t live
in the state…
so who’s she gonna tell?
then after she responded
i was still.
she prayed in her email
actually told me to stop
doing anything and read her prayer.

Now, it’s just me
how alone on
a Friday night
with all my questions
and thoughts…
only now I realize
that I can take them
to the One who knows completely,
sees completely, and cares completely.
He hears me
and not matter how
weirded out I feel.
I know I’m going to be okay.

I’m Walking on Sunshine

March 25, 2015 Comments off

I’m exhausted
and it’s only 6pm
on a Tuesday.
All this walking that
I get to do now
tires me out.

:)

I got to play Upwords
with some students
in my last class.
It was cutthroat.
Just the way I like it.
One student is Palauan
and was ecstatic about putting
that down as one of his words
and just crushed to find out
he couldn’t use proper nouns.

On the way home from work
a pain started to take hold of my
right side.
It was deep and intense.
Of course, the residual fears of
Kidney stones started to settle in.
The pain intensified as I drove.

I see it as a wake up call.
Now that I can walk
I can’t just sit on my butt
eating as I sit and watch videos
on my laptop.
The heavier I get the more
things seem to hurt.

I’ve been afraid of working out
because I always seem to end up
in pain for days afterwards.
Today I felt like I had to work out
even thought I already hurt like all get out

One mile walk with a dvd.
I did it and the pain didn’t get worse.
The plan is to get up tomorrow
and do it before work.
I’m about 30 lbs overweight.
I don’t know if I’ve moved past the
point where you merely contemplate
losing weight to actually trying to lose it,
but something tells me that if I don’t get to that
point soon…

I’m going to end up like my sister, Lisa.
she died from complications related to diabetes.
she wasn’t overweight but she didn’t take care of
herself. She ended up having limbs amputated because
she got gangrene.

or worse, end up like my mom
who also died from diabetes.
She had both legs amputated
and a veritable ABC of weight related
diseases when she died.

If I’m “wonderfully and fearfully made”
it’s not God’s fault if I put too much sugar
in the gas tank.
I feel bad right now because I
neglect to take care of myself.
This has to change.

Let’s see if I’m singing a
different tune tomorrow morning
at 4:30 when I’m supposed to wake
up and walk.

 

 

LMT

March 22, 2015 Comments off

Yesterday I had my last appointment with my LMT. I am not fully healed, but I’ve come so far that I’ve got no complaints. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all that God did through her. I’m not sure why, but when I got home I started reading an old journal… one of the ones that I wrote when my life was a total train wreck. I was a “hot mess” before they coined the term. That’s one reason I’m glad I journal. That journal is the only record of where I’ve been because when you live your life in constant crisis… the details along with the weeks and months and years begin to run and bleed together in a really gnarly way. The gaps in my memory seem to be getting larger and I can’t stop it, so if I want to retain my memories I either need to journal or blog.

There are some things I remember but wish I could forget and there are many other things that I wish I could remember that are totally lost to me. I think God has given me this stillness so I can stop running from the sound in my head and just be still and let him be God. I started to say, “voices in my head” but decided against it. I would have been going for “artistic,” but people would have read it as “schizophrenic” and I’ve already got enough baggage. The white noise has settled to a dull hum and I can look at where I am with a hope for the future rather than an abject dread.  And what is all this stillness telling me?

I’m ready to be healthy.

Sounds like a weird statement, but I honestly believe that I needed to get to a place where I could receive healing before Jesus would heal me. Which makes me think of those times in Scripture where Jesus couldn’t heal anybody in this one town because of their lack of belief or that guy at the pools who kept making excuses for why he couldn’t get healed. He sat by the healing waters every day and yet never even got a pinky toe wet. Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed. I used to think that was callous, but since Jesus would never be callous, I realized long ago that he meant something else that I could apply to my own life.

When I was finally done making excuses or wallowing in unbelief, I was willing to go an   unconventional route to healing. Like that guy who was expecting a miraculous healing from Jesus and instead got mud in his eyes, my healing did not come as expected.  It took me over two years to get to the point where I was finally willing to try it.  Today she mentioned some other people she thought I might try and I could feel my walls of resistance go up. I told her I wasn’t there yet, but that I’d file it in the drawer marked “Possibilities.” But in the meantime, I needed to chronicle this. I do not want to forget my last session with my LMT. Today I feel healthy but I know in order to continue to heal I have to be open to health. I don’t know exactly what that looks like, but God got me this far. I’m finally at a point where I’m not worried about what comes next.

And So She Wrote

March 20, 2015 Comments off

Most of my adult life has been spent battling an enemy I couldn’t defeat. While I do believe in a very real Satan and a very real Hell… this enemy wasn’t demonic. It was me. I take the whole “you are your own worse enemy” way further than is absolutely necessary. Years of dark depressions and suicidal episodes, resulted in so many lost years. There is not a single period in my life that ended well. Oh, they started out with a lot of promise but then I’d morph into my altered ego, Bipolar Girl, and all bets would be off. One of these days I’m going to start blogging about that stuff because it’s taking up too much space in my head. I keep replaying conversations in my head that I never had or am too afraid to have. Like so many hampers full of dirty laundry, this stuff needs to get aired before it becomes toxic, but not tonight.

Tonight I am in a good mood but I also feel unsettled. I’m under a lot of pressure right now, but I’m mentally stable. I’m experiencing a little bit of pain, but overall I felt great all day. This morning I went into a grocery store and the checker, whom I don’t know, remarked on how I wasn’t using the disabled scooter anymore. That simple fact of having a complete stranger remark on my healing put a grin on my face so big you couldn’t have wiped if off if you slapped me. A colleague retired today and I had a chance to pray with her and encourage her to expect the unexpected from God and to believe him for the impossible. Would you believed I actually used my disability to make that point? I never thought I’d ever be able to speak positively about being physically disabled because I hated it so much and couldn’t see the point of it. Today I saw a partial point.

I also got to rejoice with two of my students who scaled a major hurdle to reach a major mile stone.

And then I left work and came home… where I live all alone.

Not a moment of every day goes by that I am not thankful for my home. I think I say that in pretty much every post. I can be me when I’m home. I am safe at home. I can just have a running stream of conversation with Jesus and not worry or care who hears. It matters that he hears. So I know he hears me when I talk about how heavy my heart is. One of my students is in trouble. I have no idea how to help her either. My heart is so heavy for this girl. They all so desperately want us to see them as adults, but it’s hard when they do stupid things. When I was their age I lived on a steady diet of stupid things, so I’m not casting judgments. I’m calling the kettle black and the spade a spade.

When I came back to California after I ejected myself from the mission field I found myself on a Greyhound bus headed for some destiny I couldn’t see. My dream was to be a missionary and I found myself on a big white ship sailing around the South Pacific. I did not expect the bottom to drop out of my world. I didn’t know that I had Bipolar Disorder or that I would be forced to flee the ship because my life depended on it. To all intents and purposes my dreams had crashed and burned. Huddled on that bus I couldn’t imagine what God was going to do with me. I couldn’t imagine that he had any use for me at all. Then he led me to a verse:

“‘Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband’, says the LORD.” Isaiah 54:1

I have always believed that verse was prophetic over my life. I  received it in 1997… before becoming a teacher and years before my failed relationship that ended my hopes of marriage or my hysterectomy that ended my hope of ever having biological children. Also years before I got to be on the worship team at church where I got to sing my heart out until I lost the nerve. Now before anybody starts to think I’m having a pity party of one, relax. I accept this. I’m sing, no children, and I can’t sing anymore.

The upside? My students are my kids and since I’ve been teaching since 1998 I think the whole “many are the children part of the desolate woman” part has been fulfilled. Which leads me to why I’m unsettled. My student… my kid… is in trouble and I ache. I look at her life now and my life when I left the mission field and I see many similarities. Just like Nixon insisting that he was resigning when everybody knows they would have ousted him… I may have left the mission field voluntarily, but if I’d stayed much longer I might have been let go. My student may be let go, but just as the mission field was no longer the right place for me, I wonder if our school is the right place for her?

Please pray for my student. I want God’s will for her as if she were my own. Who am I kidding? I want things to work out for her because she reminds me of me and I want things to work out differently for both of us. Being able to write this made me cry and I so desperately needed to cry. I’ve been so tightly wound about this and so many other things of late. Blogging used to help me find balance. Free therapy and all. I’ve been trying to figure out who to talk to and then I realized writing does more for me than talking. So she writes….

 

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To..

March 14, 2015 Comments off

A few days ago I typed out a brilliant post. Ok… maybe I’m the only one who actually thought it was brilliant. Guess the world will never know since I somehow accidentally erased it. I do that a lot. I pour my heart out in a post and my new laptop eats it. Then I get mad when I can’t retrieve it and I don’t post anything at all.

When I tried to retrieve the automatically saved version, I have absolutely no idea what I did, but all I was left with was “why.”

No. Not the word “why,” the letter “y” which only served to make me madder. A post of a thousand words reduced to “y.” I tried for a good twenty minutes to retrieve the post with no luck. As I groused about how chintzy laptop keyboards are now compared to the one that I had for seven years I decided I wasn’t going to exert the effort to retype it. It was enough that I’d even thought it in the first place. It was a bridge from my last post to where I am now. Evidently, God thinks nobody needs to know that but me. Yet, I was left with the profound question of “Why?” and I’m finally accepting that while it’s totally permissible to ask God, “Why?” I think I’d be better served asking, “Why not?”

Why’d the post get deleted? Why not? Technology is not infallible. It happens and it happened to me. After my last post I had a physical set back that left me asking, “Why?” I was doing really well then I started poking around the notion of suffering and why we have to experience it. Next time I think I’ll start poking around the notion of why people have a million dollars because that seems like it’d be a lot less painful.

After doing something really minor I began to experience physical pain unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. My gut felt like an alien was trying to claw it’s way out from the inside. Because of my past experiences with modern medicine, I’ve decided that the next time I visit a hospital I will be in the morgue and won’t know that I’m there. Hospitals haven’t been able to help me these past few years and I’m done. So I suffered in silence. Only my closest colleagues at work knew that I was in pain. I’ve kinda distanced myself from most human beings (including my friends). Whereas I used to have a really solid support network, now it’s just me and Jesus. I come home from work and it’s just us. He gets me and I don’t have to try to explain to anybody what I’m feeling physically or emotionally. When I’m in pain or in crisis I do not have it in me to try. Jesus is the God who sees me. No explanations or apologies necessary.

The peace that I was experiencing was amazing.

I have never experienced anything like it. That verse in Philippians (or Ephesians??) about doing everything “without grumbling and complaining?” God put that in there for me. I spend a lot of time giving thanks to God daily to offset the fact that I have my first negative/grumbling/complaining thought a few minutes after I hit my alarm but before I put my feet on the floor. Bipolar Girl doesn’t just see the glass as “half empty.” It’s full of poisoned Cool-Aid and it’s about to shatter sending purple poison flying out in all directions.

Health wise it has been a rough few weeks, but my LMT helped fix what I had negligently broken. I’m not going to over do anything anymore. I realize that I have to walk straight before I can run. God doesn’t need me to don my cape and morph into Bipolar Girl in an attempt to make up for lost time saving the world. The world needs a Savior, but it’s not me. Today, I am able to walk with only minimal pain. I can walk quickly too. The horrible abdominal pain that was leaving me feeling tense and clinched is gone. I find myself doing my little jig when nobody is watching because I am happy. And the best part is that I’m not saying that I’m “happy again.” Even though I was in incredible pain my “happy” never left me. Makes me wonder… am I finally experiencing the “joy of the Lord? ” It’s hard to understand what “joy” is when you have a depressive mental disorder that leans toward deep/dark depressions and suicidal episodes. “Joy” seems like something that other people get to know and I don’t.

I am more mentally and physically functional that I can remember being for some time. Work is manageable. The peace that I have in my home helps keep everything else in check, but I know that any peace that I have really comes from God. Why did I have to go through this recent bout of suffering? Why not? On a planet this size  probability says that there will be suffering. Right now I know a family whose infant son has cancer. I know a single mom going through a divorce. Two cops just got shot in Ferguson and some woman in the middle east had her ears and nose cut off by her husband’s family when she tried to leave him.

I hate comparing pains because every man’s pain is his own. But if I had to choose what suffering I’m dealing with — something like getting my ears and nose cut off… or being killed by psycho terrorists… it’s pretty clear that I’d chose my petty grumblings and complaints. I will not borrow troubles and trials by wondering why aren’t I experiencing more suffering than I am. That’s stupid and counter productive. I don’t want to invite more pain into my life. I want to acknowledge that God has walked me through a new trial and I have come out on the other end. I still grumble and complain… but maybe not so much. Besides, I was so excited a few minutes ago I was ready to jump up and dance, so I did. I found a video that I like and I danced and just rejoiced in the fact that God is allowing me to walk without major hindrance. I’d love to say it was a warm and fuzzy Christian song… but I’d be lying. It’s an a cappella group called “Home Free” and if you feel like jumping up and dancing… don’t ask “Why?” or “Why not?” just go ahead, do it. And give God thanks for what he’s doing in me. :)

Get a Job

February 13, 2015 Comments off

I find myself with a day off from work.

Ok. They were having a massive campus wide clean up and I decided to opt out. I hate cleaning with an intense passion. Always have. That’s why I don’t mess up my place much — so I don’t have to clean it. We had another cleaning day about a week ago and I managed to undo some of the work my LMT has done. I was in pain for four straight days. All I could do was sleep it off. It hurt to move. I still hurt… so I figured a day off was in order. I don’t think God healed me to have it undone by cleaning.

I woke up with a head full of thoughts. So many thoughts have been flying around in the cavernous space that is my mind. This whole healing thing has had me looking at the past 6 years of pain and suffering in a new way. It also has me turning to my bible more. I haven’t picked up any of my multiple bibles in a long time. Dust is a very real possibility.

The words just felt hollow. I never stopped loving God or believing that he loved me. I never gave way to unbelief. My life is God’s to do what he wants. If he wanted six years of physical pain piled on top of all of the years of mental and emotional pain, it wasn’t my job to understand even though I desperately wanted to. It was my job to believe that God was still God no matter what he allowed into my life. I didn’t have to try to believe any of the popular Christian sound bites about how he “would deliver me.” Living in this world on a daily basis provides enough evidence that, for many people, God’s deliverance was not earthly healing but deliverance into the next world where their pain would not be remember and where fear and suffering would no longer exist.

There are a lot of Christianese-y beliefs floating around that I do not think line up with Scripture but people bleat them out all the time to somebody in crisis OR they take perfectly good scriptures out of context and try to build some major argument for it’s lack of context. They are trying to comfort, but it is often comfort of the cold variety. And that does not comfort me. That confounds and disturbs me and only adds to the mental maelstrom being waged in my mind.

Nearly a year ago I started reading the book of Job. I wanted to understand the nature of unwarranted suffering and how to handle people who were adamant about giving well-meaning, but off base wrong counsel. People who thought they were helping, when in fact, they weren’t. I wouldn’t have turned to the book of Job of my own initiative. If it’s possible to hate a book of the bible, I would have to say that I hated Job. What is up with that story???!!! It always seemed like God hung poor old Job out to dry. He had a sit down with Satan and it was decided that he could mess with Job? It seemed like that scene in the Matrix where the good guy and the bad guy are playing chess with the lives of the people in the Matrix. It was all just a game to them. It galled me to think that Job’s life was a game to God. It all could have been avoided. It didn’t line up with the benevolent God that I worshiped, so I thought it would be easier if somebody came along and just edited that book out of the next edition of the bible.

It has taken me nearly a year to get through Job. As my life does it’s best imitation of a roller-coaster, my desire to pick up my bible wanes accordingly. Today, I have a day off. The big thing on my four day weekend agenda is to braid my hair. It’s going to take me three days minimum. It was not on my agenda to open my bible up to Job and start reading, but that’s what I found myself doing at 6:30am.

Over the years I have suffered. I continue to suffer: first with the Bipolar, then with the hysterectomy, and finally with the adhesions. I have wondered why God would so afflict me and take me off of the mission field where I thought I was supposed to be. The suffering infected every area of my life with the stealth of a chemical weapon seeping in unnoticed. I’m not like all those famous Christian suffers who can smile in the face of pain and thank God for said suffering. That requires a level of faith that I just don’t have. Yet what I’ve read in Job so far gives me a perspective that I didn’t have a year ago and couldn’t have had six years ago.

As the hours and minutes of this four day weekend slip away I want to pause to hear and reflect up what Job is saying to me… or rather, what God is saying through Job to me. I haven’t felt much like blogging lately, but I want to write this down because my memory has gone all to hell. If I don’t write this down I am not going to remember it. Besides,  I know that God wants me to “get a Job” while I take this time away from my day job. He wants me to think about such things as grace, forgiveness, and godly communication/confrontation. I am experiencing a lot of this at work but I haven’t had time to just be still and reflect on it. Praise God for four day weekends and for understanding that I hate to clean. If I didn’t I might actually be work today and missing out on this.

 

 

I Never

January 31, 2015 Comments off

When I was in college
we used to play this
stupid drinking game
called, “I Never.”
Kinda raunchy
so I won’t go into
details.

But I will say that
this week has been
kind of a PG version
of said game…

I NEVER knew that after all these years, walking could be such fun.
I NEVER knew that I’d ever walk really fast ever again.
I NEVER knew that walking quickly up stairs could be so exhilarating.
I NEVER knew that I would want to do a jig and my “Snoopy dance” all in one day.
I NEVER knew that I would actually have a real dream about running
and actually believe that someday soon it might come true.

I NEVER knew that I could be SO happy about so many things I used to take for granted.
Walking… running… dancing… you don’t miss it until it’s gone.
I NEVER knew that those things would be returned to me.

I never knew that I could be so thankful.

This week has been a week
of things I thought I would
never do… but did.
Praise God that
what I never knew
I could do…
My omniscient God
certainly did.

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