Easter 2024: Come ONE. Come ALL.

Church isn’t always easy for me…for a variety of reasons.⁣

⁣Easter Sunday and Christmas are triggers and I generally avoid church unless I have a compelling reason to go. Some folks might think me a heathen or a crappy Christian. God thinks otherwise. ⁣

⁣Scripture tells me that “𝘕𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘯. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘧𝘶𝘭; 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘳. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘢 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵.”⁣⁣

What that means (𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦 in 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 context) is that I’m not the 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 person on the planet with issues with church. I’m not the only 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯 with challenges with church. God KNOWs this and has grace for us. He has made a way…⁣⁣

When in-person church is too much for me to bear, my God (who 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐒 me 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 as I am) will provide me a way out (𝐀𝐍𝐃 a way in). ⁣⁣

I could not go to church (𝘢𝘯𝘺 church) in person today. The sensory overload of the week caught up to me this weekend. My sleep is so fractured I could make a mosaic with all the tiles. ⁣⁣

This morning, I went to the laundromat and did laundry at 7:30am (because I had no clean underwear); I washed the dirty dishes that have piled up in my fridge; I actually ate breakfast because there is still a bit of food in the fridge; I’m going to order groceries from Safeway online later so I’ll have food to eat this week; and I’m going to allow my fried nervous system time to calm down by going to Golden Gate Park…before heading into another busy and overwhelming week. ⁣⁣

Had I gone to church this morning, 𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐄 of that would’ve been possible and this week would’ve been a nightmare of being cold, hungry, dirty, and resentful. ⁣⁣

𝐏𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐒𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐃 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐔𝐑𝐂𝐇!!!⁣⁣

I am currently listening to the choir of RealitySF singing about how “𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘸…𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐’𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘺 ‘𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦’ 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘮 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵” who 𝐈𝐒 the firm foundation on which I stand!!!⁣⁣

I 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 put my faith in a Jesus who 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐒 me and 𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐒 me when other people don’t. He has blessed me and other people with sensory issues or mental/physical health issues who struggle (𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 me) with in-person church with a way in — a slow onramp that allows us to be present “in spirit” until we can be present in body. ⁣⁣

Even though I couldn’t cope with all the people, noise, and stimulation of today in a church building GOD brought church to me!!! And 𝐁𝐎𝐘, 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐓!!!⁣⁣

I was able to dance during the worship…and cry…and kneel in the name of the God whom I love who loved me first. Most of these things? I wouldn’t do in-person for fear of what people would think. Fear of man? It’s a snare and a b@#!!h⁣⁣

Church? Might be hard for you. CHRISTIANS might be hard for you to tolerate. I get it. But don’t let your views about 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘤𝘩 or 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘴 keep you from coming to know The Christ. ⁣⁣

Church 𝐈𝐒 for you because the one on the cross in the middle said that YOU could come – In person 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦; Online 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵. ⁣⁣

There are so many wonderful churches offering online services today. ⁣

⁣Pick one. ⁣

⁣Tune in… and hear what Jesus wants to say to you.⁣

New Time. New Season.

There is a time and a season for everything. I’m convinced of it.

There have been times and seasons where I needed to blog. I didn’t have many friends so my thoughts were backing up in my head becoming toxic. I needed an outlet — a place to process my thoughts about what was happening to me in order to make sense of what was happening to me… in the context of the world around me.

Living in “The Bipolar Bubble” is how I explained my solitary existence. I was doing Social Distancing long before COVID 19 made that term a thing. People stressed me out so much that I isolated myself from the world because it felt safer that way. Little did I know that isolation was at the root of my problems, not people. God never meant for humankind to live alone.

Sure, relationships with people are often messy and complicated, triggering all kinds of “Big Emotions,” but running away from people (and the world) is not a viable or sustainable long-term solution. We can’t make meaning of our lives (or the world around us) in isolation.

Then there were times when I needed to be silent. The internet can be unforgiving. I was the Queen of TMI (Too Much Information) long before that term became a thing too. My need to bare my soul in a cathartic attempt to find my soul often meant that I was opening myself up to critical people who like to pull the wings off of butterflies. Or (worse) to the emptiness that followed posting something that I thought was meaningful… only to get silence. Crickets. No response from anybody at all as if I didn’t matter at all to anybody.

I now know that I am a “highly sensitive person.” I prefer to say that I have Sensory Processing Sensitivity because it sounds more scientific…and thus less emotional. As a highly sensitive person, I learned the hard way that just sharing my unfiltered thoughts online could have negative consequences. Words – once they’re out there – can’t be taken back.

*Note: Some things are best left between me and God or me and my therapist!

Lately, I’ve been reconsidering blogging again. It’s time… I need an outlet.

I’m what’s called an autoethnographer. A storyteller. It’s the way God wired me up…so the stories that are piling up in my head? They need to go somewhere. Even if God is the only one who sees, hears, cares, or understands.

It’s time.
I have to blog.
It’s not a want.
It’s a need.

But where to start?  The COVID pandemic interrupted the world like nobody’s business and I’ve been wrestling with all kinds of inner ugly– much of which doesn’t need to be shared here because it was part of the work God was doing to grow me and mature me as a communicator and a peacemaker.  In learning how to tell my story (His story really), God continually reminds me that “there are no villains in my story,” meaning that most people weren’t deliberately trying to hurt me.

Therefore, some details I cannot, should not, and will not ever share here because those stories involved other people, some of whom behaved badly. I got hurt. Some of them got hurt. Hurt was had on all sides…but in the midst of all the pain and suffering, transformation and growth also happened. The kind of growth that you can’t put a price tag on because it’s priceless.

I’ve learned a lot that I want to record here for posterity’s sake. Hopefully, this latest iteration of my blog will be less navel-gazing and more “comfort for the neurotic in all of us.” I’m not the only person who has struggled with people and life…so hopefully some of what I post here will be comforting to somebody somewhere.

So, to kick off this first post of 2024…I’ll borrow a line from one of my favorite tv shows, “You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle…” (Serenity)

This post actually started out as the draft for my revised “About Me” page, but then it got rather long. A lot has happened in the adventure since I wrote my first “About Me” page back in September of 2009. When I reread that page, I cringed. I wanted to edit it. Fear and shame would’ve had me delete it altogether because some things I shared in it were really personal… and I’ve changed since then. 

It seemed best to delete it in favor of introducing the new and improved me…but the thing about the stories we tell ourselves (and others) about ourselves…is that you can’t track change or growth over time if you deny who you were at the starting line. I was a hot mess at the starting line. Can’t deny it… but I won’t let it define who I am now or who I hope to become. 

The short version of who I am now?

I believe that God called me to work as an urban missionary at a non-profit helping under-resourced school children in writing. I work as if working for (and in the power of) Jesus. I have a “sending church” back on Oahu and affiliated with two churches here.

I’m doing autoethnographic research on post-Covid church culture observing how churches provide “appropriate support” for seekers and members who are in distress because of external factors beyond their ability to cope with in isolation. I’m particularly interested in how churches might maximize online church services and online fellowship for people on the margins as a “slow on-ramp” introduction to larger church fellowship. 

In this season, I’m working on a manuscript of a workbook to equip people in emotional distress (and/or struggling with addressable mental health issues) to develop a “rule of life” that could help them overcome barriers to mental and spiritual health. 

What will this season  look like? God only knows! For now… I’ll end with my mantra:
Let the adventure begin…

Now That I’ve STARTED… How DO I Mean to Go On??

Blogging is a lot like fishing.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Each post that I write is like me casting a net and hoping to catch the attention of somebody who really needs to hear what I have to say. Since next to nobody actually reads my blog, one might wonder why I do it? Why bother? I’m not the world’s best blogger.

When I first started blogging back in 2004, it wasn’t even called “blogging.” That word hadn’t been invented yet. It was called an “online journal” and since I’d been journaling since I could hold a pencil, that idea appealed to me. Surprisingly, I gathered quite a following back in the day… because my journal had all the action, drama, and romance of a telanovella… or what would happen if a train wreck and a romance novel had a baby. I became a prolific blogger, blogging everyday. Folks showed up to rubberneck my life as it spilled onto the pages of cyberspace.

This was the day of anonymous blogging and I loved it because I could offload all the toxic contents of my unquiet mind as if that online journal was a form of free therapy. I had trouble processing everything that I was experiencing (past and present) which resulted in overwhelming feelings that had to go somewhere or they’d suck me under. So I poured out all my guts in my blog hoping to heal myself.

Now we call that “transparency.” Back then, we called it TMI (too much information) and I was the TMI Queen. But I didn’t care that I was sharing some stuff that didn’t necessarily need to be aired in public. I was building an “online community” of like-minded people… and I finally had people who could understand what I was experiencing. It made me feel less alone.

My journal was on the biggest Christian online forum at the time…and I got a lot of feedback, support, and prayers from other Christians who could identify with me, who said that they didn’t think anybody else felt the way that they felt. I think they took comfort in knowing that there was somebody else out there… dysfunctional and hurting like them.

Craving community the way that I was, I didn’t stop to think that there are “three sides to every story: your side, their side, and the truth.” While everything that I have posted really happened to me, it never dawned on me that there were real people on the other end of the story that I was telling who might have a different narrative to tell.

Sadly, Younger Me hurt people. I didn’t plan to, but I did. I used my words to tear people down because they were hurting/had hurt me and my pain needed to go somewhere. Years later, I went back over and edited out every blog post that I’d ever written that didn’t honor God. But then, for a lot of years, I didn’t know what to blog about if I couldn’t process my emotional distress. I still wasn’t ok and I still needed an outlet, but I understood that using my blog for “free therapy” wasn’t free.

After having gone to grad school to study Communication and Autoethnography, I now understand what being a storyteller for Jesus means. It’s not about writing some tell-all in an effort to heal myself through cathartic writing. It’s about telling HIS story as it unfolded in my life. It’s about knowing Christ and wanting to make him known as I have sought to follow Jesus through trials, challenges, tests, temptations… and even triumphs. So, if I’m not going to blog about life as it unfolds, what’s a neurotic Christian writer who teaches s’posed to do?

This morning I was thinking about what this blog will look like moving forward.

Now? 2023-Me sees the wisdom in not airing all of my dirty laundry and secret sins online. I also recognize that words, once they are out there cannot be taken back. While I may draw from things God’s doing in my life now, I don’t need to blog to process my day or my feelings about it. While I was pretty big on reflection even back then, now I need to zoom out beyond the narrow borders of today. In true autoethnographic fashion, I plan to reflect on what God has taught me over the years, how far he’s brought me, and how he’s used everything (good, bad, ugly, and indifferent) for his glory and to transform me by changing the way that I think (Romans 12:2-3 NLT).

I want to use scripture as my filter to help me remember, reflect, and reframe this journey by drawing from things I’ve posted or written in the past. Typing is still rather painful for me. While I have lots of things I want to say… I can’t keep typing posts this long or my hand is never going to heal.

A pastor once said that when it comes to pain, we either have the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. I agree and disagree with that. I think we get a mixture of both. Scripture says that we should view all hardship as discipline (Hebrews 12:7-11) that we can learn from. So all the pain that I’ve walked through could fall under the umbrella of “discipline,” but more like the teach and train kind of discipline than the corporal punishment kind. From all accounts, discipline does not feel good but the harvest can be huge if we learn to wait for it. In the midst of discipline, most of us are inclined to ask, “Why??”

I’ve learned not to get stuck in the “why” questions. Though I believe that God doesn’t have a problem with us asking why, it’s important for our mental health that we not get stuck there. There are better questions to ask that help us move forward through the trials, challenges, tests, and traumas… that help us not only get to the other side, but catch a few folks along the way.

Questions like: What can I learn from this? How can I grow through this? And who can I help as a result of surviving this? These are WAAAAAY better questions than “Why me?” Because on a planet with 7.888 billion people… Why not me?

That being said… I still don’t know exactly what this blog is going to look like, but the hope is that the story I tell will honor God, help others seeking to know him more, and be a way for me to grow more like him in the process. Sure, it’ll feel a lot like sitting in a boat all night and not catching a single thing (Luke 5:1-11) but God designed me to write (and hopefully teach a few things along the way). So, even though it feels like I’m writing to myself… I’ll continue to blog because the Lord equipped me to do so.

And because I want to follow him, I’m going to blog whenever the Spirit leads and trust the “catch” to Jesus.

Photo by adiprayogo liemena on Pexels.com

2023: Start as I Mean to Go On…

Knowing that I have memory deficits… God decided to make some things hard for me to forget like the day I accepted Jesus. Kinda hard to forget New Year’s Day. I will never forget that I met Jesus on a beach on Maui on January 1, 1994 even if my only actual memory of the day is what I wrote about it in my journal. Evidently, some details are best left between me and God.

Well…New Year’s Day 2023 started on a surprising note: San Francisco was hit by major storms and tons of folks (including your’s truly) were left without power. I found out that morning when my space heater cut off and I was left literally in the cold. Yet, even in that I say, “PRAISE GOD,” because it set me on an adventure that day that was WAY better than anything else that I could have planned. SO, while all the lights were out in my unit (including in the kitchen)… my fridge, microwave, and gas stove were still working.

Oddly enough, it seemed like only some of the other residents in the building were experiencing the same problem. Others appeared to have full power. Go figure. PG&E kept sending text messages bumping the expected return of service later and later so I went to Target to stock up.

The power came on in my unit the next morning but I didn’t care. Worship by candlelight on my spiritual “re-birthday” was actually quite cool. Maybe I’ll make it a regular thing.

But that’s not the point of this post… just wanted to share that since the first day of my new year started out on a decidedly different note, I knew that I needed to have my eyes wide open to see what Jesus was going to be doing in me, for me, and through me in 2023.

Unfortunately, I still have De Quervain’s tenosynovitis in my right thumb/wrist/forearm… so everyday functions like typing, getting dressed, grocery shopping, cutting my food, or even taking care of normal bodily functions is painful. I’m right handed. I can’t really hold a pen properly, so I can’t even journal my thoughts without pain. My thoughts need an outlet. STAT. But what’s a girl to do? It’s not like I can stop doing most of those things, but I can modify how I do them.

Like blogging. I STILL need an outlet because I’m battling some pretty thick emotional distress and toxic thoughts and emotions are piling up in my mind. Yet I can’t continue to overburden my one real friend here or my supervisors at work with all the stuff that’s taking up said mental real estate and clamoring to get out.

SO… if typing hurts…I need to get creative about my online sharing. Hence, the revival of something I used to do back in the day to get extra mileage out of whatever I shared on Facebook by sharing it here. Most times, it was something that Facebook offered up as a “memory” from years past and I’d reflect on how far God had brought me since I first wrote it. Or it was something I’d posted earlier that week generally related to whatever message the pastor had given in church that I needed time and space to process. I called those posts: From the Annals of Facebook and just cut and pasted them here.

Since I intend to resume blogging… now seemed like as good a time as any to resurrect The Annals. I posted this on Sunday (January 8th) before church. It felt like Pastor Ben’s message was made just for me. I’m including his message at the end because it is another reminder that Jesus knows exactly where I am and exactly what I need to hear.

From the Annals of Facebook: Trials and Temptations

HAPPY SUNDAY Facebook Ohana!

Tomorrow is my first REAL day back at work in front of children. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that because working with kids takes a HUGE toll on my emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical health. Some folks are gifted with a deep and abiding love for children and ministering to kids is easy for them.

I am not one of those people. My feelings about children are ambivalent and ambiguous which creates a lot of stress, anger, guilt, and shame. Yet Jesus calls us to love children and welcome them. I don’t always know how to do this. I don’t like working with kids and being around them is challenging.

As a result, teaching is a struggle (a trial AND a temptation) for me… and yet God has called me to be a teacher. Believing this, I taught elementary school for TEN years so nobody can accuse me of not trying. After I quit teaching in 2008, I felt called to return to teaching so I taught at Job Corps for another TEN grueling years… which says a lot about my ability to persevere.

Teaching is not an easy job and is NOT for the faint of heart. Often, it can leave teachers feeling drained wondering what the heck happened. For me, it left me feeling angry at God for calling me to do something I CLEARLY struggled to do.

While I still believe God has called me to be a teacher, I do not believe he intends me to teach children for the rest of my life. I feel called to teach adults and while I’m not sure what that looks like…I know that I’m on the right path.

So what does that have to do with church?

Online church has been a HUGE blessing to me when I was too mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually depleted to attend in-person church. I WISH there’d been online church back in the days when I taught elementary school because I would avoid the overstimulation, guilt, and shame of church by isolating myself. I would disconnect from church out of exhaustion and then feel like a backslider when all I REALLY was was exhausted and broken.

Today I’m going to attend church online because I need to be mentally and physically ready to minister to the kids that I will be working with tomorrow during the 826 Valencia field trip that I’m coordinating. It’s a bit like herding cats and requires A LOT of mental energy and emotional bandwidth. It’s going to be a full week of field trips and I need to be ready.

In order to do that…I need to do things TODAY like meal prep and other things that I didn’t have time to do this past week. PRAISE GOD I can do all of those things today AFTER watching Pastor Ben Day give another really thought provoking message.

I’m not sure if you can identify with ANY of this… but if you are weak and heavy-ladened or you just don’t have the brain pellets to go to church in-person, won’t you please consider attending online church? While I’m partial to FirstSF… it doesn’t even have to be my church. All that will matter is that you found a church where you feel like you belong and that you go… ONLINE.

I believe that Jesus will meet you where you are at. [End Facebook Post]

Now that right there would’ve been cool… I said what I needed to say. But Pastor Ben’s message was a serious word from God. He spoke into the heart of ALL of the things that are causing me distress and gave me hope of overcoming many of them as the year unfolds. So whatever it is you’re going through, know that there is a God who understands and wants to reach out to you exactly where you’re at.

Celebrating a Mile Stone

So… I write a post saying that I needed to start blogging again only to go radio silent. As much as I wanted to write, I developed a type of tendonitis that made typing unbearably painful. All the typing I needed to do for work couldn’t be avoided… but blogging? It was a want, not a need. Today is different. I started to type this on my Facebook page (despite the pain) only to realized I’d rather post it here, so cut and paste it is!!

Celebrating a Milestone!!!

In grad school I learned the importance of celebrating milestones. One milestone may not seem like such a big deal… but when I look back over my life and see all the milestones that God helped me reach… they shine like gems in a beautiful necklace nestled on a black backdrop.

So what’s the milestone?

Yesterday was my last field trip of my first semester as the Field Trip Program Coordinator for the non-profit I started working for that helps children with writing! The whole point of me going to grad school after quitting teaching (again) was so that I could get something else on my resume and never have to teach children ever again. SO where does God lead me for my first non-teaching gig in 20 years? A non-profit that teaches kids how to write. The past four months have been a bumpy ride. There have been tears.

Yet…God has brought me SO far in four months…the past year… past few years really. When I quit my job at MJC back on Maui, there was no way to know the path God would have me walk. The past four months in this job have been incredibly difficult… my stress/distress/acute distress levels have been high, but I know with everything in me that I am supposed to be right here, right now, doing exactly what I am doing.

I kept telling my supervisor (whom I LOVE)… that I just needed to make it to Christmas break. I’d be able to slow down, regroup, and catch my breath. With the last field trip in sight, I was literally counting the days. Volunteers cancelling the morning of or showing up late? NO LONGER had the power to stress me out. Class arriving late? NO PROBLEM.

Bilingual class where kids were having a hard time tracking our program?? Would’ve freaked me out a month ago. Not so for our last field trip… I had to dust off my Spanish and do my best to build a connection with the class, but I did. PRAISE GOD!!! My team and I pulled it off and a great time was had by all…even the kid who was crying because he couldn’t write in English. Seeing his distress, helped me get out of my comfort zone. I sat with him at a separate table and he dictated to me and I wrote his story ending in Spanish.

My prayer is that he and the rest of his classmates would be able to learn English while not losing their ability to communicate in their dominant language. I’m learning the value of “both/and” instead of “either/or.”

As much as I didn’t want to be in a “student facing” job, yesterday was fun. I can see so many reasons why God led me to this organization, at this time, for this season. I emphasize “season” because I STILL pray almost daily for the day when I can leave San Francisco, but for now, I’m fully present here. SF continues to be one ginormous trigger, but the growth and transformation that I am seeing and experiencing is priceless.

Today was ANOTHER milestone…the last field trip of the semester at the our other writing center where I play a supporting role. Sure…my buttons are mashed almost every time I go there, so today was no different. I was triggered from the moment I got there, but as I sought prayer (via a quick text) and determined to be present for the kids (and outside of my own head), I had another opportunity to level up and God was so faithful. More growth!!

God is maturing me by having me confront my fears, worries, doubts and other big emotions. Would I like him to wave a hand and make all that stuff go away? Actually, no. I once wrote that Jesus “doesn’t wrap you up in cotton to protect you from the world.” He knows what the world is like and promises you that he has overcome the world and in his strength, we can overcome as well. I am in the process of overcoming things I thought I’d never overcome. PRAISE GOD!!!

So this job is more than a job. It’s a training ground, an opportunity, and a gift. It is about overcoming one day at a time, one step at a time. I love the place that I get to work and the people I get to work with. I’m even beginning to like (and maybe even love) the kids that God has called me to serve.

So sitting at home eating popcorn watching a tv show on Amazon Prime seemed a bit anti-climactic. There was no big celebration tonight…my plans fell through. The first milestone in my first non-teaching gig in two decades and I didn’t have anybody to celebrate with. Wow. That seems rather sad unless you factor in my belief that Jesus is celebrating with me. It’s all in how I choose to reframe this.

If I don’t capture at least some of what I am feeling, a year from now when FB offers up memories from today, there won’t be any. Memory deficits suck.

To that end, I’m approaching this post like a time capsule that I’ll get to open a year from now:

The challenges that I’ve been facing at work WILL be overcome, no doubt to be replaced by NEW challenges.

The health problems that I’m contending with? Hopefully… Lord willing… they will finally become a thing of the past. DQT? Hopefully that’ll be healed.

Church? I stopped going in-person for a number of reasons that were valid then/still valid now.. but now that I’ve finished this first leg of the race, I have the mental real estate and emotional bandwidth to go to church in person on Sunday. I’m trusting Jesus to go before me.

Will I become a more active member attending church in-person, rather than online? The goal is actually going to be to attend two Sundays in-person and two Sundays online. I really do love online church and praise God for that technology every day.

Friends? I’m tired of being so isolated and disconnected. I’m trying to be intentional about making connections and hopefully real friendships will spring out of that. Will I finally make real friends in this city? I have one really good friend now whom I love dearly, but I want more meaningful relationships with more people.

My relationship with Jesus? Will it finally be the deep and abiding relationship that I’ve been seeking after all these years?

As I move forward into 2023, God WILL guide me to more milestones. And when I pause at the end of next year to reflect on them, I hope to see a beautiful mosaic of memories about how far God has brought me. I hope that 2023 holds more smiles than tears. I hope that my answers to all those questions are all answered in the affirmative. What WILL my life look like a year from now?

I don’t know. I don’t have to know.

What matters tonight is that God got me past “the finish line.” I kept my eyes on “the Author and Perfector” of my faith and he was with me through it all!! So…No matter what happens in this next year (good, bad, or indifferent)… God is still God. He knows where all the milestones are buried, so I can move forward believing and trusting in him to lead me to them.

Fast Forward to NOW (a 4-minute read)

It’s time to start blogging again.

Yes, I need an outlet, which makes blogging a bit like free therapy…but I also believe that it’s time. Yes, my thoughts are piling up in my head taking up valuable mental real estate and emotional bandwidth, so I need to air out the joint. But, I also need to get on with the work God’s given me to do on this planet which is to write about and share testimony of what I’ve seen and heard him do.

I’m also supposed to share openly about what it’s been like to be a Christian struggling with mental health issues and how God walks me through life. Not the most glamorous of assignments as far as missions go, but it’s the work that I’ve been given to do and hiding in the shadows is having diminishing returns. Maybe my story won’t matter to people who have it all dialed in, but maybe, just maybe… there are people out there struggling (or people who want to help someone they know who is struggling) who might just benefit from hearing about the journey I’ve been on in Jesus. And while I admit that I’ve been silent for too long, even in my silence, Jesus has still been guiding me, so there’s still more story that needs telling.

SO…how do you pick up the details of an adventure after a year of silence? I could recount the facts or the truth… but which ones??

After that last entry in April of 2021, I went on to defend my thesis. I am not sure why I didn’t come back here to finish the story arc… The details of my actual thesis defense are hazy, so I’ll just cut to the chase: I defended my thesis surrounded by a small crowd of witnesses — several friends, pastors, former mentors, and folks who are like family all in attendance on Zoom. My thesis committee approved my defense and I went on to publish it and graduate. I now hold a Masters in Communication from the University of Hawaii, Manoa and a $55K student loan to prove it. Now God expects me to actually communicate.

For anybody interested, my thesis is called: Adventures in Overcoming Barriers to Mental Health: The Autoethnography of an Angry, Ex-Bipolar Girl.

It’s about a 2-hour read. Check it out.

The events that transpired immediately after my graduation? I am choosing not to go into them here or to ever write publicly about them. Some stories are not just mine to tell. Let’s just say that I fell into a very dark pit after graduation and almost didn’t make it out alive. Just thinking about the events immediately following my defense and graduation make me cry, BUT GOD was faithful. He didn’t leave me in that dark place. He led me here, to San Francisco, where I’m working for an internationally know non-profit. I have yet to decide if I’m going to mention it by name here… but given my life’s work, it makes sense to me and people who’ve known me for years that I would be working in this place in this season.

Yet… what about the details of the events leading up to TODAY?

Also not going to go into here. The past year and a half has been traumatic. Just because God gets you through one dark valley doesn’t mean that life on the other side is going to be all unicorns and snicker bars. For me, it wasn’t… it still isn’t… but it became clear to me that through it all, God never left me. My faith is stronger now than it’s ever been because not matter what happens, God is still God.

Yet I find myself in a “liminal space” even if I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. SO, I need a place to unpack my thoughts, to question and explore my beliefs, to seek God outside of my own head in the hopes that somebody, somewhere will benefit from the telling. I’m also hoping to find clarity by decluttering my mind and spirit and believe that writing is cathartic. I’m not really sure what all I’m going to write here about, but I have to start somewhere.

So… here I am…writing about God in the context of whatever is happening around me. And to quote a wise sage, “Buckle up, Buttercup!” We’re in for a bumpy ride.

Let the adventure continue…

Day 28: The Night Before Part II

People see my fear… and think that I am not trusting God.
I think it takes more faith to follow God DESPITE your fear.
It is easy to step out to follow God when you are not afraid.

Fear used to keep me isolated and alone.
Afraid, depressed, and suicidal.
Now? Fear might hinder me…
but it DOESN’T stop me.
I am NOT a slave to fear
though I am afraid about
tomorrow.

Crying the night before my thesis defense?
Not wise. I’ll end up being a zombie tomorrow.

Music is such a powerful emotional regulator… and often says what is on my heart.

My fears about not graduating haven’t drowned yet.
I have no idea how I’m going to do on my defense tomorrow…
but no matter the outcome,
God is STILL God…
and I am STILL his child.

Today is Day 28.

Day 28: The Night Before Part I

The day that I have been working towards for the past two years is finally upon me… and I’m still not ready. Today has been a really emotional day where I wrestled with God. I JUST finished my PowerPoint presentation. There have been unavoidable waves this week that knocked me over, but could NOT keep me down.

This morning? I was scared. This Steven Furtick Video spoke to me because God’s got grace for us when we don’t know what to do. Earlier this week I read a blog where the blogger ripped his character and his ministry apart. Unless someone is preaching outright heresy… I do not understand why there is so much disunity in the body of Christ over things that are essentially stylistic differences.

This man speaks to the festering wounds in my soul and he offers me hope from the word. Good ‘nough for me.

Day 44: Wrestling with God in the Dark

This morning in the wee hours I wrestling with God. In the middle of the match, the Spirit speaks a verse into my mind:

What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?

Mark 8:36

It made me question the point of me getting a Masters in Communication… especially since my interpersonal communication skills are decidedly less than “masterful.” I’ve been so focused on the fact that I probably wasn’t going to be able to finish my thesis and graduate… that I never thought about what kind of person I’d be if I actually did graduate.

That piece of paper (or lack thereof) will not indicate the kind of person I am. That piece of paper (or lack thereof) will not define me. It won’t make me nicer, more compassionate, more intelligent…

I started to question why I’d even come to graduate school. Honestly? I hated my job and couldn’t imagine staying there for another 10 years. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED my students but all the behind the scenes aspects of teaching that sucked my soul dry were sucking my soul dry.

IF God hadn’t made it clear that it was time to leave teaching I might still be there. SO… really, I came to graduate school because I believed was prompting me to do so. During this time my faith has been stretched, tested, pruned, refined, attacked, pressed, crushed, and struck down. My mental health took some direct hits.

And as I wrestled with God I felt a peace. Whether I get that piece of paper or not, I know that I am obedient to God. I know that my faith is resilient. Sure… I whine and cry a lot to God, but the take-away from that is that I feel safe enough to be real with God.

I watched another Steven Furtick video today that really resonated with me because it was about Jacob. Of all the people in the Bible that I could say that I relate to, I relate to Jacob. Jacob was a ratbag. And yet God calls himself, “The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

God, is the God of the ratbags. THAT’S why I feel so safe letting God see the side of me that only ex-boyfriends and tailgaters have ever seen.

IF God could love JACOB… he can surely love me.

That Furtick message is long… but I want to deposit it in hopes that somebody who might never watch one of his videos will see it here and be encouraged by it.

Today is Day 44… and God blessed me with a message that spoke to the part of me that even after all these years still wrestles with God in the middle of the night.

Day 46: Is it Finished?

Writing a thesis is like being strapped into a roller coaster car moments before you realize that you don’t like roller coasters. I just submitted my thesis third draft. Today was a LONG, emotional day. A friend shared this verse from Habakkuk 3:17-18 with me:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,

    and there are no grapes on the vines;

even though the olive crop fails,

    and the fields lie empty and barren;

even though the flocks die in the fields,

    and the cattle barns are empty,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord!

    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

If I waited until I felt better… I wouldn’t post.

I am thankful that God sent Candace and “Diane” to help me finish today’s race.
I could NOT have finished today without them.

Today is Day 46. Praise. Today, it’s a choice. Not a feeling.