Confession and Repentance Part I

My morning didn’t start out well, but I’m determined to let God FINISH it well.

The past few days the “adventure” hasn’t been so fun but God is still in the details IF I look for him.

I know this because I went for a walk this morning early to clear my head and talk with God.

I still struggle with claustrophobia. It’s gotten a lot better, but under stress… I wake up feeling like there is no air in the room. I needed to breathe, so I left early with my mask around my neck planning to only put it on if my path crossed someone else’s. My conversation with God was going well until…

It started to rain.
I thought I’d keep walking.

I was listening to Mary Mary singing, “I Just Can’t Give Up Now” and figured God was giving me an object lesson on perseverance… until seconds later it started POURING raining. The last time that happened I kept walking. I got soaked….but God and I had a great time. I was smiling by the time I got home. No rain. No rainbows.

This morning? Not so much.

Anger started to well up… because for the past few days I’ve been angry at God.
My anger was so close to the surface that God used the rain to expose my thoughts:

GOD! WHY do you keep letting people hurt me?! I try really hard to be a good person and YOU keep letting people hurt me because of FREE WILL. People have THE RIGHT to do whatever they want EVEN if it hurts other people. WHAT about OTHER PEOPLE’S rights NOT to be hurt? What about MY rights not to be hurt?!

Now before you take offense at my tone with God… I remind you that God’s OMNISCIENT. He knows what I’m thinking before I do… so trying to hide my thoughts from God is ridiculous. He already knows them. Better to get them out in the open so we can deal with them together. Anger and fear are like cockroaches. If you don’t deal with them in the light… they will fester and multiply in the dark.

By the time I finally got home, I was calmer. I planned to attend church online but first I posted on Facebook. I needed to clear some “mental real-estate” or my mind would be too full to focus on what the pastor was saying. Here’s what I posted:

From the Annals of Facebook:

God and I have been wrestling since Friday. I know some of my friends are quick to see every struggle as an attack from Satan… but Paul talks about our sin nature and our struggle with it in Romans 6-7. People don’t like to talk about our sin nature. I think it’s because it’s a lot easier to avoid personal responsibility by saying, “The Devil made me do it.”

We are told in scripture to “put off” sin (Ephesians 4:22-24) and to “throw off things that hinder us,” (Hebrews 12:1-2). That’s what the past few days have been about for me. Most of my big giant GLARING sins no longer have the power to drive the bus. But it’s those sins attached to areas of deep wounding… where I feel justified in how I respond… that I was wrestling with.

THOSE are the sins it’s harder to let go of.

I found great comfort in reading Romans chapters 6 and 7 over the past three days because Paul was the first person to say that “the struggle is real.” Struggling with our sin nature is REAL. We need to face it not rebuke it. Jesus died for me so that my sin nature no longer has to dominate me.

Paul also went on to say that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1-2) Which means, that God not only saw me “fighting the good fight” (1 Timothy 6:12) with myself the past few days… but he didn’t condemn me for it. Jesus wants to walk me through my internal battle to the joy and peace that will come when I have his perspective on it. Paul says that I’m “more than a conqueror.” (Romans 8:31-37)

It is easier to think of strapping on “the full armor of God” (Ephesians 6:10-20) and waging “spiritual warfare” against Satan. But what if the enemy you are battling is yourself and your old sinful reactions that are deeply rooted in fear and trauma?

Fear is a God-given emotion.

Fear serves a purpose.

It is only when we let our fear become BIGGER than our God… that fear becomes an idol and needs to be toppled. Friday God revealed some pockets of fear that he wants to shine his light into. I responded in deep, irrational fear… but also some really real RATIONAL fear. Neither rational nor irrational fears surprise God.

Jesus wants to set me free from these fears. I’ve needed to sit with these feelings the past few days because I’m not the only person who feels this way. My fears are common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13). It’s my job to write about it in the middle of the storm and give testimony of what I see God doing. There are actually names for a lot of the things that I fear… which CONFIRMS that what I’m feeling and experiencing is are phenomenon common to man.

The bad news is that I’ve been struggling the past few days with fear and that has had a negative impact on my physical body. I’m in pain.

The GOOD NEWS?

1) Nothing can separate me from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39)
2) GOD is El Roi, the God Who Sees me, so I am not alone in my struggles
3) Jesus calls me an overcomer. (Revelation 12:11)

In the past, going to church after days like the last three would’ve been an impossibility. Too much external stimulation and I’d morph into my altered ego “Bipolar Girl.” But with church meeting online… I was able to attend the online service of Kaimuki Christian Church on Friday when I was really upset…and now I’m going to the 9:30 service at Wellsprings Covenant Church.

The storm that I’m in hasn’t subsided… yet…. but there is comfort knowing that God is in the eye of that storm and WILL calm the wind and the waves in his timing.

My job? Trust him.

UH Manoa, COVID19, and Uncertainly Certain

This week the UH President sent out an email about COVID19 and the latest lock-down orders. He and the Provost actually send out A LOT of emails. It’s in an attempt to keep us informed. Communicator that I am, I love that I attend a university that tries to keep us informed. Uncertainty has a way for freaking people out. Everybody keeps talking about how we’re living in “uncertain times.”

“Uncertainty Avoidance,” or UA is a thing. I learned about it first semester in my Intercultural Communications (COM 643) class. Back when I was living with the Bipolar diagnosis, I didn’t realize that much of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that I have high UA — meaning I freak out when confronted with too many unknowns. Workplaces or living situations that abounded in uncertainty due to unclear or a lack of communication were HUGE triggers for anger, anxiety, fear, depression, and even suicidal ideation.

Acquiring even the glancing understanding of UA that I now have thanks to my COM 643 class… has helped me to put my high UA into a bigger context. I may not be certain about the world we live in… but I’m certain about God. I now regularly pray about UA by seeking God’s wisdom and guidance when I’m feeling really uncertain.

For the sake of posterity, I’m posting the email the UH President sent. It’s nothing fancy… but it’s clear communication. PRAISE GOD for leaders who try to communicate clearly and in a timely fashion!!

Aloha to our UH Oʻahu ʻOhana,

As you have probably heard, Honolulu Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Governor David Ige have announced that starting tomorrow, Thursday, August 27, there will be a stay-at-home/work-from-home order for 14 days on Oʻahu.

The University of Hawaiʻi is exempt from the order and is now entrusted with the responsibility to act responsibly. We take that responsibility very seriously. So despite being exempt, we will take additional steps to comply with provisions of the latest stay-at-home/work-from-home order. Many of you have already received updates in this regard from your campus.

As you are aware, we had started reducing the number of people on our campuses a few weeks ago in response to the rise in COVID-19 cases on Oʻahu. This was after preparing for fall semester that was already predominantly online. The few remaining in-person or hybrid courses that can be moved online, will now be moved online. And while many of our employees have been teleworking under our UH work-from-home policy, we are now asking managers to ensure that everyone who can work from home does so.

While in many ways this is a return to conditions last spring, there is one significant difference today. Last spring we abruptly moved all instruction online and initiated mass telework without much time to prepare. We now have the benefit of the summer adjustments so painstakingly made by teams across our campuses. And we have the benefit of CDC, state and local guidance that is informed by what has been learned about the virus and the disease. So today, our science labs, shops for career and technical education, studios for the arts, and clinical training facilities have been reconfigured for safe physical distancing and protocols are now in place for proper cleaning and disinfection. We also have policies in place for mandatory face coverings, daily health checks, and protocols for when a positive case occurs.

This latest pandemic setback on Oʻahu is another reminder that the only way we can successfully navigate through this health crisis is with a collective commitment to safe practices. Each of us has a responsibility to all of those around us, as well as to ourselves and our families. UH has been entrusted with this exemption so that we can fulfill our essential mission to educate our students and perform research that helps Hawaiʻi and the world move forward. Please, we must all follow the science-based guidelines in place to keep us safe and prove that the trust put in UH is well-deserved.

E mālama pono,
David Lassner
UH President

Day 30: Wave Walkers, Shipwrecks, and Hurricanes…

The emergency sirens are no longer going off. Hurricane Douglas is getting closer to our island… but GOD is STILL GOD.

Today my pastor, Bryan Sands, of Kaimuki Christian Church, gave a message about being “Wave Walkers” and used the life of the Apostle Paul during the shipwreck to speak words of wisdom and comfort to us. That he gave his message on FRIDAY and recorded it to show today (Sunday) when Hawaii is facing a Category 1 Hurricane, is timely. When KCC posts the video… I’m going to add it to this post.

Right now? The adrenaline rush I’m feeling is pretty much making blogging more of a nice idea than a coherent narrative. SO… I’ll end right here with a prayer and a declaration of the goodness, omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, and omnificence of God!!

Update: August 29, 2020: Hurricane Douglas did NOT hit Oahu!!! Praise God for answered prayer!!!

 

Comfort Food: 2 Corinthians 1: 1-11

As I’ve tried to respond to life’s challenges, I’ve often gotten it wrong. I’ve often tried to “self-medicate” to feel better. I hate that word. People use that word to cover up all kinds of dysfunctional, hurtful, and sinful behavior. There is no medicine involved here.

For now, I’m not going to rehash what I did to “self-medicate” or “comfort” myself when life got overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hide from my past. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I’m choosing not to camp there in this post. This post is about “comfort food.”

I’ve been hurt by well-meaning people who wanted to “comfort” me, but didn’t know how. You’ll often see me use the term “well-meaning, but soul-crushing advice.” I didn’t coin the term, but I like it. It was because I wanted to avoid this discomfort that I isolated myself and tried to do life alone. Just to be clear, when I say, “alone” I mean me and Jesus.

Accepting Jesus into my life on January 1, 1994 was the smartest thing I ever did. But it didn’t make all my problems go away. Life is full of problems. The only way not to have problems is to die… and my time isn’t up yet. Jesus wants to show me how to live life abundantly, so that the challenges of life can’t push me from being merely neurotic to being full-blown mentally ill. I’m actually ok with being neurotic. It’s part of my charm. I’m not ok with being mentally ill.

Walking with Jesus has meant that I’ve always had 24/7 access  — 367 days of the year  to the Source of all comfort. One scripture I learned early in my walk with Jesus has been a rock of truth upon which I stand. And the cool thing about truth… once it’s embedded in your heart, nobody can take in from you, no matter what happens in life. This truth is comfort food for me:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ( 2 Corinthians 1:1-11)

Not only is there comfort in knowing that God is just waiting to comfort me… but that he can bring beauty out of the ashes of my life by allowing my life to comfort others.

I would like to note that Christians need more discernment when it comes to trying to “comfort” people struggling with mental health issues. What might comfort somebody else may not comfort them. It might actually be a trigger. I’ve had to learn the hard way how to communicate to people what is and isn’t comforting… what is and isn’t helpful. Because of ignorance (my own and that of well-meaning people) I got hurt and retreated into  my “Bipolar Bubble” to avoid more pain.

Isolation is the absolute worst thing anybody can do whether you are neurotic or not. God never meant for man to live alone. Right now? God is comforting me by giving me the discernment to know who to invite into my adventure and how to ask them for help. It’s a communication issue.

Now…instead of drowning in the waves that crash upon my life, I am learning how to become a “wave walker” by using my voice to reach out to healthy community. And as God works through his body (the church), to address the external factors that cause me to morph from being neurotic to mentally ill… there is great comfort in that.

Are YOU Neurotic?

Even before the Bipolar Diagnosis was removed from my medical records, I used to say that you didn’t have to have Bipolar Disorder to struggle with any of the issues that I grappled with daily. All my triggers were external and inherent in life, not something inherently wrong with me.

My mental illness stemmed from my dysfunctional and unhealthy ways of responding to life. I was a poster child for being neurotic. In my experience in living, working, and traveling through life, I conclude that we’re all a little bit neurotic about something. I think being neurotic is on a continuum where some people are really neurotic (like me)… others… not so much. But what does “neurotic” even mean? Maybe you’re neurotic and don’t even know it.

I find it helpful to start with the meaning of words. IN ENGLISH.

My go-to is always the dictionary, but I’ll use Wikipedia if it suits my purposes. This is what Wikipedia says about people who are “neurotic.” Read it and if you see yourself in this definition…there is much comfort to be found in this knowledge. First: you are not alone. Second: You’re also NOT mentally ill:

Neuroticism is one of the Big Five higher-order personality traits in the study of psychology. Individuals who score high on neuroticism are more likely than average to be moody and to experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness.^[1] People who are neurotic respond worse to stressors and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy, and they may have trouble controlling urges and delaying gratification.

Persons with a high neuroticism index are at risk for the development and onset of common mental disorders,^[2][3] such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and substance use disorder, symptoms of which had traditionally been called neuroses.^[3][4]

After my experiences of having my personality type misdiagnosed as a mental illness… I’m on a mission to help liberate as many neurotic people as I can!!

Knowledge is power people… and I aim to share the knowledge that I’ve gained from walking with God through this adventure to mental wellness.

 

Are You There God? It’s Me, Bipolar Girl. Part II

Yes, Bipolar Girl. I’m Here...

As I sat and talked to God about why I was angry… he patiently spoke to me through Philippians 2:1-18 (New Living Translation on biblegateway.com):

2 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? ² Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

³ Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ⁴ Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

⁵ You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

⁶ Though he was God,
    he did not think of equality with God
    as something to cling to.
⁷ Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
    he took the humble position of a slave^[
    and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
⁸     he humbled himself in obedience to God
    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

⁹ Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
    and gave him the name above all other names,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

¹² Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. ¹³ For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

¹⁴ Do everything without complaining and arguing, ¹⁵ so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. ¹⁶ Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. ¹⁷ But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy. ¹⁸ Yes, you should rejoice, and I will share your joy.

He stopped speaking… and waited for my questions to come because… omniscient God that he is… he knew that my questions were many…

Are You There God? It’s Me, Bipolar Girl. Part I

With everybody so quick to put fingers to keyboard to air their feelings, beliefs, and thoughts about the drama being performed on the national stage, I’m being challenged to look deeper into what I know.

This morning, I had a really stressful phone conversation with my landlady. It would be REALLY easy to write a scathing post about what kind of person that I think she is… and all the things that she’s done wrong (both real and imagined)…but I learned years ago that with blogging,  such behavior will not honor God.

Earlier this week, I had an emotionally rending experience with another Christian in a group I started on Facebook. I left the group. Again… it would be REALLY easy to write out a post sharing my side of the story where I could paint her to be really evil. But that wouldn’t honor God. It also wouldn’t be true. She’s not evil. She’s human. As is my landlady. So rather than demonize them as I wrestle with my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about these conflicts, I’m challenged to talk to God.

One of my favorite books growing up was about a girl who wrote letters in her diary to God. I do not remember the book. Memory deficits, remember? But I’ve never forgotten the title. It’s probably also why, when I journal, I journal to Jesus. Almost all of my journal entries for the past 26 years are letters to God. They generally start out with a problem… something that is creating stress for me or, rather, revealing the stress and anger that is always at work within me. Most of the time, God will respond back to me with a scripture which I am usually, but not always, dutiful to look up in context.

It’s not wise to grab a single scripture and stand on it as if it were the whole revealed counsel of God. So…whenever possible, I look at the entire paragraph, chapter, or book of the bible if necessary. I allow the Holy Spirit of God to speak to me through the Word of God. Getting advice from other Christians is wise. Getting counsel from pastors and other lay leaders is also wise, but if I go running other people for wisdom BEFORE running to God, I set myself up for a more drama. The natural temptation of friends in conflict situations (unless they’re like Job’s friends) is to take your side and try to make you feel better by agreeing with you.

But what if I’m wrong? What if my perception of the situation is somehow skewed? What if, in letting my emotions drive the bus, I’m not listening to God but my own selfish motivations? Or worse… what if I’m listening to Satan? I’ve said it before, I am not one to see a “demon behind every bush.” But Satan can and will try to make conflicts bigger than they already are.

My response to this week’s conflicts have been to pray, read scripture, and communicate to people as God prompts me. I see where he leads me in scripture. I try to be faithful and obedient to what he reveals to me through his word… and I look to see what happens next. I ask questions of God and people who know God. I look back in  his word.

The talk with the landlady was upsetting, but only because God may be asking me to wait. In my mind waiting will mean having to wrestle with my anger and my rage longer. My depression and my anxiety? Are fed by anger that I do not know how to manage.

When talking to Cain in Genesis 4, God asked him, “Why are you angry?”

It was an opportunity for Cain to talk to God and learn some anger management skills. He didn’t… and look how that turned out. There’s nothing like anger left to fester to make you feel… bipolar.

I believe God’s been asking me why am I angry. Seeing as he’s OMNISCIENT and all… he’s not asking for his benefit. He’s asking for mine. When we pause to acknowledge and confront our anger, it makes it more manageable that when we ignore it or pretend we’re not angry. Since God and I have been talking about anger for a while now, I saw his question to Cain as I looked at why I was angry.

Now? I see both conflicts that happen this week as answer to prayer. I’ve been asking God to help me overcome my anger and to help me become the peacemaker that I KNOW he’s calling me to be. I say this often: You can’t overcome that which you are willing to tolerate.

You also cannot overcome that which you run from because if God wants you to deal with it… trying to run from God never works seeing as he’s OMNIPRESENT.

This morning… God led me to Philippians 2 which I’m going to post in part II of this story arc… and not give any commentary whatsoever. I need to meditate on it, pray, and let the truth of God’s word sink in before I rush to how it applies to my life.

What Do Anger and Gardening Have in Common?

Right now… the answer is: Me.

A few weeks ago I posted about anger and how it’s the “hidden emotion” during this COVID19 crisis that we are in. Most people are focusing on dealing with the obvious emotions (fear, anxiety, and depression).

I was surprised that I couldn’t identify what I was feeling in the early days of sheltering in place. This was surprising because I’m really self-aware–which is a nicer way of saying “self-absorbed”– but still true.

I’ve made understanding my feelings an art form and a science because, in the past, if I didn’t understand what my feelings were signaling, they could lead me down a really dark path that inevitably led to suicidal thoughts. So when I kept waking up feeling something that I couldn’t identify… I asked God what it was.

And God, in his faithfulness, showed me… that I was angry.

Anger is the “hidden emotion” in many mental health diagnosis. I read a research paper on that last semester. It was eye opening. I hate to admit it, but anger is my baseline emotion. It has taken me years to develop the self-control necessary to regulate my anger.

Because I know the power of words, I keep a tight reign on mine because once they’re out there, you can’t take them back. I have been hurt by words (those said in anger as well as those that were well-meaning). A lot of my anxiety comes from fear of my own anger… fear of what I will say. Fear of my words hurting other people. OR fear of my words being dismissed as if neither my words nor I matter...so I say nothing and the anger festers.

As I pointed out in that previous post, God doesn’t tell  us not to get angry. It’s an autonomic response. It happens for some more than others, but it’s still a God-given emotion. He does tell us “in your anger do not sin.” He also tells us to “throw off the things that hinder us” and to “get rid of all bitterness, rage…,” all of which imply regulation. Our omniscient God knows that we all experience anger to varying degrees… but warns us not to let it drive the bus.

Last Friday my COM691 partner and I launched our “Save the Word Garden” segment here on this blog. The work leading up to that post was a journey in learning how to communicate, collaborate, and regulate my emotions. In order to do that, I had to use my words. That God would partner two such different people together to work on a gardening project when the whole world is in crisis is not lost on me.

Vegetables are not the only thing I want to grow. I want to grow love, joy, peace, patience, and all those other “fruits of of the Spirit,.” I do see those qualities growing in my life, but unfortunately, I see other less appealing qualities growing there as well. Anger is like  a weed, an invasive species that, like all weeds, needs to be pulled, not ignored.

This past weekend, the weed threatened to choke me. While God was teaching me how to regulate my anger with my partner, he was also dealing with it on the home front.

The walls of the complex that I live in are thin. So thin that it sometimes seems like I actually live with the very loud, very large man who lives next door. Every phone conversation, every tv show, every time he does his vocal exercises, every time he plays those flippin’ group role play games with his friends on his computer…

I hear every. single. word.

And I get mad.

When I first moved in, I didn’t want to be the new guy who complained. Besides, I wear earplugs. I also wear headphones… so if I cannot hear him, I don’t care. It’s when I can hear him through my earplugs that I go from angry to livid in 0.6 seconds…but still I say nothing. This has been going on since I moved in 7 months ago. So for seven months anger has been doing a slow creep, like an invasive species.

Over the weekend things reached a breaking point. Sunday night, it was past 11pm and he was really loud. I tried praying. I tried singing worship songs. I tried asking God to forgive me for letting rage go on a high speed chase in my mind. I was feeling so out of control that if it lasted much longer, I was going to start screaming.

And into that storm, God spoke: Use your words.

No longer thinking that God put him next door to teach me patience, forgiveness, or how to love my neighbor… the lesson clearly seemed to be “put off falsehoods and speak the truth.” SO… I sent him a text saying that it was after 11pm, that I could hear him through my earplugs, and would he please be quieter.

His response?

He immediately quieted down.

Was it REALLY that simple??

The next morning, he knocked on my door, totally apologetic. We talked about all my upcoming final projects and final papers. He wants to be sensitive to that. He said that if he was ever too loud, to just text him! As I shut the door, I did my Snoopy Dance! It took a global pandemic for me to open up my mouth and use my words.

Seven months!

Anger has been growing for seven months. He had NO idea his noise was bothering me, because I’d never told him that it was. He was unknowingly trespassing… because I’d never set a boundary. I think he was assuming that since I hadn’t said anything, it wasn’t bothering me!

My point? People are trying to be really nice cause of the whole global pandemic and all. But we, as a species, get angry. Anger is NOT the unforgivable sin. The same God who said to “love your neighbor as yourself,” ALSO said, “If your brother sins against you go to him.” He ALSO said, “IF you brother sins against you, rebuke him.” God doesn’t say to slap on a mask and fake like you’re ok. That’s lying.

God’s saying in a bunch of different words that we should: USE OUR WORDS.

I want to close with a video by Dr. Henry Cloud, author of Boundaries, that gives more insight into what anger is and why it’s necessary and useful IF handled correctly. The video is 13:4 minutes long and worth EVERY single minute of it. If you or anybody you know wrestles with anger, this is a must watch:

Neurotic and Collaboration: Grad School Final Project

School started online last week and introduced a new curve in my grad school adventure. Before the Spring break I was working on a collaborative project in my Communication 691 class: Communicating Creativity. As far as graduate school classes go, it sounded like it was going to be light and fun.

My hopes were high. I thought this would be a class where I could figure out more of the reason why God had sent me to graduate school. Instead, it has been one giant button mash. The focus has been on collaborative creativity. My problem? Neurotic people (as a unspoken rule) generally don’t play well with others.

Remember the definition of “neuroticism” that I included in my first post when I changed the name of my blog back in February? Here’s a refresher from Wikipedia:

 

Neuroticism is one of the Big Five higher-order personality traits in the study of psychology. Individuals who score high on neuroticism are more likely than average to be moody and to experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness. People who are neurotic respond worse to stressors and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy, and they may have trouble controlling urges and delaying gratification.

Nothing about that definition implies that I would be ok working on a group project that is 25% of my grade!!

God wanted me to learn how to master communication? I’m getting on the job training!

My partner and I have had some rocky moments but I’m glad we’re doing this project together. I think it’s important. We had a really good phone conference to discuss our project this morning. Wednesday we’re going to attempt a Zoom meeting. When I applied to grad school, I said that I needed to update my skill set. Who knew that God would be working on my people skills, teaching me how to manage my unruly emotions, and getting over my deeply ingrained technophobia?!

God is giving me a crash course in learning how to communicate in a season of crisis. I don’t want to waste this season whining and feeling sorry for myself. He’s teaching me how to not let any of those emotions mentioned above drive the bus. I’ll be blogging more about that project in the next few days… but for now? I’m mentally fried. I’ve been working on the midterm for that same class all day. My brain can’t process anymore.

My God sightings for today?

I talked to three really wonderful Christian women who cared enough to make themselves available to me. It would be SO easy to go back to that unhealthy form of social distancing… the kind where I’m left to my own devices inside the Bipolar Bubble where Myself and I talk Me into thinking about suicide. As long as I listen to God and let people in… I believe I’m going to be ok. I believe that if we ALL just listen to God and let people in…we’d ALL be ok!

My new normal is about letting people into my old normal. I didn’t feel alone today and though I’m still buried under a mountain of school work, I’m pleased with the work that I did. As my day ends… I’m not going to obsess about the work that was left undone. I would rather focus on the God for whom I work. Today God looked like three wonderful Christian women who cared. I’m not just learning to collaborate at school. I’m learning to collaborate and communicate with God’s other kids too!

Social distancing? Nope.

Social Solidarity!

Neurotic and “OChurch” Part I

Today has been really awesome in so many ways.

Sunday.
Church.

I love the church that God led me to when I moved to Oahu for graduate school. Before I moved from Maui I found Kaimuki Christian Church by googling churches near my new address. I visited KCC’s website and was immediately drawn in by a simple statement the new pastor made in a video to welcome visitors:
You Belong Here.

I needed to hear that.

God was asking me to give up everything (my job, my home, my car, my church, my friends)… and move to another island where I didn’t know anybody so I could attend college. I didn’t want to go to college. That was God’s idea. Not mine. IF I was going to let go of everything…I needed to know that I belonged somewhere.

As much as I love the Lord and have committed my life to following him… attending church hasn’t always been easy for me.

I cringe when I remember having “bipolar meltdowns” in church and actually running out of churches in tears.  I now know that what I was experiencing was panic attacks, but no matter what you call it… the end result was me running away from church instead of towards it. Over the years, explaining to people why I couldn’t attend church was hard. Some people couldn’t understand how a “good Christian” wouldn’t go to church. They didn’t understand that I couldn’t. In the past there was subtle and not so subtle shaming, (oh, not from many people), but I was so fragile and insecure that it didn’t take much judgment for me to back away from everybody.

I worked in a high stress, front line job. After a stressful work week… I often couldn’t handle the added external stimulation of church. The sights, the sounds, the people… put my already frayed nervous system on overload. Church triggered my anxiety. That made Monday a nightmare for me and my students. In order to be functional for them, I had to chose to rest on Sundays by not going to church. For me, church wasn’t always restful. It was overstimulating. Completely disconnecting from church, however, wasn’t an option. God had been saying “Communicate DON’T isolate” to me for years.

Before moving to Oahu, I attended New Hope Maui. My pastors understood why I couldn’t physically attend church (sometimes for month) and not once did they EVER guilt me out about it. They understood that I was emotionally/mentally incapable of being physically present. They just loved me and prayed for me when I couldn’t be there and welcomed me back when I could.

I think I mentioned how I started a messenger group on Facebook to stay connected with my New Hope ohana.  I also had a separate messenger conversation set up for my ohana at Hope Chapel North Shore which had been my church when I lived in Pa’ia. To stay connected, I would reach out to both of my ohana with prayer requests and praise reports. On Sundays, I’d message them to let them know that I was praying for them.

As COVID19 concerns sweep the country, many churches have had to redefine what attending church looks like. Church, for me, has never been about the physical building. It has always been about the people. SO… this “new normal?” Not so new to me. “O-Church,” (online Church) has been a part of my normal for a long time.

I expected to watch church and then spend the rest of the day working on my midterm… but God did something new today that I wasn’t expecting…