Now That I’ve STARTED… How DO I Mean to Go On??
Blogging is a lot like fishing.
Each post that I write is like me casting a net and hoping to catch the attention of somebody who really needs to hear what I have to say. Since next to nobody actually reads my blog, one might wonder why I do it? Why bother? I’m not the world’s best blogger.
When I first started blogging back in 2004, it wasn’t even called “blogging.” That word hadn’t been invented yet. It was called an “online journal” and since I’d been journaling since I could hold a pencil, that idea appealed to me. Surprisingly, I gathered quite a following back in the day… because my journal had all the action, drama, and romance of a telanovella… or what would happen if a train wreck and a romance novel had a baby. I became a prolific blogger, blogging everyday. Folks showed up to rubberneck my life as it spilled onto the pages of cyberspace.
This was the day of anonymous blogging and I loved it because I could offload all the toxic contents of my unquiet mind as if that online journal was a form of free therapy. I had trouble processing everything that I was experiencing (past and present) which resulted in overwhelming feelings that had to go somewhere or they’d suck me under. So I poured out all my guts in my blog hoping to heal myself.
Now we call that “transparency.” Back then, we called it TMI (too much information) and I was the TMI Queen. But I didn’t care that I was sharing some stuff that didn’t necessarily need to be aired in public. I was building an “online community” of like-minded people… and I finally had people who could understand what I was experiencing. It made me feel less alone.
My journal was on the biggest Christian online forum at the time…and I got a lot of feedback, support, and prayers from other Christians who could identify with me, who said that they didn’t think anybody else felt the way that they felt. I think they took comfort in knowing that there was somebody else out there… dysfunctional and hurting like them.
Craving community the way that I was, I didn’t stop to think that there are “three sides to every story: your side, their side, and the truth.” While everything that I have posted really happened to me, it never dawned on me that there were real people on the other end of the story that I was telling who might have a different narrative to tell.
Sadly, Younger Me hurt people. I didn’t plan to, but I did. I used my words to tear people down because they were hurting/had hurt me and my pain needed to go somewhere. Years later, I went back over and edited out every blog post that I’d ever written that didn’t honor God. But then, for a lot of years, I didn’t know what to blog about if I couldn’t process my emotional distress. I still wasn’t ok and I still needed an outlet, but I understood that using my blog for “free therapy” wasn’t free.
After having gone to grad school to study Communication and Autoethnography, I now understand what being a storyteller for Jesus means. It’s not about writing some tell-all in an effort to heal myself through cathartic writing. It’s about telling HIS story as it unfolded in my life. It’s about knowing Christ and wanting to make him known as I have sought to follow Jesus through trials, challenges, tests, temptations… and even triumphs. So, if I’m not going to blog about life as it unfolds, what’s a neurotic Christian writer who teaches s’posed to do?
This morning I was thinking about what this blog will look like moving forward.
Now? 2023-Me sees the wisdom in not airing all of my dirty laundry and secret sins online. I also recognize that words, once they are out there cannot be taken back. While I may draw from things God’s doing in my life now, I don’t need to blog to process my day or my feelings about it. While I was pretty big on reflection even back then, now I need to zoom out beyond the narrow borders of today. In true autoethnographic fashion, I plan to reflect on what God has taught me over the years, how far he’s brought me, and how he’s used everything (good, bad, ugly, and indifferent) for his glory and to transform me by changing the way that I think (Romans 12:2-3 NLT).
I want to use scripture as my filter to help me remember, reflect, and reframe this journey by drawing from things I’ve posted or written in the past. Typing is still rather painful for me. While I have lots of things I want to say… I can’t keep typing posts this long or my hand is never going to heal.
A pastor once said that when it comes to pain, we either have the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. I agree and disagree with that. I think we get a mixture of both. Scripture says that we should view all hardship as discipline (Hebrews 12:7-11) that we can learn from. So all the pain that I’ve walked through could fall under the umbrella of “discipline,” but more like the teach and train kind of discipline than the corporal punishment kind. From all accounts, discipline does not feel good but the harvest can be huge if we learn to wait for it. In the midst of discipline, most of us are inclined to ask, “Why??”
I’ve learned not to get stuck in the “why” questions. Though I believe that God doesn’t have a problem with us asking why, it’s important for our mental health that we not get stuck there. There are better questions to ask that help us move forward through the trials, challenges, tests, and traumas… that help us not only get to the other side, but catch a few folks along the way.
Questions like: What can I learn from this? How can I grow through this? And who can I help as a result of surviving this? These are WAAAAAY better questions than “Why me?” Because on a planet with 7.888 billion people… Why not me?
That being said… I still don’t know exactly what this blog is going to look like, but the hope is that the story I tell will honor God, help others seeking to know him more, and be a way for me to grow more like him in the process. Sure, it’ll feel a lot like sitting in a boat all night and not catching a single thing (Luke 5:1-11) but God designed me to write (and hopefully teach a few things along the way). So, even though it feels like I’m writing to myself… I’ll continue to blog because the Lord equipped me to do so.
And because I want to follow him, I’m going to blog whenever the Spirit leads and trust the “catch” to Jesus.
Comfort for the Neurotic in ALL of Us: 