Day 49: Learning How to ACT When I’m Angry

In my pursuit of mental wellness I’ve tried a long list of interventions to try feel better. Unfortunately some of those interventions did more harm than good. Looking back, I wish I’d been able to make informed decisions about medication rather than trauma-based decisions. When you are as desperate as I was, you will try anything because you just want the pain to stop but at what cost?

Medication in the long-term did not work for me. It created more problems than it solved. As a result, I will never voluntarily take medication to h manage my mental health ever again. I am not anti-medication though. I’m never going to tell somebody else struggling with mental health issues not to take medication. That’s a personal choice that people need to make with much prayer, counsel, and research.

I’ve had well-meaning (but ignorant) Christians guarantee me that all I had to do was “plead the blood of Jesus” or rebuke Satan and I would never struggle with depression or anxiety ever again. Having unsuccessfuly tried those things, I find such advice to be ignorant and potentially dangerous. The average lay person isn’t equipped to diagnose mental illness and shouldn’t try.

I’ve got ambiguous feelings about therapy. At times I found therapy incredibly beneficial, other times not so much. When I sought counseling services at UH Manoa first semester, I was happy to be assigned to a therapist who identified himself as Christian. Unfortunately, he moved to the mainland at the end of last semester so I found myself without trained professional help.

With home stress and school stress mounting, my primary care physician suggested counseling. He’s a member of my church, so I asked him to pray because and God answered his prayer in a totally unexpected way. I found out about a research study being conducted by the Psychology department using a form of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT. They were looking for volunteers. I did a little research on ACT and it seemed to be answer to prayer so I emailed the researcher conducting the study and volunteered to be a lab rat.

My initial Zoom interview was October 2nd. Once I learned that ACT focuses on helping you develop tools to acknowledge your emotions and learn how to regulate how you respond to them. In Christianese this could be considered a way to “take your thoughts captive.” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Repeating 2 Cor10:5 like a mantra has never worked for me. James says in chapter 1 verse 22: Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

I see a lot of Christians quoting scripture but not doing what it says. Since I’m guilty of doing that at times… I’m not pointing any fingers, I’m confessing. I want my actions to line up with my words. This ACT training seems like a valuable tool add to my toolbox as I actively pursue mental health.

When I got my formal invitation to participate in the study I was excited. Even though it’s an anonymous study, I get to add my voice and my story to the existing body of research so in a small way, I’m helping other people struggling with mental illness. My two-hour pre-assessment was yesterday. I really like the therapist assigned to my case because she put me at ease. Since we’ll be doing weekly one-hour sessions for next ten weeks, that’s a good thing.

That this is happening while I’m working on my thesis proposal is a God-thing. My stress has been really high and I know that I need help.

My friends are great and I know that they love me, but it’s not fair to use your friends as therapists because they aren’t. My pastors are cool too, but we’re living in “unprecedented times.” Everybody is dealing with COVID related angst (among other stressors). My pastors have their hands full helping people with people with bigger problems than mine.

Besides, I don’t want anybody to feel like they have to take responsibility for my mental health. That is my responsibility. I’m tired of falling into those dark places where suicide seems like an option. Granted, I don’t fall into those dark valleys very often which is a vast improvement from those days when all I thought about for weeks and months on end was finding a guaranteed way to die… but I want to get to the point where I don’t ever have those thoughts.

Years ago, a therapist told me that I might always have suicidal thoughts. Well-meaning, but soul-crushing. Essentially I was my own stalker. This kept me in constant fear of what I might eventually do to myself under too much pressure.

Now? I don’t believe. God started giving me practical tools that I could use to “renew my mind” (Romans 12:2). God used growth mindset theory and design thinking principles in conjunction with my faith not instead of, to transform my mind and my life. After everything I’ve experienced in the past five years, I believe (with less and less doubt every day) that mental wellness isn’t just a pipe dream for me it’s going to be a reality.

But…I’m not there… yet.

Anger and rage are still my base-level emotions. Communal living is a huge and distressing trigger. I don’t want to be a slave to rage anymore. Getting angry isn’t a sin… but camping there is. Scripture says that when I let anger drive the bus I’m being a fool (Ecclesiastes 7:8-9). Think about it. When I camp in my anger, the only person I hurt is myself. Foolish, right? God’s been speaking to me through 1 Corinthians 13:11 for decades telling me that it’s time to put childish ways of handling my emotions behind me.

So… I’m thinking this ACT study may be just the thing I need!

Today is Day 49 and I want God to show me how to act rather than react to people and situations that trigger my anger. Prayers are greatly appreciated!!

Comfort Food: 2 Corinthians 1: 1-11

As I’ve tried to respond to life’s challenges, I’ve often gotten it wrong. I’ve often tried to “self-medicate” to feel better. I hate that word. People use that word to cover up all kinds of dysfunctional, hurtful, and sinful behavior. There is no medicine involved here.

For now, I’m not going to rehash what I did to “self-medicate” or “comfort” myself when life got overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hide from my past. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I’m choosing not to camp there in this post. This post is about “comfort food.”

I’ve been hurt by well-meaning people who wanted to “comfort” me, but didn’t know how. You’ll often see me use the term “well-meaning, but soul-crushing advice.” I didn’t coin the term, but I like it. It was because I wanted to avoid this discomfort that I isolated myself and tried to do life alone. Just to be clear, when I say, “alone” I mean me and Jesus.

Accepting Jesus into my life on January 1, 1994 was the smartest thing I ever did. But it didn’t make all my problems go away. Life is full of problems. The only way not to have problems is to die… and my time isn’t up yet. Jesus wants to show me how to live life abundantly, so that the challenges of life can’t push me from being merely neurotic to being full-blown mentally ill. I’m actually ok with being neurotic. It’s part of my charm. I’m not ok with being mentally ill.

Walking with Jesus has meant that I’ve always had 24/7 access  — 367 days of the year  to the Source of all comfort. One scripture I learned early in my walk with Jesus has been a rock of truth upon which I stand. And the cool thing about truth… once it’s embedded in your heart, nobody can take in from you, no matter what happens in life. This truth is comfort food for me:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ( 2 Corinthians 1:1-11)

Not only is there comfort in knowing that God is just waiting to comfort me… but that he can bring beauty out of the ashes of my life by allowing my life to comfort others.

I would like to note that Christians need more discernment when it comes to trying to “comfort” people struggling with mental health issues. What might comfort somebody else may not comfort them. It might actually be a trigger. I’ve had to learn the hard way how to communicate to people what is and isn’t comforting… what is and isn’t helpful. Because of ignorance (my own and that of well-meaning people) I got hurt and retreated into  my “Bipolar Bubble” to avoid more pain.

Isolation is the absolute worst thing anybody can do whether you are neurotic or not. God never meant for man to live alone. Right now? God is comforting me by giving me the discernment to know who to invite into my adventure and how to ask them for help. It’s a communication issue.

Now…instead of drowning in the waves that crash upon my life, I am learning how to become a “wave walker” by using my voice to reach out to healthy community. And as God works through his body (the church), to address the external factors that cause me to morph from being neurotic to mentally ill… there is great comfort in that.

Day 7: Don’t Hate Me Because I’m a “HSP.”

Today is Day 7. I cannot believe how far God has brought me, yet I also cannot believe how much still needs to be done. It’s not just finishing up the final two papers… there are other things that need to be done, but since I won’t be getting them done tonight, I’ll let them go until God tells me to pick them up again.

There is much that I want to say, but it’s been a long day. I’m tired. I could post more songs that are playing on my internal soundtrack, but I find that videos spoke to me more today While I was at the library I took a break. I do not have the stamina of these kids where I can sit for hours and cram for hours without my body or my mind paying the price. Seeing as the room was spinning when I woke up this morning, I’m counting it as a win that I even made it to the library. Did I get as much done as I’d planned? Nope. But did I do what God needed me to do?

I believe I did.

Part of that obedience meant watching a video that I have saved on YouTube. I pull it out periodically to watch it because, while I like it and it speaks to me, because of my memory deficits, I don’t remember what the speaker says. Every time I watch it, it’s like seeing it for the very first time. I’m going to share it now because it’s a relevant puzzle piece that I will be revisiting over the summer when I reflect on this adventure God sent me on back in April of last year. HE knew what he was asking me to do. HE knew/knows what I’m like and the challenges I’d face… and he sent me ANYWAY. And in the process of walking out this day-to-day obedience under conditions I didn’t think I could handle, I have come to know myself and my God better. Knowing God is the definition of “abundant life.”

I have always hated that I am such an emotional person. It has seemed counterproductive and illogical. To my very logical and systematic way of thinking, my life has never really made sense to me. My place in this world always seemed to be in question. There hasn’t been a thing about me that I haven’t wanted to change if given the chance. It has been very uncomfortable living in my skin.

Good made me a highly sensitive person for a reason… and not to make my life harder than it had to be. I did that all by myself. Can’t go blaming God for that. It has been in resisting how he made me and trying to hide from people and myself that I’ve authored a lot of my distress.

Accepting how God made me is to partner with him and the beginning of a whole new adventure where I stop telling him “I can’t because…” and start believing that he knew what the job was and sent the right person to do it. He didn’t send me to college in SPITE of me. He sent me to college BECAUSE I’m me.

Having said that… another video that I watched today came to me. God directs my gaze to things I need to see, IF I will let him and there are some things I hope to never forget, and with the wonders of technology, I’ve got an external memory if I do. This video made me cry. I challenge you to watch it and NOT cry.

Today is Day 7… and I’m still not comfortable in my own skin, but God’s working on that!

Day 20: OChurch! April 26th

God has been blowing my mind ALL. DAY. LONG.

Today has been surreal cool. After the way that my week ended… I wouldn’t have wanted to go to church in the past. I would’ve been reeling from the button mash that was Friday. Honestly? This morning when I woke up, I didn’t want to go to church. I wanted to get started on my paper. It’s due in four days and while I’ve done a lot of the leg work… that’s a far cry from actually doing the paper.

I had a bad dream last night. It was triggered by the events of Friday, so I KNOW that God is prompting me to open up my mouth and use the voice that he gave me. But get up to church I did because…seriously? Almost ALL of them are online! No excuses. I’m still processing all the amazing that God downloaded into my spirit today… so I’m going to post what I put on Facebook this morning:

 

Good Morning Ohana!

If you don’t have a church to attend… consider visiting Kaimuki Christian Church, Wellsprings Covenant Church, Hope Chapel North Shore, New Hope Maui, Hope Chapel Kihei, King’s Cathedral Maui, Upcountry Christian Fellowship, Inspire Church, or Waipuna Chapel.

I LOVE ALL of these churches and though they are very different in how they worship…they ALL still serve the same God.

They all have church messages that you can access online by going to their websites at any time of day if you cannot show up to a service streaming live.

Now that so many churches offer services online… you no longer have the excuse that you don’t feel comfortable going into a church… or that you don’t feel like you will fit in. The beauty of online church is that you can go in your pajamas in your living room if you want!!!

Now… in THIS season… whatever your reasons for not seeking Jesus or not pressing in to a deeper relationship with him GET OVER THEM.

Seriously? We’re in the middle of a global pandemic. Nobody gets an immunity card on this. Seeing as our days are not guaranteed to us, if I DIDN’T already know God…now would be a good time to get acquainted.

For all those folks who don’t believe in Jesus… let’s just supposed that he ISN’T real.

Then I’ve lost NOTHING by trying to live my life according to his teachings. The effort has actually made me a better person. I used to be a total rat bag. Now I’m just a partial one.

So again, I say… if he’s NOT real, then I haven’t lost anything.

But if he IS real and you… or somebody you know and love (God forbid) got COVID19… and died…then you’ve lost EVERYTHING.

Today is Day 20... and it’s NEVER too late to turn your face towards the Son.

 

Drowning on Dry Land part II

*This post originated as am email that I wrote to my Pastor’s wife, also a brilliant pastor in her own right. I wrote it because I started to “drown on dry land” this morning and decided to seek out my own First Responder by being my own First Responder.
Here’s that email: (11-13 minute read)

Hi CS,

You may come to regret telling me to email you whenever I wanted to… but until you say otherwise… I see you as a God-given gift to help me process/press through the current functional limitations and practical barriers that I am experiencing this first week at UH.

Just to be clear: All people are gifts from God and he’s putting new gifts on my path every day. I do not see you as the only gift, so please don’t feel like it’s all on you. As I said yesterday after church, I do not expect you to fix me. I just ask you to pray. And as I’ve said before… I don’t always even need an email response from you because IF you pray, God WILL answer and realistically speaking? God’s response if the one that matters most to me anyway. Yesterday, at church, God answered so many of my prayers by addressing some foundational/functional problems and in doing so, he diminished a LOT of my angst.

The verses that God has been impressing upon me to walk out are:

“Do not be afraid, I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (emphasis mine). Isaiah 41:10

and

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understandings. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Do not be impressed by your own wisdom. Instead fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will find healing for your body and strengthen your bones. Proverbs 3:5-7 (NLT)

Talking to you yesterday was a big fat warm fuzzy from God. I’d been telling him that I just needed people who resonated with me. Maybe not on the exact same spiritual/emotional/intellectual frequency as me, but with enough common ground that I didn’t feel like I was drowning on dry land. Talking to you felt like God throwing me a life preserver after my boat hit the iceberg. You are never going to know JUST how much I needed that brief conversation with you to put the past three years of struggle into context and perspective. THANK YOU for approaching me. I never would’ve approached you.

That being said, I am working to overcome some major barriers this morning. I took this step of faith in coming to UH knowing that it would cause me major anxiety but believing that I could overcome it through communication. If I ignore these very real problems, I WILL end up depressed, because my own understanding is limited. I am dismayed that I don’t know any of the stuff they are expecting me to already know — but I can’t camp there. Doing so only fuels my panic. That I spent 30 years living in the “Bipolar Bubble” is an explanation for why I am so ignorant, but it’s not an excuse to stay there.

Right now, I’m asking for prayer, but in the context of praying, if God speaks to you to give me wise counsel, I will be open to hearing and weighing what you say. How can you pray for me?

Right now, would you be praying about:

• • Intellectual Humility: I do NOT understand the syllabus for Com 643 or how to locate the required reading online. I do NOT understand the reading from Com 611 at all. I did NOT print the material for Com 633 properly, so the copy I have is basically worthless. I will either have to spend money to copy it again or muddle my way through it online. The anxiety this is making me feel SUCKS! I will have to humble out and tell the Com 643 Prof that I have NO idea what she means on the syllabus.

    APA style?? How to use library databases?? Google Docs?? Google Scholar? Zotero? Sonocent??? I feel like I need an English language translator just to get on the playing field, let alone trying to level Pray that I would humble out intellectually and admit to the “powers that be” here, that I don’t get it and not just because I have a disability. All the accommodations in the world cannot hide the fact that I just don’t understand the concepts because I lack the necessary foundations.

• • Reading/Comprehension: Recap: I lack the background knowledge/vocabulary to understand what I’m reading. This fuels anxiety which affects my ability to process what I am reading. Undergraduate Me freaked out about this because my fixed mindset hit a wall. I felt ashamed and discouraged. I didn’t seek help and ended up getting lower grades. I flunked Math 16A, 16B, and 16A again before I just stopped taking math classes at Berkeley. Failure was to be avoided at all cost, but since it found me anyway, I responded by getting depressed and suicidal.

    Growth Mindset Older Me… knows that failure is powerful. I’m probably going to get a fail on my first few papers. It’s ok that I don’t get it… yet. I will get something if I don’t punk out and quit. Sure, it took me 4 hours yesterday to read one Com 633 article because I had to keep looking everything up, but I finished it and felt good about it. I’ve now got a bunch of new words and concepts in my intellectual backpack that I didn’t have before. Pray about my ability to read and comprehend, but also about my retention… because most of what I read is already gone the way of the wind.

• Technologically Challenged: I am a technophobe, meaning all things technology make me anxious: computers, cellphones, smart tvs?? I hate them all, but I need them in order to be able to do the work that God has called me to do. I’m a communicator who is afraid to use the existing technology to communicate. When technology doesn’t work properly or breaks down, it freaks me out and makes me anxious. Asking people to pray about my anxiety is a start, but actually telling them WHY I’m anxious and asking them to help me will yield more results than just praying. Christians are supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus. God means for his people to do the work of helping each other in actions and not just words.People pray for me all the time and I love I pray for people all the time too.

  Yet “faith without deeds is dead” (James 2:14-22), so if people can actually help with my practical needs, I need to let them, but first I need to communicate what those needs are. If they choose to help me, cool. If they don’t… then I need to accept the fact that God has a different plan (Plan G) and not waste time getting upset or wounded when I communicate my needs and people don’t or can’t help me.

  Me? I have learned to be proactive about finding mentors/support to help me overcome challenges/barriers. I’ve spent my first few weeks here reaching out to people who I thought could help me navigate this journey. Some of them are Christian. Most of them are not. God didn’t send me here to camp out in a Christian saltshaker. Besides, Christians haven’t cornered the market on being helpful, knowledgeable, or caring.

  **I’d like to give a shout out to my Malia my Disability Coordinator because SHE ROCKS! Professor Mawyer is also pretty danged cool. With their help and the help of my Interim Advisor, professors, and department support staff, I am going to communicate my way through this swirling mass of confusion and emotion to finish the race I came here to run.

  But tech? Tech is different. I put my head in the sand and hope that tech problems will go away. Avoiding these issues never helps. Case in point: I couldn’t figure out how to work the “smart tv” and it kept turning on at odd hours until I asked the guy next door for help. My brand-new laptop is malfunctioning and needs to be replaced. My cellphone is about to die. I KNOW I need to address these problems before they become BIGGER problems, but I’m paralyzed with fear, anxiety, and indecision fueled by my complete and total ignorance where technology is concerned. That and the fact that I’m on student loans. I have to be a good steward of the money that I have and making unwise tech decisions is not good stewardship.

  I’m afraid to go shopping for tech by myself.

  When I replaced my cellphone three years ago a friend from church went with me. I just need somebody to help me navigate the techno babble the salesperson would invariably spew out that I wouldn’t understand. I also cannot decide if I should buy a printer or use the campus library printing services. My professors aren’t having us use textbooks! Everything is available online, but I can’t read and process scholarly information online!

  Given the workload, I could end up spending a small fortune printing, but if I buy a printer, there are downsides to that as well. Additionally, the small screen on my new (defective) laptop is too hard for me to read… so do I try to get this one replaced (since it’s still under warranty) or do I look for something else to meet my computer needs?

  I don’t even know what’s out there or what would be the best tool for the work at hand. OR… here’s a novel thought: Do I pray and ask God to help me renew my mind so that I can actually see, read, process, store, and recall the information ONLINE thereby eliminating the need to print everything in the first place??!!!

  So… here I sit on Labor Day anxiety ridden over work I can’t hope to complete by class time tomorrow. The longer I focus on what I don’t know, can’t do, and don’t have, the more I feed my anxiety. At some point, I am going to have to seek wise counsel about what to do. In my mind, that means reaching out to somebody who actually understands technology, who can advise me on what to buy and go with me when I buy it.

  I reached out on Sunday at the new bible study that I went to after church — The guy sitting next to me is IT!!! I asked him to pray about the underlying causes of my tech related fear and anxiety because the tech problems are just the tip of the iceberg. Surrendering my need for control, intellectual pride/humility, and communicating in the middle of the storm rather than isolating is at the heart of the matter.

  I want to be a motivational speaker focusing on overcoming barriers to successful living and it can’t just be an intellectual exercise because people who are actually struggling with barriers have really big BS detectors. It can’t be just a bunch of untested regurgitated theory. If I want to show people how to “walk the walk.” I have to walk it first. But I can’t just communicate with my friends, my church family, and my blog audience.  I will also need to constantly communicate with my professors and other resourceful people on campus because this whole “drowning on dry land” thing SUCKS! (see “Drowning on Dry Land part I)

  SO… CS…if you aren’t already regretting telling me that I could email you any time would you pray?  Prayer would definitely be appreciated. But if it comes to the point that you actually can help me practically with any of these concerns, I welcome your help even if it’s just pointing me in the direction of somebody at church who has the knowledge and expertise to help me. I’m glad I reached out last week by emailing you. Thank you for reaching back yesterday!

Overcoming Barriers: Communicate DON’T Isolate Part I

When you struggle with depression or anxiety or any other mental illness communication becomes one of the biggest barriers. Shame, fear, worry, anxiety… pride? It doesn’t matter why people stop communicating when they struggle with mental illness, it matters that they have stopped communicating.

When I weaned off the lithium in 2016, God impressed it upon me that I should “Communicate NOT isolate” because isolation kills.

Yesterday was my birthday and amidst all the birthday well wishes on Facebook, I had to navigate some pretty big triggers to anxiety and panic… and I didn’t want to tell anybody. People were wishing me well and praying that I would have a wonderful birthday… I didn’t want to ruin it by sharing my anxiety. My birthday was “filled with wonder”… but stuff like I wonder what I’m doing here? I wonder WHY God brought me so far out of my comfort zone to even attempt grad school? I wonder WHAT was I was thinking??

ALL manner of anxiety was trying to overtake me but it didn’t. I wanted to blog about it but I was too exhausted by the end of the day wrestling with the latest challenges. Then my computer died! Rather than give in to panic and isolate, I texted a friend to pray. I posted via my phone of Facebook asking for prayer and after an hour of certain death, my computer was resurrected! Why was it so easy to ask for prayer for my computer, but not for myself?? I have NO idea what that computer drama was all about, but it did prompt me to communicate. I’ve been communicating all morning via email because I’m not going to make the same mistakes that I made as an undergrad when my mental illness first manifested.

I’ve also learned one important lesson over the years about communication: It is important to use discernment about who you communicate with and what you communicate. Not everybody is able to or even willing to help you. Some people will mistake your need to communicate for an open invitation to try to “fix” you. It is important to know who are the best people to talk to and that takes prayer. Blogging wasn’t what I needed last night because it’s essentially like talking to myself. This morning I needed to be proactive in connecting with people who can actually help me navigate through the things that make me anxious about this new adventure.

That has also given me an idea of how to chronicle this journey in my blog. With school starting up… I may not have time to just blog, but I will be communicating. In order to recount what happened yesterday and what will be happening throughout the semester, I’m going to include communications that I share with other people (with names changed) to show what God is walking me through and how. It will serve as a reminder to me… but might also encourage somebody else who’s struggling by giving them examples of how to communicate through the barriers rather than let them become insurmountable walls.

It is not a sin to have problems but letting your problems blind you to the bigness of God sure is. When I make my problems bigger than God, I’m worshiping an idol. Some Christians believe it’s wrong to even admit that you have problems because we’re supposed to “be thankful in all things.” They slap on a mask and act like everything is ok.

Me? I would much rather identify my problems and my barriers and prayerfully give them to God then seek his purposes and plans on how to move me through them. SO… after I prayed this morning, one of my first email communications was with my Disability Coordinator at Kokua Program. In the interest of brevity… I’m going to include my communication with her in my next post.

One final note:

Kokua means “help.” It’s deeper meaning, however, is to extend help to others in a sacrificial way, with no intent of personal gain. It means to cooperate and pitch in without regard for self and to have consideration for others. The word kokua may also be used to refer to a person who helps or a caregiver.

Are you struggling with mental illness?? Kokua yourself by communicating rather than isolating. Know somebody who is struggling?? Kokua them by being a safe person with whom they can communicate. Then once they do… pray and ask God what is his purpose and plan for helping them. Let’s take the stigma out of being a Christian who struggles with mental health issues!

Day 56: The Resistance to Stress

This morning my swim instructor called me a champion.
It has taken me over a year to conquer my extreme terror in the water,
and I’m still nowhere near where I want to be…
but I impressed her this morning and she let me know it.
She said that watching me overcome my fear
in the short time that she’s known me
is what makes her job worthwhile.

Since I can see how far I’ve come,
her praise mattered to me.

I’m falling asleep at the keyboard,
so while there was so much that I wanted
to write about…
It’s going to have to wait until tomorrow.

She said something that one of my students used to say and I’ll end on that:

FEAR is either “Face Everything And Run” or “Face Everything And Recover.”

My student would say “Rise,” but my swim coach is in AA, so her focus in on recovery. Mine is too. I’m recovering from an addiction to  Fear.

There are 56 days left before I am supposed to start at the University of Hawaii on Oahu. God said to step out of the boat and I did. And now I’m looking at a bunch of scary waves because I don’t have money or housing. I am stressed out and afraid. People keep talking to me about a “climate of miracles.” I just want people to stop talking about miracles and actually step up to be a part of making my miracle happen. Even small donations will have a big impact. I’ve raise $245 so far and there have been 88 Facebook shares and I will not despise the day its small beginnings… but I can’t live off of $245. People want to know why I’m anxious. THIS is why I’m anxious.

Yet each day, God is slowly revealing pieces of the larger puzzle to me that help move me closer to the endgame… and while fear would tell me that this season cannot possibly end well…

My time in the pool this morning was all about recovering, not running.

I coined a new quote off an old favorite:

Faith is RESISTANCE to stress; the MASTERY of stress; not the ABSENCE of stress!!

Today is Day 56 and I am stressed. Yet, I’m facing my fears every day by staring at the Son. I am a champion and I will continue to face my fears every single day because running is not an option. I am a woman of great faith… not in what I expect God to do for me, but faith in who HE is.

Day 75: God’s BIGGER

For the past three days I’ve gone to a conference each night hosted by an awesome church in town. It’s their five year anniversary and they wanted to do it up RIGHT! I heard about it about a month ago and I KNEW that I was supposed to be there…. and I was not wrong!

I am still floating off the cloud God parked me on the past few nights. I’m tired, yet exhilirated. Overwhelmed… but not overcome. Filled to my capacity to comprehend what I’ve heard, but not filled to the limit of what God can and will do through with my yielded life…

And all that’s to say is that I have SO much that I would WANT to post tonight… but it’s 10:30 and I’m tired. If I stay up into the wee hours writing this… I’m going to be physically useless tomorrow. As incredible as the past three days have been… God didn’t pour all of that into ME just for me. He intends for me to write about it… to share testimony of the goodness, glory, and HUGE-ness of the God that I serve and love.

And to do that…. to write all that is in me to write… I NEED time. I need sleep.

Tomorrow I am not going to church again. I know that bothers some people. I know it doesn’t make sense to some people… because all “good Christians” go to church. I am a good Christian, but in this season of my life, God has called me to press into community, but I have needed to step back from formal church. I could keep trying to explain to people why I need to do this… or I can let them believe what they want to believe about me and my walk with Jesus.

I do feel led to say that I’m not in crisis. Last weekend I went to a woman’s retreat and an old friend got worried when she didn’t hear from me. She sounded the alarm via text asking a bunch of my other friends if I was ok.

Honestly? It was embarrassing… but when suicide and depression are a part of your testimony, people are going to wonder if they don’t hear from you. My Friday and Saturday were so amazing… I had no time to reach out and by Sunday, I had no energy. I was trying to process all that God had sown into me. I had to send a text apologizing for alarming anybody. That made me angry because I am tired of apologizing for having mental health issues that make me different. Different… however is NOT bad. Unity does NOT mean conformity. And God’s telling me that in this season, I need to be still on Sundays. He’s telling me through Ecclesiastes that NOW is a season to write.

Hopefully, I will get to a place in my life where I no longer have to say that I’m not in crisis. But knowing that people who have walked these waves WITH me have had cause in the past to fear for my safety, I will glady rejoice in the fact that I AM NOT IN CRISIS and tell as many people as I can so that I can share testimony of what Jesus did to lead me out of the dark valley that I used to inhabit.

I used to hate that suicidal ideation and depression were a part of my testimony… but because they ARE a part of my wheelhouse, I am going to be able to minister to other “good Christians” like me who struggle with going to church but want with all their hearts to be able to do so. Going to church because you’ve been pressured or guilted out? How does this glorify Jesus? How is God magnified? When I am able to go to church, I go for one reason only: to love the Lord.

For so many years (up until the very recent present), walking through the doors of formal church was like stepping on to a minefield. Mindfield is more like it because the battle that I was caught up in couldn’t been seen by anybody else in the room but me. Formal church still has so many triggers that when I AM in crisis, it’s the last place I want to be because it is impossible to try to “embrace” all of those triggers simultaneously because it would be the emotional equivalent of being hit by mutliple rounds of an active shooter.

On Sundays like that… I’d limp out of church feeling worse than I did when I went it and that made it that much easier for Satan to attack me. What kind of “good Christian” goes to church and struggles with all the stuff that I would struggle with?? SURELY… that meant I wasn’t a “good Christian!” And once THAT lie was planted in the fertile soil of my mind… it was that much easier to make me question if I was even saved at all. This is NOT how I feel now, but it IS how I thought for a lot of years and the well-meaning but soul crushing words of believers who kept trying to guilt me into going to church didn’t help.

I’m not big on talking about Satan’s motives because I do not want to minimize God by maximizing him… but God wants his people to go to church. He wants his body to be unified. He wants his bride to be a reflection of his love to a fallen world… so with all THAT riding on the line… might it be possible that Satan isn’t going to camp outside the doors of the church to keep the hurting seekers out? Might it be possible that he will actually come right in the front doors and then launch a full scale attack on the unsuspecting once they find a comfortablea  seat? Some of the worst attacks on my mind and my spirit didn’t happen at home. They happened in church which only made me feel like I was some sort of demon spawn.

Getting to church isn’t always easy for me. STAYING in church has been harder. There are few things worse than being in a church full of people while getting attacked in your spirit by Satan… and having nobody notice. There have been times when I went to church and felt like I was drowning and because my walls used to be so thick… nobody even knew that there was a problem. I have lost track of the number of times that I ran out of churches in a hysterical fit of blind panic because I thought I was having a “bipolar meltdown.” I now suspect that most of that was really bad anxiety attacks brought on by the fact that I’m claustrophobic.

Whatever the cause… that feeling like the walls were closing in on me felt real. Feeling like I couldn’t breathe in church when God IS the air that I breathe… is a horrible feeling. Not knowing what would trigger it or when it might happen made the THOUGHT of going to church full of anxiety.

This doesn’t make sense to some people. And as verbal and as eloquent as I am… I cannot convince people that mental illness in the church needs something that the church doesn’t always know how to provide. Yet. There are people who have mental health struggles greater than mine… who desperately need to be in a church, but until the church gets a revelation on how to care for these walking wounded… I’m going to be the LAST person to make a blanket statement that EVERYBODY ALWAYS needs to be in church.

People like me… who have struggled with depression and suicidal ideation need to stop being ashamed of what’s in our wheelhouse. Jesus didn’t come to heal the healthy. He came to heal the sick… and I used to be REALLY sick. That Jesus has transformed my life from the place of darkness that I used to live in is cause for celebration and I aim to celebrate… when this current battle is over. I have 75 more days until I leave the emotional battle field that is teaching… and God has given me my orders: lean into community. I have been obedient to that.

The past two weekends God has drawn me into amazing community. I was surrounded by other believers from many different church denominations in worship of our Lord and though a lot of my triggers were activated… I was able to embrace the crap outta’ them. All three nights were AMAZING… and tonight God moved me. He changed my mind about the barriers in my life that seem so looming.

He’s also stress accountability. There are NO Lone Rangers in the faith. I’m not trying to be one. I’m not hiding from people just because I’m not going to church. When people point out that they haven’t seen me, I want to say, “I haven’t been hiding. Did you bother to look?” I’ve made myself accountable to people who have been a part of my life for the long haul. I’ve made myself accountable to my pastors. I have NEVER felt LESS alone in my life.

There will be people who “open the book of my life to the middle” and try to tell me how to live. There will be people who take exception to my blunt way of speaking and try to correct me. That is part of what it means for me to be a writer who teaches. People are always going to read my words and try to tell me how to be me.

Ok… it’s now 11:19 and THIS is me being too tired to write. I could say more — it’s pretty obvious that I’m on a role, but I still need to go to sleep. And I’m STILL to wired to do so. I need to start powering down. THAT’S the one downside to all this external stimulation — I’m to overwhelmed to sleep. If I get three hours of sleep tonight, I’ll be lucky. If I get five, I’ll be happy. If, by some miracle, I sleep seven hours… it will be an act of God.

My final thought… the message tonight??? I needed to hear it: God is BIGGER.

I intend to unpack that and all the other stuff God downloaded over the past two weeks that is meant to be shared… but I really DO need to be still now. Editing? Not gonna happen! Good night and God bless!!

Bipolar Waiting to Exhale

A thought has been occuring to me.
I’m not sure if it is an original thought…
but it’s rooted in scripture
and it keeps crossing my mind
so I might as well let it out into the light:

It takes JUST as much courage to wait as it does to rush in.

…and this thought has been holding
hands with another thought
for months now,
so I might as well let that one out too:

Don’t mistake self-discipline for fear.

 

Psalm 27:14

Spiritual Attack… or Answered Prayer Part II

Yesterday I got hit by what would’ve been a huge emotional wave for me two weeks ago. Fortunately, last weekend I went to a woman’s conference called the IF: Gathering. It’s built around the premise of: IF what we believe about Jesus is REALLY REAL…
THEN…

I like IF/THEN statements.

They are logical to me. They make sense to me.

IF Jesus is REALLY God…
IF Jesus REALLY did die on the cross for the forgiveness of sins…
IF JESUS is all that the bible says that he is…

THEN that has to shape the way that I live my life.
THEN that should shape the way all Christians live their lives.
THEN that should impact the world for God.

I went to last year’s conference and it inspired me. THEN I got hit by a wave of trials unlike I had ever experienced. The hits just kept on coming the ENTIRE year. It was really bad. I prayed a lot of prayers for deliverance that seemed to go unanswered. It made me confront the BIG IF in the middle of my spiritual house:

IF what I believe about Jesus is true… THEN how do I handle the waves that come into my life that never let up?? Is Jesus still LORD of my life EVEN IF the healing never comes? EVEN IF the answer to my prayers is, a resounding, “NO.” EVEN IF all my plans fall through, my heart gets broken, friends betray me??? EVEN IF I have to surrender my pride and my reputation???

I’ve seen people walk away from Jesus because everything didn’t go their way. They were “on fire” for Jesus until the fires in their lives got turned up. They didn’t want to obey the commands of Jesus as much as they wanted to experience the emotional hype of worshipping him. I always used to be afraid that I’d be one of those believers who gives in to “end times apostasy” which is a fancy term for saying that in the end times people are going to punk out. People who used to say that they loved Jesus with all their heart will find out that their love would grow cold in the face of trials, tribulation, and persecution because they had created a “comfortable gospel” where Jesus was cool with them doing whatever seemed right in their own eyes.

This is not the God we serve IF we do, indeed, serve the God of the bible. How do we know if we serve him? Seek him out in the bible. See if you believe what it written about God’s character and nature… and not just the warm fuzzy bits that help you get your Kumbaya’yas on. God of the bible is the same today, yesterday, and today… which causes some people to stumble. I have to admit that parts of God’s character and nature are awe inspiring in a good way… and other aspects of the Living God are scary… but that’s for another day/another blog post.

I heard this teacher, Ann Voskamp, speak at the 2019 IF: Gathering. She spoke passionately about “Wave Walkers,” women who were not afraid to confront the waves in their lives by surrendering their boat and “falling forward” into the love of God. Falling forward into intimacy that can only come by falling into his Word.

Because of the truth of this teaching… yesterday wasn’t a wave. It was a ripple. It hurt, but I was not devastated by it. I have chosen to surrender my boat and be obedient to the commands of Jesus as they apply to the season of life that he has me in right now.

I have said and done things that offended people who were doing things that would offend God. I believed that I was being obedient to speak the truth in love. Many people say that they want the truth, but I found out the hard way that not everybody can handle the truth. I pray very carefully before I speak because I know that words, once spoke or written, can never be taken back. I do not regret anything that I have said. “My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t make me innocent.” I know me. I always need to check my motives and make myself accountable to God and the body of Christ. I’ve invited people I trust to speak into this season and correct me if need be. I have apologized where I needed to, but I am not backing down.

Because of yesterday, I am pausing to be still today and seek God. I’m exhausted. I need to write, sleep, fast, and pray today. Because I am a literary processor who believes in stewarding her prayers by journaling, I looked back at a journal from last May:

LORD! Show me how to carry this burden like a true First Responder — in courage and wisdom; with power, a sound mind, and self-discipline. Give me the kind of vision that exceeds my rational self-protective instincts and catapults me into my destiny.” 

And if THAT wasn’t enough… just below that I prayed Hebrews 11:33-4 over myself:

LORD! Help me overthrow kingdoms, rule with justice, and get what you promised.  Help me shut the mouths of lions, quenched the flames of fire, and escape death by the edge of the sword. Turn my weaknesses into strengths. Help me to be strong in battle and cause whole armies to flee. May I receive my loved one back from death.

Is it any WONDER my life unfolds the way that it does??? That sounded all noble and courageous, but what I was actually doing was praying for trials!!! I actually remember as a zealous new believer asking God to give the kind of faith like Paul and Silas had so that I could still praise him from behind prison walls!! PRAISE GOD my prision was mental illness and not some actual prison in some third world mission field!!!

As a result of these prayers and the trials that followed, I now see trials, tests, and conflicts as opportunities for exponential growth… IF we would but surrender to God and seek HIS perspective and HIS will rather than lean on our own understandings. Out of context, my life looks like one long string of spiritual attacks. But what I see is God at work. IF you actually know me or you’ve been following The Adventures for some time… ask the question with me for my life and your own:

When times get tough… might God be answering some of your prayers to transform your life and refine your heart??

Two names of God that help me persevere is The Divine Gardner (who prunes me so I can bear more fruit) and The Refiner (who knows how to purify my heart without me being mortally burned in whatever fiery furnace he leads me to). This has helped me persevere in the face of trials, now it’s helping me endure because the this season is coming to an end soon. If I had punked out, I would’ve missed seeing God do amazing transformation in my life.

Christians! Do not despise the day of the small, medium, and large trials. Do not despise trials. The most growth happens through times of trial and struggle. Steward your prayers by writing the really big ones down, then periodically go back over them to see what God did in response. We often talk about what other people did to us; what life is doing to us; what the enemy is doing to us. Why give them so much power over us?? “God is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me???”

Your current trial or challenge??? Spiritual Attack or Answered prayer??? I’m inclined to think it’s both.

The over arching question that keeps us walking on top of the waves rather than drowning under them, however, has to be: What is GOD doing in the midst of all these things???

I use the “royal WE…” but I mean I. I need to magnify God rather than my trials. I need to seek God in the midst of my challenges with expectant hope rather than a glum fatalism.

Ok… I do mean the “royal WE.” Scripture says that WE are children of the Living King. That makes each and every believer a member of the royal family. When trials come WE cannot continue to be overcome by them. WE might fall seven times, but WE need to get back up knowing that WE are “seated with God in heavenly places.”

We might not see it. We might not feel it. Everything in our lives and in our hearts may be screaming the exact opposite, but IF what the bible says about Jesus is true, THEN it is ALSO true about us:  We are more than conquerors.

IF we believe Jesus to be true…
THEN… WE need to sit up and act like it.