How to Be Like the ACTS 2 Church Part II

I was nervous when I hit “send.”

My new ohana group? I’ve only been in it since last September… and I dropped out in February when they opted to do the “Vertical Marriage” couples study. I got a copy of the book. When I saw that there was a chapter on “God in the Bedroom,” I knew that I needed to sit that one out. That was really painful because I had finally found a small group where I didn’t just “belong,” I felt like I fit.

When I told Paul and Gerry (my ohana leaders) that God was telling me to step back from the group, I cried. They prayed for me and we all believed that God knew what he was doing. Fortunately, my ohana group had been using  The Line app for group texts since September. At least I could stay connected to them that way. I still didn’t have any friends at school and I felt lonely and isolated. Having that link to my ohana group kept me going even if I couldn’t physically be with them.

Then COVID19 happened.

Church went online. Everybody else’s “new normal” looked a lot like my old one. I was actually ok with church going online. It allowed me to engage with not just Kaimuki Christian Church (KCC) which I love, but several others giving me an overview of how The Church was fairing. This showed me how to intercede for the Church during the early days of COVID.

By then, my ohana group had finished the couples study. I was excited that I could rejoin them via Zoom!

Unfortunately, I felt the familiar stirrings of panic and anxiety. Zoom was a trigger! I couldn’t handle having all those people staring at me through my laptop screen. I found it terribly distracting and couldn’t focus on what people were saying. All my insecurities and identity issues started oozing out all over the place. I persevered for a few sessions hoping the feelings would subside, because I really needed to reconnect with them.

Prayer, however, didn’t make my anxiety go away… but God doesn’t waste anything! (Romans 8:26-28)

God used my anxiety as an opportunity to connect me with the Wellspring Covenant Church (WCC) ohana where my friends Dan and Rebecca Stringer pastor. WCC live-streams on Sunday the same time Paul and Gerry have their Zoom Ohana group!

During the middle of a pandemic when everybody has to isolate, God was giving me two churches to call home. God gave me two churches where I belonged.

So… what did God do after I hit “send?”

He started moving through the prayers of his people.

People started responding with answers to my prayers immediately. I wanted to email The 51 an update, but God kept saying, “Wait.” Why? Because the final answer to prayer didn’t come until this past Thursday (see Part III).

Each of those answered prayers has a really cool, but really long story. And like the Apostle John, I’ve found that there’s not enough time or space to tell everything that I saw Jesus do (John 21:25).  These highlights show the importance of including the body of Christ when we pray. I believe that it is through the body of Christ that God works most of his miracles.

Monthly Shopping, God’s Answer:

Food and body image have always been issues for me. I have Food sensitivities that cause inflammation, rashes, and bowel issues. My compulsive/binge/emotional eating only make my health worse. Additionally, shopping for food often triggers anxiety/panic attacks. After my surgeries I had mobility issues. I had to use a motorized scooter and an aid to do my shopping, so I generally avoided it.

When I went on the lithium in ’97, my weight ballooned from 138lbs to 215lbs. This caused physical and emotional problems. After my hysterectomy my weight hovered around 185lbs until I weaned off the lithium. I had to become a better steward of the body God gave me. That meant changing my relationship with food. Through cleaner eating, I lost close to 50lbs and my mobility improved exponentially!

When I came to UH, I  planned to pursue a healthier lifestyle, but misadventures in my housing situation made that impossible. The  dorm-size refrigerator in my room wasn’t big enough to store food for healthy meals. Initially, I struggled with food insecurity. I was afraid to spend money on food. The campus meal plan that I eventually bought wreaked havoc with my health. It might be fine for 20-somethings, but my 51-year old body was telling me quite loudly that campus food was literally too rich for my blood pressure and my digestive track. All my old unhealthy attitudes towards food began to resurface.

 

I share this because food and food insecurity are huge issues that can contribute to anxiety, fear, and depression. We’re seeing this happen large-scale with COVID19. But God meant food for our good. Being able to make wise choices about food and to eat food that is good for us shouldn’t be a privilege. It should be a right. My Micronesian students used to say, “Sharing is caring.”

I believe them now. During the initial days of COVID19, Christians brought me food because my money was tied up in that campus meal plan. I had no access to campus food services, so I had no food. God sent people who blessed me immeasurably!

 

But God never meant me to depend on the charity of others in the long-term.

Praise God! On July 1st I’d moved into a studio with a larger refrigerator. Some of The 51 contacted me offering to help me go shopping throughout the year. And one, dear soul, took me to Costco on July 24th, the Friday before Hurricane Douglas was supposed to hit! I was literally prepared for the storm!

I’m also really frugal and I’m a planner. The University refunded my meal plan money since I couldn’t access campus dining. I was able to use some of the refund to stock my fridge and freezer with food that I still have a month later.

 

Then my church sent me a gift card to Foodland!!! And this past week, WCC graciously gifted me with free eggs and a ridiculously large box of produce!!

 

The note on the eggs says, “GOD LOVES YOU EGGSACTLY THE WAY YOU ARE… and so do we!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why do I share all this? Because I could’ve stayed in my room, praying in isolation… but by letting people know my needs… God blessed me in ways that I could never have imagined. It connected me with people who care and I don’t feel isolated or alone. I also don’t feel anxious or worried about how God is going to provide for me this school year. It won’t be the same way all the time, but God will provide for me. He will guide me as I continue to seek out healthy community with the body of Christ!

Last week’s message at church?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

And the adventure continues…

Day 13: Intervarsity Christian Fellowship

Recently, I was asked to join the leadership team of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship for the graduate group. At first I declined because I really didn’t think I had much to offer. My life was still pretty mess last semester even if it wasn’t quite the train wreck that it was the first semester. I don’t see me as a leader. And with everything going on in the world and in the country right now, there have been days where I really just wanted to crawl back into the Bipolar Bubble. But God called me out of the bubble in this time for a reason.

When so many people are airing divisive thoughts all over cyberspace, I want to be a voice that continually and consistently points people to God. I continually and consistently want to encourage the church to stop finding so many temporal things to draw lines in the sand about and do the difficult work of being ministers of reconciliation in a broken world.

I accepted the position of leadership and was looking at the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship website and found a video that captivated me. I posted it earlier on FB and wanted to share it here.

From the Annals of Facebook:

Church!

We are called to worship the Lord in spirit and in truth. Worship should promote UNITY. This 2016 video from Intervarsity Christian Fellowship brought tears to my eyes.

In a season where the church is SO divided on SO many issues, it IS important to remember who we are, but it is MORE important to remember who we serve.

It is NOT about WHERE we worship. It is about WHO we worship.

My prayer for the church is that we would practice what Jesus preached:

“Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

~John 4:21-24

Day 28: GOD, covid19, and PERSPECTIVE

Today I got to talk to a dear friend
for nearly two hours!!!
The parent of a child that I taught
many many years ago
during a very dark time
in my career.
One of the worst.

Yes, teaching was hard for me.
It created conditions for the
perfect storm of fear, anxiety,
and depression… because
Type A person that I am…
striving to meet the expectations
of every parent and every child
every single day…
gnawed away at my
confidence, my identity…
my mental and physical health…

but it wasn’t
all bad.

If it was…
I couldn’t have lasted
as long as I did.

Twenty years?
That’s what I call,
“Persevering.”

A lot of bad stuff happened
during those twenty years…
…BUT God was so faithful
to me all those years.

Despite all the uncertainty,
my fears of failing the kids
and damaging them for life…
the helicopter parents who
could turn into tigers and roaring lions
right in front of my eyes
if they somehow thought that I wasn’t
doing “right” by their child…

Despite the low pay, long hours,
administrators who just didn’t get it…
and the mountains of paperwork
that never seemed to end…

Teaching had its moments.
Quite a lot of them really.
I wish I could remember more
of those moments… instead of
all the bad ones.

I’m learning now that perspective
is everything. You will remember
that which you allowed to
consume your focus.
I tended to focus on the bad…

BUT…God was always gracious to give me
certain kids, certain parents,
certain colleagues and certain bosses
who made it all worth it.

It is so easy to look at circumstances
and focus on what is wrong…
on what you don’t have…
on what other people are doing to you.

Focusing obsessively
on what you don’t have,
don’t like,
can’t get,
or can’t do…

Will maximize your problems
and minimize God
instead of the other way around.

IF I could go back in time
to talk to younger Teacher Me…
I would tell her not focus so
much on the lions and the tigers and the bears…
and focus instead on those certain kids
parents, colleagues,
and bosses who taught me
how to smile and laugh and give thanks
in the middle of my storms.

As I sit in my dorm-style room
overlooking a parking lot…
in a rather rundown section of the neighborhood–
As I walk around the block each morning,
past dingy buildings with more weeds than grass…
I pray for the homeless people
in front of the convenience store or camped out
on side streets or laying near shopping carts
tucked away in hidden corners.
The have so little.
I have so much.

I don’t spend a lot of time focusing
on what I can’t do, don’t have, or don’t like.
I am privileged. I’m in graduate school.
I have a home. I have food.
I have my health.
People are actually bringing me food.
I’ve got a great church, great friends,
and all my teeth.
And unbeknownst to me…
the stimulus check was deposited
into my checking account this week.

God is blessing me daily in large and small ways.

The call from my dear friend?
It was a divine reminder that what I remember
about this season will largely depend
on what I choose to focus on.

Despite all the blessings that I am experiencing…
I have some problems that are very real
and very relevant to me…
But in a year from now
When I look back
at this time…
Older me,
wants
to
remember…

That yes…
bad things
happened
in this
season…

BUT GOD…

Today is Day 28… and my faith and my hope are in Jesus, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Nobody can take that from me.

Day 50: Opportunities for GREAT JOY!

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy…”

Two “opportunities for great joy” landed unexpectedly on my doorstep today!

1) My sister who had the stroke two years ago called me. She’s a shut-in and is lonely. I haven’t been calling because I hate talking on the phone on a good day. Yesterday I left her a voicemail telling her that I hate talking on the phone without a purpose. It’s awkward… so I avoid it. I took a chance and asked if she wanted to read the book of Matthew with me. Of course, I would ask that in a voicemail message and not in person… but SO what. I asked her!!!

Well… TODAY she called me! She’d dug out her old bible from wherever it’s been living all these years and she was REALLY excited to start reading Matthew 1 with me!!! We are going to talk every day on the phone to go over a chapter until we are done!!!! I have prayed for an opportunity like this for YEARS but was always too timid to ask!!!

2) God prompted me to shelve my pride and contact former students to share my GoFundMe video. It was humbling sharing that video with kids who had no clue about my mental health challenges. Kids that I hadn’t seen in nearly 2 decades. I didn’t really expect to hear back from any of them– it’s been almost 20 years. All I was asking was that they: Watch. Pray. Care… and Share!!!

WELL…one of my students from 2003 messaged me back. He said he would definitely pray. I was happy to even get that… I was FLOORED, however, when I got a notification from GFM that this young man who I haven’t seen since he was NINE back in 2003 had donated $100 to my cause!!!

Today is Day 50 and though I am surrounded by many trials… little by little… my miracle is happening!!

Day 56: The Resistance to Stress

This morning my swim instructor called me a champion.
It has taken me over a year to conquer my extreme terror in the water,
and I’m still nowhere near where I want to be…
but I impressed her this morning and she let me know it.
She said that watching me overcome my fear
in the short time that she’s known me
is what makes her job worthwhile.

Since I can see how far I’ve come,
her praise mattered to me.

I’m falling asleep at the keyboard,
so while there was so much that I wanted
to write about…
It’s going to have to wait until tomorrow.

She said something that one of my students used to say and I’ll end on that:

FEAR is either “Face Everything And Run” or “Face Everything And Recover.”

My student would say “Rise,” but my swim coach is in AA, so her focus in on recovery. Mine is too. I’m recovering from an addiction to  Fear.

There are 56 days left before I am supposed to start at the University of Hawaii on Oahu. God said to step out of the boat and I did. And now I’m looking at a bunch of scary waves because I don’t have money or housing. I am stressed out and afraid. People keep talking to me about a “climate of miracles.” I just want people to stop talking about miracles and actually step up to be a part of making my miracle happen. Even small donations will have a big impact. I’ve raise $245 so far and there have been 88 Facebook shares and I will not despise the day its small beginnings… but I can’t live off of $245. People want to know why I’m anxious. THIS is why I’m anxious.

Yet each day, God is slowly revealing pieces of the larger puzzle to me that help move me closer to the endgame… and while fear would tell me that this season cannot possibly end well…

My time in the pool this morning was all about recovering, not running.

I coined a new quote off an old favorite:

Faith is RESISTANCE to stress; the MASTERY of stress; not the ABSENCE of stress!!

Today is Day 56 and I am stressed. Yet, I’m facing my fears every day by staring at the Son. I am a champion and I will continue to face my fears every single day because running is not an option. I am a woman of great faith… not in what I expect God to do for me, but faith in who HE is.

Spiritual Attack… or Answered Prayer Part II

Yesterday I got hit by what would’ve been a huge emotional wave for me two weeks ago. Fortunately, last weekend I went to a woman’s conference called the IF: Gathering. It’s built around the premise of: IF what we believe about Jesus is REALLY REAL…
THEN…

I like IF/THEN statements.

They are logical to me. They make sense to me.

IF Jesus is REALLY God…
IF Jesus REALLY did die on the cross for the forgiveness of sins…
IF JESUS is all that the bible says that he is…

THEN that has to shape the way that I live my life.
THEN that should shape the way all Christians live their lives.
THEN that should impact the world for God.

I went to last year’s conference and it inspired me. THEN I got hit by a wave of trials unlike I had ever experienced. The hits just kept on coming the ENTIRE year. It was really bad. I prayed a lot of prayers for deliverance that seemed to go unanswered. It made me confront the BIG IF in the middle of my spiritual house:

IF what I believe about Jesus is true… THEN how do I handle the waves that come into my life that never let up?? Is Jesus still LORD of my life EVEN IF the healing never comes? EVEN IF the answer to my prayers is, a resounding, “NO.” EVEN IF all my plans fall through, my heart gets broken, friends betray me??? EVEN IF I have to surrender my pride and my reputation???

I’ve seen people walk away from Jesus because everything didn’t go their way. They were “on fire” for Jesus until the fires in their lives got turned up. They didn’t want to obey the commands of Jesus as much as they wanted to experience the emotional hype of worshipping him. I always used to be afraid that I’d be one of those believers who gives in to “end times apostasy” which is a fancy term for saying that in the end times people are going to punk out. People who used to say that they loved Jesus with all their heart will find out that their love would grow cold in the face of trials, tribulation, and persecution because they had created a “comfortable gospel” where Jesus was cool with them doing whatever seemed right in their own eyes.

This is not the God we serve IF we do, indeed, serve the God of the bible. How do we know if we serve him? Seek him out in the bible. See if you believe what it written about God’s character and nature… and not just the warm fuzzy bits that help you get your Kumbaya’yas on. God of the bible is the same today, yesterday, and today… which causes some people to stumble. I have to admit that parts of God’s character and nature are awe inspiring in a good way… and other aspects of the Living God are scary… but that’s for another day/another blog post.

I heard this teacher, Ann Voskamp, speak at the 2019 IF: Gathering. She spoke passionately about “Wave Walkers,” women who were not afraid to confront the waves in their lives by surrendering their boat and “falling forward” into the love of God. Falling forward into intimacy that can only come by falling into his Word.

Because of the truth of this teaching… yesterday wasn’t a wave. It was a ripple. It hurt, but I was not devastated by it. I have chosen to surrender my boat and be obedient to the commands of Jesus as they apply to the season of life that he has me in right now.

I have said and done things that offended people who were doing things that would offend God. I believed that I was being obedient to speak the truth in love. Many people say that they want the truth, but I found out the hard way that not everybody can handle the truth. I pray very carefully before I speak because I know that words, once spoke or written, can never be taken back. I do not regret anything that I have said. “My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t make me innocent.” I know me. I always need to check my motives and make myself accountable to God and the body of Christ. I’ve invited people I trust to speak into this season and correct me if need be. I have apologized where I needed to, but I am not backing down.

Because of yesterday, I am pausing to be still today and seek God. I’m exhausted. I need to write, sleep, fast, and pray today. Because I am a literary processor who believes in stewarding her prayers by journaling, I looked back at a journal from last May:

LORD! Show me how to carry this burden like a true First Responder — in courage and wisdom; with power, a sound mind, and self-discipline. Give me the kind of vision that exceeds my rational self-protective instincts and catapults me into my destiny.” 

And if THAT wasn’t enough… just below that I prayed Hebrews 11:33-4 over myself:

LORD! Help me overthrow kingdoms, rule with justice, and get what you promised.  Help me shut the mouths of lions, quenched the flames of fire, and escape death by the edge of the sword. Turn my weaknesses into strengths. Help me to be strong in battle and cause whole armies to flee. May I receive my loved one back from death.

Is it any WONDER my life unfolds the way that it does??? That sounded all noble and courageous, but what I was actually doing was praying for trials!!! I actually remember as a zealous new believer asking God to give the kind of faith like Paul and Silas had so that I could still praise him from behind prison walls!! PRAISE GOD my prision was mental illness and not some actual prison in some third world mission field!!!

As a result of these prayers and the trials that followed, I now see trials, tests, and conflicts as opportunities for exponential growth… IF we would but surrender to God and seek HIS perspective and HIS will rather than lean on our own understandings. Out of context, my life looks like one long string of spiritual attacks. But what I see is God at work. IF you actually know me or you’ve been following The Adventures for some time… ask the question with me for my life and your own:

When times get tough… might God be answering some of your prayers to transform your life and refine your heart??

Two names of God that help me persevere is The Divine Gardner (who prunes me so I can bear more fruit) and The Refiner (who knows how to purify my heart without me being mortally burned in whatever fiery furnace he leads me to). This has helped me persevere in the face of trials, now it’s helping me endure because the this season is coming to an end soon. If I had punked out, I would’ve missed seeing God do amazing transformation in my life.

Christians! Do not despise the day of the small, medium, and large trials. Do not despise trials. The most growth happens through times of trial and struggle. Steward your prayers by writing the really big ones down, then periodically go back over them to see what God did in response. We often talk about what other people did to us; what life is doing to us; what the enemy is doing to us. Why give them so much power over us?? “God is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me???”

Your current trial or challenge??? Spiritual Attack or Answered prayer??? I’m inclined to think it’s both.

The over arching question that keeps us walking on top of the waves rather than drowning under them, however, has to be: What is GOD doing in the midst of all these things???

I use the “royal WE…” but I mean I. I need to magnify God rather than my trials. I need to seek God in the midst of my challenges with expectant hope rather than a glum fatalism.

Ok… I do mean the “royal WE.” Scripture says that WE are children of the Living King. That makes each and every believer a member of the royal family. When trials come WE cannot continue to be overcome by them. WE might fall seven times, but WE need to get back up knowing that WE are “seated with God in heavenly places.”

We might not see it. We might not feel it. Everything in our lives and in our hearts may be screaming the exact opposite, but IF what the bible says about Jesus is true, THEN it is ALSO true about us:  We are more than conquerors.

IF we believe Jesus to be true…
THEN… WE need to sit up and act like it.

 

Day 15: Present to Heal Part I

Today is Day 15 and I have no words to describe what Jesus did in my life today…

Day 11: Not Alone

When I left work today I was in tears.

And THAT was where the adventure began….

Because of confidentiality, I cannot share any details at this point. I’m exhausted anyway… but somewhere between the time I left work and now, God met me in the most loving and affirming way. Since I can’t talk about that either… let’s look at what God’s been saying to me through his word:

I’m reading through the book of Acts — one chapter a night. In December, I read Luke, one chapter a night up until Christmas Eve. This is my new Christmas and New Year’s traditions! God is speaking volumes to me through reading those books back-to-back. One thing that has resonated with me in the phrase, “…but God…”

Luke is recording testimony of all the bad things that people did… but immediately after the comma, he writes, “…but God…”

As in, the people did x,y, z, but God…
…showed up as only God can.

Those two little words spoke volumes to me. People did the unimaginable back then — they crucified the Son of God by hanging him on a tree… but God…

Evidently, this is a common theme in scripture because when I tried to google the verses in Acts so I could quote it, the result of the search was a bunch of videos and websites devoted to all the times that scripture says, “…but God…”

And here I was, thinking I was on to something revolutionary! See. I’m not as unique as I would like to think I am. Other people (a lot of them) came to the same realization WAY sooner than I did.

It confirms my point about not wanting to magnify the work of Satan by obsessing about what he and his demons are doing. Or why I no longer feel the need to record every single detail about the crappy things people do to me. Yes, those things happened… but what was God doing???

Yes, those things are part of my testimony… and I cannot tell my story without sharing the necessary details. Jesus has and is delivering me from a lot of abusive and dysfunctional relationships and situations. I can’t redact my life story.  I do believe that there is a place and time for sharing the details of our stories, mostly so that Satan no longer has chains to yank… mine or anybody else’s.

But by rehashing some details over and over and over again… or going WAY too TMI when a little really would go a long way, I can create unnecessary wounds on the body of Christ. When I first started blogging I had no filters. Everything that I was feeling wound up dissected on my blog and I hurt Jesus. The people that I blogged about never had ANY clue what I was writing about them… but years later, I had to go back and delete things that I thought… but wished I’d never written. There IS a story to be told about God’s redemptive grace today. I just don’t have the ability to process it.

When I have had time to reflect on the events of the day, God will reveal to me what I actually need to record and what will be best left between me and Jesus.

Today was about taking off masks.  When I left work I didn’t realize that THAT’S what God had me do today. He asked me to stop being afraid… and to stop hiding behind timidity and speak the truth in love. I see that now… but alls I knew when I left, was that I was in a lot of pain and I couldn’t see any way out it…. until Jesus started showing me in very real and present ways that I was NOT alone. He knew EXACTLY where I was and what I needed.

My night ended with me taking off another mask. I don’t know exactly what I am supposed to do with that mask, but I will by the end of the weekend. I’m walking the path of the Peacemaker. Carrying the white flag is not without its challenges. God, however, is with me… and if GOD is with me, who can be against me???

Today is Day 11 and while it may LOOK like I am surrounded… I am diving deep into the depths of God and I am NOT alone. Please pray that I might speak boldly and be used as an ambassador of reconciliation.

Bipolar and Fasting: Day 6

The Issue: Pruning, Refining, and Discipline

I had a lunch meeting at work today which interfered with my fasting… since I was the who organized and ran said meeting… it’s my own fault that I was surrounded by coworkers who were chowing down on lasagna, garlic bread, and sauteed mushrooms right in front of me. I didn’t touch anything while I made my presentation… but afterwards….  Not to Self: Next time, plan a meeting for a NON-fasting day.

But rather than down on myself, I accepted that as far as fasting went, I did better THIS time on my SECOND attempt than I had on my first. I followed the 24 Hour Fasting protocol the entire week without incident. I think I mentioned that my FIRST attempt at fasting was a dismal failure. When I got around the bone broth barrier, this week it wasn’t just doable, it was easy. And technically, I could have turned down the lunch they ordered for me. I did tell them a few days ago that I didn’t want a lunch, but they sent one anyway. God providing manna, maybe?

I’m not making excuses. I ate it and it was GOOOD!! I thanked God for it and moved on. When I was going off the lithium using THE PLAN, God showed me early on that the Five Point Plan was a living document designed to help me. It wasn’t about strict adherence to “the law.” It was about submitting those five areas of my life to God’s lordship. And that lordship includes grace for us when things don’t go according to the plan.

If the whole point of my fast is to draw me closer to God… then the meeting was evidence that it’s working. The entire meeting was based off an idea that came to me while I was praying. Everybody LOVED it and it’s going to really change things at work to help the students and unify our team. I am in a season of fruit bearing right now and I’m amazed. I am seeing all kinds of fruit following the season of pruning and refining that I went through most of last year. God was showing me that he was pruning unhealthy things out of my life, but he was also pruning back good things, so that I might bear more fruit for him.

I don’t know if you’ve thought about pruning much… but anything that involves sharp shears is BOUND to be painful. That’s why I do not rush to attribute every bad thing that happens to me to Satan. Some of it might be God’s chosen instrument of pruning or refining. When people ask for the the Lord to change their life, they are inviting him to refine them. Refining generally involves FIRE. Need I say more?

So after a year of much pruning and refining, God sent me through a short season of discipline in Atlanta, not because there was some gross sin in my life, but because there were some strongholds that needed to be broken. God also needed to “train me up in the way that I should go.” You know that saying about no matter how old you get, you’ll always be your parents’ child? I will ALWAYS be God’s child and thus subject to discipline. Discipline is NOT synonymous with corporal punishment or wrong doing. Think Navy Seals or elite athletes –– their training is discipline and they thrive on it.

I knew hadn’t done anything wrong… that I was smack dab in the center of God’s will for me, but Atlanta was discipline and God made sure that I understood this because:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  Hebrews 12:11

Knowing that it was discipline didn’t make it any easier to go through it… but seeing the bumper crop of fruit that is busting out all over the place in just about every area of my life right now… more than makes up for how I felt in Atlanta.

I want something from God. I am hungering and thirsting for it.

This fast is about acquiring that treasured gift.

In the last year, my relationship with the Lord changed. My life changed. People who know me are amazed, yet I know that there is more to relationship with God than I am currently experiencing. Don’t get me wrong… I LOVE where I am in my walk with Jesus. After all those years feeling depressed and lost, I finally feel like I’ve walked into the light… but there is more. I know it.

I don’t want my relationship with God to be about what he can do for me. If the last 20 years of my life have proven anything, faith in God is not to be based on answered prayer alone. If it was... what happens to your faith when God says, “No”  worse… he says, “Wait…” indefinitely? I LOVE all this answered prayer…. but I don’t need it to have faith in Jesus.

There’s a place in the faith where you can be so sold out for Jesus that nothing else matters. Paul found that place. John found that place. Epaphroditus and Stephen found that place. Peter, after a spectacular fall, found that place. I want to find that place where my circumstances cease to impact how I relate to God and man. I want to live by the “Greatest Commandment.” I’m not saying I’m going to get to some sinless state where I don’t ever get pissed off at people or impatient. When I read scripture, about the people who found that place… it dominated their worldview. Jesus dominated their worldview.

Maybe it’s that whole “eternity in their hearts thing”… but I feel like there is something more that God intends for me to have now… this side of eternity and fasting has only made me hunger and thirst for it that much more.

Day 59: Deja VIEW – Faith is NOT Blind

This “90 Day Heart Health Challenge” has been NOTHING like I expected it to be.

God has been doing some totally off the hook CRAZY cool stuff. So why is it that I’ve written next to nothing about it in the last few days?? Because I’ve been too busy out living and loving and connecting with people in real time to blog. Oh, I’ve been doing a ton writing, just not here on the blog. That whole “communicate with people who ‘dwarf everything else in my life'” thing has taken on a life of it’s own. I have a lot more “must haves” in my boat than I realized.

But I want some kind of record of this 90 day journey and I hate that I’ve been skimping on the details. I’ve been learning about the person of the Holy Spirit and his role in our lives. Among other things, the Holy Spirit is supposed to remind of of things that Jesus has taught us. Given the fact that my memory sucks and I need to write stuff down if I want to have any kind of memory of it,  thenI need to write something here if I want to be able to look back and see how far God has brought me….

SO… I’ve decided that on days when I’m just too beat to post because I’ve been out doing all that living, I’m going to repost thoughts that I want to revisit, so I’m doing the “deja VIEW” thing. I’ve already lived this stuff… but did I learn it?? I want to revisit some posts to see if I’ve learned anything from the original lesson.

Recently, I met a Truth Seeker. Her life is pretty much in the toilet right now and she’s mad at God. She hasn’t reached that realization yet, but the more I talk to her, the more evident it becomes to me. She’s still seeking to know this Jesus whom she’s just started following and she’s not sure she likes or agrees with all that she is hearing and she is wrestling with Him. Good. I’m glad she’s not content to settle on easy believism that is fueled by warm fuzzies and Christian sound bites that promise things that Jesus NEVER said or things that God would never do because they contradict his revealed character and nature. If there really does come a time when there is a “famine of the Word of God” or that “even the elect could be deceived,” I’d rather she wrestle now than get disqualified just before the last round. When I found this post I thought of her…

 

Faith Is NOT Blind

Faith is not blind. Faith is having your eyes wide open to who God is and how he works. It’s about seeing him for who he is and loving him, not because you are blind… but because you can see. Clearly. When I first became a believer I was blind. I was ignorant to who God really was, so when he acted outside the grid of my understanding I got mad. I got hurt. I felt like he abandoned me and I was afraid to question him so I stuffed my questions really far down and tried to act as if I was ok. When deep down, I knew… and so did God, that I wasn’t.

Today I had questions. I didn’t think I had questions when I woke up this morning. But these questions have been simmering in “the crockpot” for some time now. Left too long, unanswered questions can give way to bitterness or anger or resentment or self-pity… or a gnarly seething cauldron of negativity.

Most of my questions were “Why” questions. Y’know.. “Why had God allowed z,y,x” to happen to me?” Why hadn’t that dream or this dream come true? Why had he allowed that person to hurt me? Why had he allowed me to make such poor choices that lead to really bad consequences?

Once the questions starting pouring out, it seemed like they wouldn’t stop. And as I questioned, I realized that I was angry. Now there are some folks (g00d Christian folks) who insist that it’s wrong to ask God, “Why?” and an even bigger sin to admit that you are mad at him… but since we serve an omniscient God, it stands to reason that he knows what I feel even before I do. Case in point, I didn’t know I still harbored those questions, so I didn’t know I was still harboring anger towards God… but he knew. He walked me through my most recent trial and then led me to this realization.

My faith is stronger now than it’s ever been. What reason could I possibly have to be mad at God? He just got me through a really horrible situation with my landlord and I didn’t morph into Bipolar Girl. He didn’t deliver me from the trial. He walked me through it with eyes wide open. I didn’t like a lot of what I had to go through, but I knew it was God and I knew it was necessary.

Which brought me to today (Saturday). I’m braiding my hair which will take 2-3 days. I generally watch movies while I’m working to make the time pass. The movie I picked? Not a great one. Kind sappy. Heavy on the extra cheese.

The lead character had had some trials and found herself  in a church looking up at a statue of Jesus  and yells, “What do you have against me??!” And the omniscient God who hears all of our prayers while they are still thoughts, heard her. He heard me, too. For the thoughts that I didn’t even know that I had took form and became prayers. God knew I had those questions and had waited for just the right time to prompt me to ask them. I wasn’t on my knees in prayer. I was braiding my hair on a hot Saturday watching a so-so movie.

A month ago and I would have seen those questions as doubts. I would have felt all manner of bad for doubting God. Today, I see that God is the only one to whom I could take my questions to  because he’s the only one who can answer them.

After I finished giving breath to my question I told God that I love him because I do. After all the bad things that have happened to me over the course of my life, I still love God. I love him more now than when I first met him because I know him. He knows this just as surely as he knows that I have questions. Yet, God, in his wisdom, may or may not give me all the answers that I seek. I’m ok with that. When Christ returns, I will know fully even as I am fully known. Pretending like I’ve got it all dialed in or that I’m some spiritual giant when I’m not profits me nothing. The questions I have stand in the way of me growing into the image of Christ able to love people when they do the unlovable… the unthinkable… and all the un’s in between.

…

Now it’s Sunday. Hours have passed since I started writing this post, but I know I’m on the right track because God answered me during the church service this morning. He didn’t answer every question I had, but he gave me enough of an answer that I was positive that he was listening and that he knew exactly why I had those questions. He was glad that I had brought my questions to him, trusting that he would answer. He needed me to lay some things down at his feet and not pick them back up again. He needed me to open my eyes and to see myself as HE sees me.

And then he needed me to rise and receive from him, not like a child with my eyes scrunched shut offering up wishes as if he were Santa Claus. He needed me to be more mature in my faith than I was yesterday or the day before yesterday or all the yesterdays past. I needed to see him and know him for who he is. If I don’t ask questions out of some misplaced belief that God cannot handle it when I do, then I am never going to mature. God has grace for my questions and mercy for my doubts. “Have mercy on those who doubt.” Jude 1:22. God said that before I ever dared to doubt.

When I left church, I walked out feeling a little lighter than when I went in. God, in his omniscience, answered more questions that I didn’t even know that I had. Not because he had to, but because he KNOWS me and knows what I need to know even before I do. Always before I do.

Now? It’s almost bedtime as I finish this post. I’m listening to my new neighbors sing really bad Filipino karaoke. My eyes might have been opened this weekend, but tonight it’s time to close up my ears with my earplugs and finish braiding my hair.