Not Another Manic Monday…

Today a coworker made me cry.
I wasn’t crying because I was sad
or depressed…. upon reflection
I actually cried twice today.

My friend and colleague
lost her son three weeks ago —
has it really been that long?
Time flies when the bottom drops
out of your world or the world
of somebody you’ve come to love.
When I spoke with her today
she cried and my heart broke for
her. I would give anything
anything at all to take this bitter cup
from her.

I used to bargain with God.
My life has been such a train wreck
that I have often wondered why God
allowed me to live. There is so much
pain and suffering in the world, and I
used to think I was a waste of space
and breath.

When Trucker Dukes was diagnosed with
neuroblastoma, I tried to bargain with God.
I knew the family from church. I used to
watch the Dukes kids dance around in front
of the worship team on Sunday mornings.
I couldn’t believe that God would allow such
a nightmare to visit such a wonderful family.
In all sincerity, I told God to take my life for his.
Trucker has so much life ahead of him and
I was only half living mine.

So when I watched my friend grieving her
son anew today, my heart, which I have always
thought was rather hard and stony,
broke just a little bit more.
And the idea of a bargain crossed my mind.
But instead, I prayed with my friend and then
had to trust her to God.
I don’t understand why her young son
died. I don’t like it. I hate seeing
her like this.
But I trust God.

I got a new student today.
It did not go well.
In trying to protect this kid,
I threw myself under the bus
and got reprimanded by my
supervisor for my efforts.
The kid turned out to be really
ungrateful and it pissed me off.
Next time I’m letting him get
hit by his own bus because
I’ve got enough buses of my own
to contend with.
I don’t understand why God is sending
me another nightmare student.
I definitely don’t like how today went down.
But I’m going to pray for this kid and then
let him go,
because I trust God.

THEN I ran afoul of a staff member
because I was trying to protect a student
from said staff member.
When I was younger I literally used to have a
heart for the underdog and would go to bat
against injustice… that is… until I got the crap knocked
out of me trying to defend the smallest girl in the sixth
from being bullied by the tallest boy. I told him to
pick on somebody his own size…

When he hit me square in the chest and I went down.
I was smart enough to fake an asthma attack,
because he would’ve beaten me silly otherwise. I had
to take a number of emotional beatings over the years
before I finally stopped trying to look out of the underdog.

I thought that streak died in me years ago. Especially
after all these years spent trying to protect my
mental health. The walls of the Bipolar Bubble
were thick and all encompassing. I was so busy
trying to protect myself that I had no time for
protecting anybody else. I wanted to hide
in the Bubble and lick my wounds.

But God uses wounded healers.
He hasn’t healed me so that I could sit
in the Bubble and sing Kumbaya by myself.
He fully intends for me to help other people.
Helping people, however, can get messy.
In order to help other people, you have to feel things.
You get your heart hurt. Sometimes you get
your feelings hurt. Other times, you just plain
get hurt.

I tried to stand up for a student today
and got emotionally hurt.
Not one to rush in to confrontations,
I could have stood by and said nothing,
but bad things happen when good people do
nothing…right?!
Ok. A really bad paraphrase, but I knew I
couldn’t stand back and do nothing.
So I did somethings…
and I ended up standing in the hallway crying.

Not because I was sad or depressed.
I wasn’t.
I was angry.
An unfortunate fact of my
reality is that I cry when I am mad.
My mother assured me that I was stupid
for crying, so I’ve struggled my entire life
trying to stop seeing my tears as sign of weakness.

This staff member made me feel weak and helpless.
I was also angry. And therein lies the “teachable moment”
where I can learn something if I don’t get proud.
God doesn’t tell us not to be angry. He warns against sinning
in our anger. In my anger I cried. And then I went to talk
to my boss, because if I sit back and do nothing, then I am part
of the problem.

I have been praying a lot since the hallway.
I don’t understand why it had to go down that way.
I don’t like that it went down that way. But I’ve
prayed and I trust God….
I’m not going to try to bargain with him.
In this messy world of caring for hurting people
there will be times when my heart will get hurt.
There will be times when I will get emotionally hurt.
And there will be times when some bully is going to
sucker punch me, but instead of going down, I am
going to stand firm in the Lord and use my words.

Today has been a long and stressful day. It could have been
a “manic Monday,” and I could be really upset right now…
but I’m not. If I had to choose today with all its messiness
over a sterile, solitary life in the Bubble, it’s pretty clear
which one I would choose. I have no idea what tomorrow
will hold, especially after I file my formal complaint.
I can imagine that this staff member is going to hate me,
but I have to look out for the students.

I know I need to speak the truth in love, but there’s going
to be consequences. I could be all knotted up inside, worrying
about tomorrow… but I’m totally fine right now. I’ve prayed
and I trust myself and this awful situation to God.
I’d appreciate your prayers. Pray that my sleep would be sweet.

Today is February 6 and it’s NOT another “manic Monday.”