Wisdom for Wednesdays: What NOT to Say to a Suicidal Person

Tonight I had to counsel a student who they thought might be suicidal.

How’s that for “Wisdom for Wednesdays?” I thought I’d be posting warm fuzzy nuggets of truth that I’ve gleaned from some of my wiser friends. I didn’t know this first Wednesday would force me to dig deep into my own murky past and pull up some wisdom by the roots. When that woman spoke at church and said that “the broken had healed and become healers,” I knew that she was talking to me. There are so many points of brokenness in my life that I can speak quite knowledgeably into a wide variety of life traumas and dramas because I’ve been there. I may not know what to say or do… but I always know what not to say.

I guess that’s one reason I’m so harsh on well-meaning friends who speak out of complete ignorance. Scripture says that we should “comfort others out of the comfort we have received.” Most of the people I’ve known who were suicidal are dead now. They didn’t get much comfort… or the comfort they got was of the cold variety. But for some reason, I am still here. I hate that I’m “wise ” in this area, but the fact that I’m still breathing has to count for something. Personally, I think that unless somebody is a trained first responder, when it comes to dealing with a suicidal person, I think less is more. People should speak less and listen more, because saying the wrong thing could cause things to go south quickly. I once had a friend tell me that if I committed suicide I would die and go to hell. She said that I was being selfish and had no right to kill myself. I do not recommend you take this approach.

Fortunately, the situation ended well. She was trying to run from the building and I stepped in and got her to talk to me. I told her all the things I wished people had told me over the years. I got her to calm down. And rather than continue to talk at her, I got her to answer very pointed questions as I tried to assess her mental state. After talking with her at length, my fear for her subsided. I didn’t think she was actually suicidal. Us writer types tend to pour out all our darkness onto paper to get it out of our heads. She hadn’t meant the paper to be seen by anybody.

Was it a cry for help or attention? I don’t know. I stayed until the transition was made to get a professional on site to talk with her and when it was all over and done with, the professional agreed with my conclusion. Crisis averted.

I cringe when I think about how wrong this could have gone. I praise God that he was able to use me. Right now? I’m exhausted.. I’m also hating the fact that I am able to speak knowledgeably into this kind of situation. I hate that depression and suicidal ideation are a part of my wheelhouse. But the fact that it IS, helped me comfort this girl. Later, when she was calmer I asked if I could pray for her and she agreed. Then I had to let her go and trust her to God.

I had a close friend kill himself years ago. I was holding on too tightly and felt a tremendous sense of blame for something over which I had absolutely no control. Second guessing what I could’ve done differently accomplishes nothing. I know that I said and did all the “right things.” His demons were just to strong for him to fight. This girl is a scrapper. She’s going to be fine. So what’s my nugget of wisdom tonight??

What NOT to Say or Do to Comfort a Person Who Might Be Suicidal:

1. Do NOT make them feel bad for expressing their feelings.
2. Do NOT pressure them to talk if they don’t want to talk.
3. Do NOT act as if you care more than you actually do.
4. Do NOT put blame on them or yell at them or tell them not to cry or what to feel.
5. Do NOT act like you have all the answers or understand their situation (unless you actually do).
6. Do NOT bash them over the head with scripture/Do not become all Holy-Roller-Bible-Thumper.
7. Do NOT talk when you should be listening.
8. Do NOT speak first and think later.
9. Do NOT ask them to do things they cannot.
10. Do NOT say stupid stuff — that’s going to make things worse for them.

That’s a pretty long list of what NOT to do or say. What about the actual comforting stuff…? I’ve got a bit of wisdom to share about that too. I’m mentally exhausted and falling asleep at the keyboard (and it’s only 8:17)… so I will keep this brief. What do I think you SHOULD say or do to somebody who might be suicidal?

1. Listen to them.
2. Pray before you speak.
3. Love them.
4. Understand that unless you’ve been there… you can’t understand.
5. Know that while you might want to “fix” their situation, you can’t.
6. Leave the heavy lifting to God.
7. Accept that God can work through mental health professionals and medications.
8. Pray some more.
9. Listen some more.
10. Keep praying.

I will take prayer over well-meaning advice any day, so as I talked to my student I didn’t try to “fix” her situation. I didn’t even think I could. She’s safe now and that’s what counts. Ok. I’m falling asleep on the keyboard. I’m going to log off and go to bed now. Today is February 15th and while I hate that coping with suicidal situations is in my wheel house…it’s part of my story and I was able to draw on the comfort that I’ve received from God to comfort this young girl. I may hate that my adventures includes a bunch of train wrecks, but I believe, without doubt, that God uses everything, even train wrecks, for the good of those who love his and are called according to his purposes. Please pray for her and her family. Pray for me too.

Goodnight and God bless.

Single Post Navigation

← Older Entry

Newer Entry →